I have made a fire just outside of my cave tonight because the stars and the moon are just too beautiful to miss. I have had so much time to think while living in my cave... so many thoughts I really need to get them out and off my head... don’t really care what happens to them after that...lol. So here we go...
Why have I turned inward and disappeared into this dark cave that I have been in for quite sometime now? Well it’s complicated. Just like when people ask me “how I’m doing these days?” This is my chance to try to fix that or at least give you an idea of how I feel. I talked a bit of some of my struggles on my last blog... but this time I will go a bit further...
Like a lot of people I know and work with. We all are getting older and older and having the same thought of what the fuck am I doing with my life? How did I end up here? How do I get out of here? What do I really want to do with my life? As I am listening to the song by Coldplay “Glass of water” and the lyric that stands out to me is “They say you can see you future inside a glass of water”. I wish it was that easy...I really do. There're people out there that just know what they want to do and they are good at it and they just make it happen. I am not one of those people...
One of the things I like to do is ask people “What did you want to be when you were a little kid?”. It’s very interesting what answers you get. I often think of what happened that got us off the path of getting to those things we once dreamt of being? For me I wanted to be a pilot for the longest time. I must have watched Top Gun a billion times and any other movie that had to do with fighter pilots. My grandma even use to “tape” (yes we are talking VCR days..lol) the show on the discovery channel called “Wings”...I believe it was called. I was so set on being a pilot...well other than I was a bit over the weight limit. It wasn’t till the day I climbed the Astoria Column in Astoria on the tip of northwest Oregon along the coast. http://www.astoriaoregon.com/astoria_column.shtml When I got to the top of the astro collum I realized that I was afraid of heights. Kinda hard to be a pilot when you don’t want to be up in the air. lol I still am fascinated about all of that kind of stuff. I still have been know to watch some old VHS tapes I still have that my grandma gave me. My brother and I watched them a few years ago. I also caught part of Top Gun while at the gym working out a few months ago. I use to know that movie line for line.
Anyways... I am getting distracted and off target. I feel like a failure. I feel like I am not going where I want to go or that I really am going to get stuck where I am. I have stopped a lot of what I thought I wanted to do and got so excited about since the beginning of the year. Because what is so special about me? Who is really going to pay attention to my life? Past my wonderful friends that are reading this right now. I really do appreciate each one of you, but I want to do some of this stuff as a job. So there is that... which is a big part of what has been getting me down. All I seem to be doing right is working on my health. Which I am making progress thank god for that. Don’t get me wrong I am not trying to sound ungrateful that is still a huge priority of mine and will be the rest of my life, but what else is there? I am almost 30... not getting any younger... even started getting gray hairs... quite a bit too...=(. I mean I live by myself paying a rent that is almost $700. I have to work full time to keep up with everything. I thought about every possible way of trying to find money for school. So I can actually learn to write and spell. So Amy will stop making fun of me. =P
On the other hand I feel so selfish. I think about other people in this world that don’t even have half the things I do. From my job to what I own. I mean think about those people in china that work in the factories that make iphones or the mac that I am using right now. They make $160... A MONTH. Oh and that is an increase because one of them just DIED?!?!? Can you imagine living off of $160? I mean granted cost of living is probably quite a bit lower in china... but still and that isn’t for someone that works just 20 or 30 hours a week or even 40 hours a week. These people that are working shifts in 30+ hours straight at a time. There are plenty of people in other countries were it’s normal for them to just grow up and work. They don’t get the liberty of thinking about college or even hobbies.
So here I am bitching about not being in college learning to be something special or that I don’t have enough time to play video games. That makes me feel like a piece of shit a big pile of steaming dog shit! (oh there it is that old damn sailor me...lol). So either way I have been feeling down lately. Some of it is I have been feeling very lonely... long before I put myself in this cave mind you. My love life or the lack there of... My money woes... which I am slowly making my way through. I could keep going all day, but I have wasted enough of your time.
So what else am I suppose to do? What other choice do I have? I do like I always do...put my head down and keep pushing forward. This has a lot to do with my astrological sign which is Aries which is symbolized by the Ram. Instead of a ram though I think of me more like a rhino because of one of my other nicknames that I got from a night of drinking with my sis (a night she wouldn’t let me forget...lol). So after falling on the ground because I was pretty fucking drunk. I decided I was going to knock over the box fan she had on the floor with my head. After I successfully did that I kept saying over and over “I’m the rhino... I’m the rhino”. That is what cheap whiskey will do to you. “quantity over quality” lol. I am the fucking rhino and you better watch out a stampede is coming to a town near you.
Music like usual is a big part of helping me through this and lets just say I have been in John mayer land. He seems to be speaking the same language. So I do have a lot of what I need to help me hopefully get to where I want to be. It’s just trying to make my way back to where I want to go and focusing my energy.
But there is definitely something missing... might actually be more than one... well at least from the list that Mr. John Mayer gives in this song that I have been listening to a lot.
As always with love and pure d-lite. =)
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