Life Through Music: "In God's Hands" by Nelly Furtado

I have rewritten this entry both in my head and on paper several times already and erased them. I have had a hard time focusing my thoughts so that my message is clear. So here it goes...

At the beginning of this year I really took steps to let go of someone that was a real negative force in my life. I truly felt then that I was a hundred percent finished with that person. Through situations I’m not going to bring up here I had to go revisit somethings with that situation. This came very apparent when I heard the first song that I’m going to be talking about in this entry. It is the song “Holy Grail” by Jay-Z featuring Justing Timberlake. The part that I’m talking about in the song that really spoke to me is the part that Justin sings. 

[Verse 1: Justin Timberlake]

You take the clothes off my back

And I let you

You'd steal the food right out my mouth

And I watch you eat it

I still don't know why

Why I love you so much

Oh

You curse my name

In spite to put me to shame

Have my laundry in the streets

Dirty or clean

Give it up for fame

But I still don't know why

Why I love it so much

Yeah

[Hook]

And baby

It's amazing I'm in this maze with you

I just can't crack your code

One day you screaming you love me loud

The next day you're so cold

One day you're here, one day you're there, one day you care

You're so unfair sipping from your cup

Till it runneth over, Holy Grail

These lyrics spoke right to my feeling of what it was like to love someone that gives nothing back. You want to know what it’s like to love or be with an alcoholic? They can be so selfish and loveless. Now I don’t want to paint the picture that I don’t have my moments of being selfish myself because I have plenty of selfishness. This selfishness is so very different. So, as I looked back at the situation with the new person I am now and since I had really removed myself from that situation at the beginning of the year. What I saw was what it always was and what it would ALWAYS be. The first part of those lyrics represents how I use to be with her and the second part is me understanding what it always was. Take take take from me till your cup is runneth over and then toss me aside. Well, *smiles* not anymore. Oh no you won’t. I’m not that person anymore. 

Now that I have explained that part of the situation we can move on to the part that to me is such a beautiful part of life. That feeling of such emotion that moves you beyond anything else. The first song hit me around the first part of July, but the song that I’m about to talk about hit me two weeks ago on my day off. 

Let’s go back to Monday two weeks ago. Mondays are usually my errands day and so I spend most of the day getting around town for my many appointments. During that time I’m usually listening to music on my phone with the play selection on shuffle. I like to see what music comes to me. Well, it wasn’t till I got home that my phone really hit me with something special. I had gone to lay down on my bed and rest from all my traveling that day. That’s when it happened. It was a song that I have heard many times before. Especially since I got the album few summers ago. The song that I’m talking about is the song “In God’s Hands” by Nelly Furtado. I wasn’t really thinking about Laura at any point during that day and yet as soon as this song came on it pulled me right back into all of it, but this was different from any thoughts I have had about her before. I had mentioned that I spent a lot of time really trying to let go of her at the beginning of the year and thought that I really had. I’m finding with myself that there is much I hold on to that I don’t even realize till situations like this one. The song played and it walked me right through the emotions I still hadn’t felt or dealt with yet. With Nelly’s soft voice I seemed to hear the message more clearly than I had before. Lets go to the lyrics to really understand some of the connections I made when hearing this song. 

"In God's Hands"

I looked at your face I saw that all the love had died

I saw that we had forgotten to take the time

(I think the words speak for themselves, but it’s so true that all the love had died between us. I didn’t forget to take the time, but she never once took the time to take care of our love.)

I, I saw that you couldn't care less about what you do

Couldn't care less about the lies

You couldn't find the time to cry

(In the beginning of talking with her it always seemed like she cared more than she really did, but each time we tried to reconnect it became apparent very quickly that she doesn’t. She always becomes selfish and cold. The last time I said bye to her she was so dry with me that you would have had to of thrown water on her face to see any emotion or tears. Truly she never cried for me. She cried because I always called her on her shit.)

We forgot about love

We forgot about faith

We forgot about trust

We forgot about us

( Very true. Except I would change the lyrics to “she” instead of “We”) 

Now our love's floating out the window

Our love's floating out the back door

Our love's floating up in the sky in heaven

Where it began back in God's hands

(This is the part of the song that hit me the hardest in the song and means the most to me. It was the final part of letting go for myself. I literally during this song gave her back to god. This is the release that I have needed with her for so long. The tears flowed so hard from my eyes and I truly with all my heart let her go. It was such a weird experience because there was so many emotions I felt at once, but the biggest one I felt was just letting go. I really needed that and I didn’t really know how much I did till that moment.)

You said that you had said all that you had to say

(We both finally ran out of things to say and so with that everything else went bad as well. Which might not make sense to most of you, but her and I have always had so much to say to each other.) 

You said baby it's the end of the day

And we gave a lot but it wasn't enough

We got so tired that we just gave up

(Correction. “I” gave a lot and “I” finally I realized what it was and then gave up.)

We didn't respect it

We went and neglected it

We didn't deserve it

But I never expected this

(Again I would say “she” never respected me. She neglected me. She didn’t deserve me. I never expected that when I asked for her number many years ago it would have become all this. I believe that we live many lives. I without a doubt have know her from a past life that is for sure. I was told by a woman that could see more than I can that I have tried to be with here before and last time I tried so hard I lost my life in my efforts. This time will not be the same.) 

Our love floated out the window

Our love floated out the back door

Our love floated up in the sky to heaven

It's part of a plan

It's back in God's hands

Back in God's hands

(I really can’t explain how much relief I got in this moment of listening to this song. In fact it affected me so much for the next couple of days this song was the only song I listen to. I really wanted to solidify this feeling and really make sure I was done.)

It didn't last

It's a thing of the past

(I finally feel that I can put it in the past. It took me a long time, but I have said before there was much karmic energy between us that I had to work through.) 

Oh we didn't understand

(Well, I know that I get it now. Finally.)

Just what we had

Oh I want it back

Just what we had

Oh I want it back

Oh just what we had

(These last parts of the song are in a way a test for me. As if to see one last time if there is any part left that wants it back still? I had to laugh at these lines. Have what back? What did she ever give me? Through all the years she really gave me nothing but negative energy. Even the brief so call “good moments” we had during all those years DO NOT make up for all the other bad stuff she put me through. )

What I was still holding onto even after my efforts at the beginning of the year to let go of her was the hopefulness in myself. I’m reminded of the Great Gatsby movie that I watched over this summer when Mr. Gatsby was talked about as being the most hopeful person he had ever met. I’m guilty of that at times myself. I always want to believe that people can be the greatest versions of themselves. This is not to say that when someone isn’t the greatest version of themselves they are a lost cause, but it’s in those moments we must be careful how we interact with them. We all are a work in progress, but it’s understanding when you can be a part of that process or not. 

This moment I had with this song is the reason I love music so much. The kind of emotion a song can evoke from the soul. This song was one of those great moments and gave me something I needed so bad. Now I have room in this big heart for something worth so much more. It warms my heart to think of what I could actually find out there for myself as a partner in life. This is also proof that as big and great as my heart is, it too has it’s limits. I wish that I had figured out this release many years ago, but everything happens exactly how it’s supposed to. When you break up with someone especially when you are this invested it’s a lot like dealing with someone’s death. When someone dies you never lose that person all at once. You instead lose them in pieces. Those pieces will come to you at different times. Each piece you will have to work through. I encourage you to feel and understand each piece. For they will help you so much along the path of healing. Take care of yourself. 

As always I bring this to you with much love and pure D-lite. = )