Life Through Music: “Everything I Wanted” by Billy Eilish  

Hello again. Well, I guess just hello to those that are first time readers. I know it’s been a long time since I wrote a new blog entry. It’s taken me a long time to find my way back to what I started so many years ago. So much has changed as to be expected. I mean just from the last random blog post that I put on here over a year ago so much has changed. I had plans at the time of the last post on this blog to try to start this blog up again, but my mind got the best of me which made me stall once more. One of the biggest changes in life has been the pandemic. The pandemic has changed so much in my life and so many others. Sometimes I don’t think that even I have fully grasped how much the effects of the pandemic has changed myself and the world around me. My best example of this of late was when I was going through the photos on my phone recently when I came across some pictures that showed me just how different life was before the pandemic. One picture in particular caught my eye. It was taken in what my good friend (who was also in this photo) now refers to any time before the pandemic started as “the before times.” In that picture, I can see how we use to be before the stress of the pandemic was added to all of our lives all across this world. I mean take a second and try to remember what it was like before the pandemic happened. Think of how different our lives are now and how they will forever be changed going forward. No really take some time to think about this because I think it is very important to help us move forward. We all need to think about this to help us truly recover from this mess. Especially on a mental health side of things.  

 So, first off, I suppose that I need to explain what my random post from last February is all about and what has led me back to this blog, but before I do that let's take a step back first and let me share a bit of what led to me sharing that wonderful song from Billy Eilish. I suppose I can’t truly explain it all in just this post, but I will try my hardest to at least set the stage. Then I will fill in the rest over time as I start writing blog entries again. I will get to the Billy Eilish song though before this entry is through, that I promise. 

The first question I should probably address is “Why did my writing stop in the first place?” Well, after my mother passed away many years ago many things changed. My life, like with this pandemic, turned everything upside down. I just couldn’t find my way. On top of that after graduating from college I was so tired of my own words from writing so many papers. I had lost my drive and my focus for many things. Whenever I tried to write (and believe me I have tried so many times to break through this) my words just wouldn’t come. If I did manage to write my words didn’t feel right. It has been so frustrating, to say the least. You think that with so much going on in my life that the blog entries would just flow right out of me nonstop. I mean some very emotional things happen since I last wrote on this blog. Going in and out of depression didn’t help either. The things that your depressed mind tells you can be so warped, but I pressed on.  

The next question is “Do I still have a strong connection to music like I so often wrote about for so many years?” The short answer is an emphatic “HELL YES!” Music will and always will be my first love. The one thing through in all life’s craziness that didn’t change was my use of music to navigate myself and the world around me. Through the years of my silence online I constantly continued to search for the music that helps me feel all my emotions and think more about my thoughts. That love for music always has led me to so many great songs that I can’t wait to share with you. So, as I have grown quite a bit, I have come back here because I have much to share with all that care to listen. If you go back through all the entries that I wrote I think that you will see a very apparent change in who I am now to what I write going forward. At least that is my hope. Of course, there was some hard and some extremely good things that I have been through over the recent years. I cannot forget all the things in between those two extremes because life is more complicated than just the big events that happen.  

Moving on I think that I should talk about why it’s changed now to be called “D-Lite Radio” instead of “Just Pure D-Lite?” Well, it’s an interesting thing this damn pandemic. Picture this, there I was in the early days of the pandemic with my introverted self at home even more than I normally am watching as the world turned upside down on its self. As the pandemic unfolded, I know that I wasn’t alone in feeling like I started to rethink my whole life. It’s like the Derrick from the “before times” died and then was reborn anew. This definitely didn’t happen in just one moment. Instead, it came from a lot of little moments throughout this year in the pandemic. I had to take a really hard look at my life. I had to decide what parts of myself from my past do I take forward with me and what do I want to change for when the pandemic ends? This renewing of my blog was a response to both of those questions. My return to it was kind of a combination of both my past self and my future self. Before that happened though I needed to create something new.  

Which leads me to the other part of this new found inspiration to create. I decided on an idea I had thought about years before, but because of my doubts I had never made it come to fruition. That idea was creating my own radio station sessions that would be similar to radio of old, but with my own spin on it. This day in age what I’m referring to is more similar to the format of a podcast. Problem is that when you do anything with copyrighted music on any platform that would get these podcast sessions out to the masses you get shut down. Understandably so to a certain degree because big companies only look at it as I’m trying to use their music without permission. However, my goal is to in a sense promote music not take credit for it. These recordings of my envisioned version of my own radio sessions would instead highlight music that is important to me so that others might connect to it as well. Eventually what came out of this pursuit was D-lite Radio. However, now that I had broken through my own hesitations toward making this radio podcast thingy, I just kept trying to find ways to get my radio sessions out to the world.  

So, then the focus became how can I make a new aged podcast feel a little bit like old radio and get it out to the masses? It’s no secret that I miss what radio used to be many years ago. I miss the kind of radio that I grew up listening to. I also miss the radio even farther back during my father's younger days. I miss having a radio DJ take their time on the radio to take you on a journey as they guide you through a few hours of a collection of songs. I know that during my father’s era of radio there was much more control by the Radio DJs as to what they played. Especially because there use to be a whole bunch of smaller radio stations that were locally owned. One of these radio stations in the Portland metro area my father worked at for a few years back in the ‘70s. Once Radio was standardized in the late ‘70s into the 80’s the radio industry became owned by a few larger companies' which changed everything about what radio was allowed to be from then on. It became very scripted and controlled. Even so, I miss the days of Disc jockeys saying stuff in between songs. Talking about why they liked a song or even share a fun story connected to a particular song. I just miss the overall radio DJ's banter with his listeners even though it was usually only a one-way communication. I even miss my Sunday night slow jams and dedications radio sessions that I use to listen to on Jamin 95.5FM back in the day. I miss times like when my sister called in to Z100 during one of our famous cabin parties so she could request the radio station to play “Barbie Girl” by Aqua which was super popular at the time. This is all very different from what is available to us today. Just the fact that we can pull up any song practically at any moment with all the music streaming services out there. Each streaming service at our fingertips at all times has changed how we listen to and find new music. Long gone are the days when you had to wait for the song you loved so much to be play on the radio live so that you could tape it on your old cassette tape. Remember the cassettes that you put tape over the top two holes at the top of the cassette so you could trick the player into record over whatever was on the tape before. Ah yes...those where the days. In my earlier days radio definitely wasn’t quite like that from the days when my dad was on the air, but it was still much different than how radio has been for a long time.  

So, I took chance and bought a very basic set of recording equipment. Then I used a computer program I already had that I knew enough about to start recording. I was not even planning to share with anyone at first. I just wanted to try it out and see what could work. I just wanted to have fun and listen to some good music that made me feel things. I wanted to basically make a music diary to capture my life in the moment as it was happening weekly. There was a lot of trial and error that occurred then and to be quite honest still happens when I record today. That is truly the beauty of it though. I like the authenticity of my mistakes during a recording session. I have learned a lot over the year that I have recorded sessions for D-Lite Radio. I have gotten down at the very least a decent foundation on which I build on each time I record a session.  

The one thing that has been the most consistent through the creation of this new project is all the music. I realized how much I needed the music again. To really sit with the music that my mind and my soul connects to as I live life. The music kept the process fun and enjoyable no matter what happened in the session. That is the same reason why I started this blog in the first place. Which is how it has come full circle back to writing again on here. Now I will continue both projects and treat them as sort of extensions of each other.  

 

Finally, let's talk a little about the song for this week. Well, initially I had a different song picked out when I started this blog entry, but as I began to write I realized that I need to go back and at the very least explain my last entry. Because all I did was post the video of the song that I was into at the time of that post. This was before the pandemic even started. As I struggled through winter trying to find my way through the darkest part of the year for those that live in the Northern hemisphere I stumbled upon this just flat-out amazing song by Billy Eilish.  

Now I must start with a disclaimer that I have not always been the biggest fan of Billy Eilish’s music. Some of her music just isn’t my thing right now in my life. I felt like one of her song's kind of glorified suicide which I have a big problem with for a while. I actually tend to like her slower not as popular songs than her very unique up-tempo songs. I first start changing my mind about her music when I heard her song called “Ocean Eyes.” That song and her current hit “Everything I Wanted” have quite blown me away. I now think that she truly is the singer of my generation.  

The voice of Billy Eilish alone is something that just captures you and you get lost in it. Not to mention that as time has gone on, I like the lyrics and the messages that she shares through her music more and more. For myself the song “Everything I Wanted’ is pure ear candy at every level of music production. Sonically it's a musical master piece in my opinion. It’s ear candy that I simply have not gotten enough of even with how many times I have listened to it. Which trust me has been a lot. This blog entry is very long already so let’s go to the lyrics and see what I connected to the most.  

 

“Every Thing I Wanted” by Billy Eilish 

I had a dream 
I got everything I wanted 
Not what you'd think 
And if I'm being honest 

It might've been a nightmare 
To anyone who might care 
Thought I could fly (fly) 
So I stepped off the Golden, mm 
Nobody cried (cried, cried, cried, cried) 
Nobody even noticed 
I saw them standing right there 
Kinda thought they might care (might care, might care) 

I had a dream 
I got everything I wanted 
But when I wake up, I see 
You with me 

And you say, "As long as I'm here 
No one can hurt you 
Don't wanna lie here 
But you can learn to 
If I could change 
The way that you see yourself 
You wouldn't wonder why you hear 
They don't deserve you" 

I tried to scream 
But my head was underwater 
They called me weak 
Like I'm not just somebody's daughter 

Coulda been a nightmare 
But it felt like they were right there 
And it feels like yesterday was a year ago 
But I don't wanna let anybody know 
'Cause everybody wants something from me now 
And I don't wanna let 'em down 

I had a dream 
I got everything I wanted 
But when I wake up, I see 
You with me 

And you say, "As long as I'm here 
No one can hurt you 
Don't wanna lie here 
But you can learn to 
If I could change 
The way that you see yourself 
You wouldn't wonder why you hear 
They don't deserve you" 

If I knew it all then would I do it again? 
Would I do it again? 
If they knew what they said would go straight to my head 
What would they say instead? 
If I knew it all then would I do it again? 
Would I do it again? 
If they knew what they said would go straight to my head 
What would they say instead? 

 

Looking back on the lyrics now I was definitely connecting to some of the lyrics that linked with some of the depressed ideas I had in my head at the time. The lyrics like talking about jumping off a bridge and having no one notice. That can be a real feeling for someone in some more heavy depressive states. At the time of me posting this song I don’t remember feeling that low, but there have been times in my life when I had felt that way. I also like these lyrics, “I tried to scream/ but my head was underwater.” Again, that is very much how depression can make you feel. It can be very hard to not feel like you aren’t drowning constantly. The line “If I could change the way you see yourself/You wouldn't wonder why you hear/They don't deserve you." When I think back to last year these lyrics stood out to me the most because depression can make you think some pretty negative things about yourself. Even if part of you knows it isn’t true it can be hard to see the reality of things. I really the liked the lyrics that comes after that last bit, “But when I wake up, I see/ You with me/And you say, "As long as I'm here/ No one can hurt you.” In the end these last few lyrics helped pull me out of that low point. These words helped me to pull myself away from those negative thoughts about myself. They also helped remind me of all the great people in my life that see me in a better light than I was seeing myself when I’m in a dark place time like I was.  

This entry is so long so I guess I will leave it at that for now because I need to get at writing the next entry to this blog because I have so many songs to share with you! I’m sure I had more to say at the time, but it’s hard to capture what exactly I was feeling and thinking over a year ago. For those readers that made it to the end of this entry thank you. I look forward to sharing more in the future so stay tuned. Also, if you want to check out the latest episode of D-lite Radio you can click here to download or listen online.  

I will be back next week to share the other song that I was going to write about before switching to Billy’s song. Take care of yourself and those around you. With love. = ) 

 

  

 

Let's try something new...

 

Life Through Music: "Everything I Wanted" by Billy Eilish.

Is Death Following me...

Is death following me...



I know the thought of "Is death following me" can seem like a really dark thought to have. Sometimes I'm not quite sure. It seems at times that death is following me around and taking people that mean a lot to me or indirectly taking important people from people close to me. I know that the reality of the situation is that because of my life's circumstances I'm just more highly sensitive and aware of death. However, the amount of weight on my heart caused by grief is immense at times. As one of my friends told me recently after a very dear friend passed away, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You have seen a lot of death in your life." I never really thought about it like that actually. It wasn't till that person pointed out how much loss I have had in my life from deaths that I actually thought about it. That phrase my friend said to me is so true though. That experience of loss I know all too well, unfortunately. That feeling of where did they go...

Where'd you go?



I miss you so

Seems like it's been forever

That you've been gone. 

 She said "Some days I feel like shit

...

Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"

I don't understand why you have to always be gone

I get along but the trips always feel so long

And, I find myself tryna stay by the phone

'Cause your voice always helps me when I feel so alone

But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call

But when I pick up I don't have much to say

So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up

That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin'

Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career



Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so

Seems like it's been forever

That you've been gone.

Where'd you go?

I miss you so

Seems like it's been forever

That you've been gone

Please come back home...



You know the place where you used to live

Used to barbeque up burgers and ribs

Used to have a little party every Hallowe'en with candy by the pile

But now, you only stop by every once in a while

Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time

Anything to keep the thought of you from my mind

I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way

You can call me if you find you have somethin' to say

And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up

That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin'

Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career

Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"



I miss you so

Seems like it's been forever

That you've been gone.

Where'd you go?

I miss you so

Seems like it's been forever

That you've been gone

Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little fucked up



That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin'

Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses

For while you're not around, and feeling so useless

It seems one thing has been true all along

You don't really know what you got 'til it's gone

I guess I've had it with you and your career

When you come back I won't be here and you'll can sing it...

Where'd you go?



I miss you so

Seems like it's been forever

That you've been gone.

Where'd you go?

I miss you so

Seems like it's been forever

That you've been gone

Please come back home

Please come back home

Please come back home

Please come back home

...

Please come back home

The emotion of grief I think is one of the hardest things that humans have to deal with while on this earth. Why do I think this you might ask? Because sometimes I'm able to see the positives in the loss, but the real truth is the pain of the loss will not ever fully go away. That is what makes grief so difficult.

 I don't even want to say that my life experience has been brought with more difficulty with death than others out there, but the truth of the matter is it does matter how much death you have in your life. All it takes is one death of someone that means a considerable amount to you that was taken too soon can still hurt. It's always the ones left behind that have the hardest time.

As in the case of a few very recent deaths, I'm at a loss for words at this point. To be quite honest I've almost become numb to it and I don't think that is where I want to be with it. All I have to offer is trying to be there for others suffering from the loss that death brings. As per usual I will use music to speak for me and that is why I chose the songs that I did for this entry.

I feel like I keep getting the message of "nothing in life is permanent in life" bashed over my head over and over. I think it's part of my own existential journey or crisis while on this planet. I don't like it. I feel the further in life I get most of what I can feel towards those that I have lost is sadness. But still, I push on...

I want to leave on a more positive song about grief & loss so here you go.

"Everglow"





Oh they say people come

Say people go

This particular diamond was extra special

And though you might be gone

And the world may not know

Still I see you celestial



Like a lion you ran

A goddess you rolled

Like an eagle you circled

In perfect purple

So how come things move on

How come cars don't slow

When it feels like the end of my world?

When I should but I can't let you go?



But when I'm cold, cold

When I'm cold, cold

There's a light that you give me

When I'm in shadow

There's a feeling within me, an everglow



Like brothers in blood

Sisters who ride

And we swore on that night

We'd be friends 'til we died

But the changing of winds

And the way waters flow

Life as short as the falling of snow

And now I'm gonna miss you, I know



But when I'm cold, cold

In water rolled, salt

And I know that you're with me

And the way you will show

And you're with me wherever I go

'Cause you give me this feeling, this everglow



What I wouldn't give for just a moment to hold

Yeah, I live for this feeling, this everglow



So if you love someone, you should let them know

Oh, the light that you left me will everglow  

Don't ever waste a moment and appreciate everyone that you have in your life while they are there. Take good care of yourself and others.

As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-lite. = )

Be well.

Life Through Music: "Rocket Man" by Elton John

Many years ago someone I was dating referred to their body as their spacesuit. Back then I thought it was an odd way to think about the human body, but today I can see that it’s so true to think of your body as such. Looking back now over all the things that I have done to try to fix and repair this spacesuit I call my body I realize how much I really have done. I have probably said it too many times in this blog, but so often we forget how much we truly do from day today.

Don’t get me wrong I spent much of my youth trashing my own spacesuit because I (like many of us do) didn’t realize just how truly precious this body I have is. It truly is amazing the abuse my body has taken, but also all the amazing things I have been able to do with this spacesuit while on this planet.

The reason that I bring this up now is because recently I got another major repair to my spacesuit. A few days ago I got surgery on my right knee because of a tear in my meniscus. You may not know what that is, but honestly it doesn’t matter even if you do. Just know that my right knee hurt and was hard to use as time went on. What truly does matter is that over the last 6 months I have found the true importance of both my knees. So much of my life cannot function without the proper use of my knees. 

Back in May of last year when this problem started I tried to fix my knee problem with physical therapy. All the while fighting through the pain as I tried to continue to do those physical activities that are so very important to my life. For awhile I could sort of do it, but then the pain became too much. Then it got worse because the more I used my knee the more I got punished. The last two months have been very debilitating and humbling for me as I have had to pull way back. It’s been beyond frustrating for me on many levels.

Still I kept my head up and pushed forward. I also reached out to those in my health toolbox and got things rolling to find a fix for whatever it was that was going on with my knee. Eventually after an MRI scan on my right knee I would find out that it was a tear in my meniscus. I can’t explain how much just knowing what the issue was has helped me over the last few weeks. I guess it’s just that light at the end of the tunnel that really has helped me mentally through this over the last few weeks. I had never been so excited to get a surgical procedure done. I was excited for the surgery because a big part of why my physical self could not keeping up with my mental state is that my spacesuit has been broken. Well, it’s time we get that handled because I got big plans for 2017 and beyond.

I mentioned in my end of the year review blog entry for 2016 that I was so ready to blast off last year. In many ways I did blast of into 2016 at least mentally. My body had a hard time keeping up with where my mind was taking me however and so my progress last year was kind of stunted. Well, this injury has made it so that I had to balance those two parts of myself out. So I may not be able to blast off like I tried to in the beginning of 2016, but things are still looking up. I will spend this year getting myself back up to space travel shape and go on from there. 

On that note I think that the song that I’m picking to accompany this blog entry is one of my favorites. Although it isn’t a directly connected to where I’m at right now I think the song over all has the feeling of being a person of doing greater things and also understanding the process. I think it's going to be a long long time, but I am a rocket man. 

“Rocket Man” by Sir Elton John

She packed my bags last night, pre-flight

Zero hour, nine AM

And I'm gonna be high as a kite by then

I miss the earth so much, I miss my wife

It's lonely out in space

On such a timeless flight

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time

Till touch down brings me 'round again to find

I'm not the man they think I am at home

Oh, no, no, no, I'm a rocket man

Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone

Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids

In fact, it's cold as Hell

And there's no one there to raise them if you did

And all this science I don't understand

It's just my job five days a week

A rocket man, a rocket man

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time

I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders when I found out what it was exactly that was holding me back. Now that the surgery has been done I’m so very excited to get back to work. 2017 is looking good so far. 

As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-lite.