Life Through Music-"Hedegraad" Featuring Lukas Grahan (Happy Home)

The holiday season always makes me think of the idea of home. For me home is that place that you hold as your space in this world. This above all things has always been very important to me. A place that no matter the world that is going on around you it’s that space that you hold that you can be yourself in the center of this craziness we call life. 

Home has always been a focus for me for as long as I can remember. Life is a very crazy thing that is always throwing something new at you because it’s rapidly changing. The only way that I have been able to deal with life’s changes all these years is having a stable place that I can center myself. This importance of a happy home has become more relevant to me as I have gotten older and especially now that I’m without both of my parents. They say that home is where your heart is and my heart has become the most important thing that I have in this world. Therefore, home has just as much importance in my life as I move forward. 

I was lucky as a child growing up because I always had a stable place I called home. It wasn’t always easy or perfect, but my mother worked hard to maintain a stable home as much as possible. When I look back I remember a wonderful home that I was a part of. When I was old enough to move out of my mother’s home and out into the world I took many of the things that I had learned growing up to instill that same greatness in my own space. 

In the time that I have live on my own I have been very fortunate to have had only two roommates. I have escaped all the horror stories I have heard of what it’s like when a situation with a roommate can go bad. My first roommate was my older sister that I have always had a strong connection with throughout my life. After our first round of living together we took quite a few years living apart from each other before we decided to move in together again. This time around I’m even more thankful than I was the first time that we lived together. Life is quite a bit different for both of us than it was when we last lived together. This time around we have helped to recenter and support each other. This kind of stability has been much needed for us both during this tough year of 2014.

I know I have mentioned it before, but to be more direct 2014 for me has been a shit storm of bad things that have happened in my life. Truthfully I can’t wait for this year to be over. 

Don’t get me wrong there has been some great moments and events that have been sprinkled throughout this year that have made life more tolerable. One of those wonderful moments came over the summer when I moved back in with my sister. In fact moving back in with my sister went so well it kind of scared both of us. Like we were still looking over our shoulders waiting for something to go wrong. So far the second time around living with each other is going great. Well, other than me eating to much of certain foods of my sisters on occasion and my struggle to get my sister to unload the dishwasher more than she does currently because she despises unloading the dishwasher. Overall though I couldn’t be more happy with the place that I currently call home. 

The song I picked to accompany this topic of home is a song that a good friend send me a while ago and probably thought I forgot all about it. Well, I didn’t forget about it. Sometimes it just takes me a little while to come around to getting to it. I love when others share music with me and especially when those songs hit the right note that strikes an emotion within myself. The song is called “Hedegaard”(Happy Home) featuring Lukas Graham. Lukas Graham is a Danish musical group consisting of Lukas Graham Forchhammer (vocals), Mark Falgren (drums), Magnus Larsson (bass) and Kasper Daugaard (keyboard). You read it right. LOOK OUT! Derrick Heine is now going international with my music selections. The version I first heard was the one that I will post on this entry right above the lyrics. I love this version of the song because there is such an uplifting big sound that the song holds and the live version helps build on that feeling. Really the song speaks for it’s self so lets go to the lyrics. 

Happy Home

Mama called about the paper turns out they wrote about me

Now my broken heart´s the only thing that's broke about me

(I have had much heart break this year for sure.)

So many people should have seen what we got going on

I only wanna put my heart and my life in songs

(Well, not in songs, but I do put a lot into these blog entries.)

Writing about the pain I felt with my daddy gone

(Yeah I definitely do. Some you have seen and some you haven’t.)

About the emptiness I felt when I sat alone

(Yes, I know this well.)Thankfully it’s not as often as it use to be.

About the happiness I feel when I sing it loud

(Yes, when I really let the music push that what’s in me out into the world I feel amazing. I do this mostly when others are not around though.)

He should have heard the noise we made with the happy crowd

Did my grandaddy know he taught me what a poem was

How you can use a sentence or just a simple pause

(We talked about this a lot in my public speaking class. How important and powerful a pause can be.)

What will I say when my kids ask me who my daddy was

I thought about it for a while and I'm at a loss

(I think about this a lot and I too am at a loss much of the time. Not just with my father, but my mother now as well.)

Knowing that I´m gonna live my whole life without him

I found out a lot of things I never knew about him

(I know I couldn’t have had them forever, but both left my life too early. It’s sad how much more I learned about them after they passed away.)

All I know is that I´ll never really be alone

Cause we gotta lot of love and a happy home

(Because of things that both my parents instilled in me I will always work hard to keep a happy home.)

Magazines are writing stuff but I don´t ever read them

Some of the folks I used to know would see and start believing

That I would pass them by on streets and never reach to greet them

I still remember folks even though I rarely meet them

Don´t you know I miss the times when we used to hang

(I think about those that have come in and out of my life more than I share. I reminisce about both current people in my life and people of the past people that have touched my life. I really hope they all are doing so well.)

Before twenty deep depended on a single man

Before a single heart was broken by a single blow

(This is how I have always been even before my heart was broken with “two” heavy blows to my heart.)

Before all our careers depended on a single show

I grew up with a lot of love in a happy home

(Yes, I did.)

Now I got a lot of cash and I'm on a road

I realize privacy´s becoming difficult

It´s all right now but what about when I´m old

I know my good friends now they´ll last

the same ones that stood by me when my daddy past

(I really have such a great core of friends and they continue to grow. This was proven to me very blatantly when each one of my parents passed on. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Great friendship is one of the greatest gifts in life.)

All I know is that we´ll never really be alone

Cause we got a lot of love and a happy home

I write a lot of songs will anybody ever read them

(I will never be alone that I know. I do hope my words written transcend both time and space.)

You hear them on the radio but will you really read them

Why do we have our idols and why do we wanna be them

After we see them on TV we really wanna meet them

Don´t you think they miss the time when they used to hang

Before a fan base depended on a single man

Before a single heart was broken by a single show

Who´s gonna stand who´s gonna fall I really wanna know

(Some people come and some people go.)

I grew up with a lot of love in a happy home

My daddy use to play me vinyl but now daddy´s gone

(Yes, he did and it was one of the greatest things I loved about my father. I truly think he was the best version of himself when he was behind the turntable doing what he loved the most. Thank you for sharing that with me dad.)

I used to practice with my mommy on the piano

I still get nervous every time I know she´s at a show

Now my family comes first before everyone

I had the perfect dad I wanna be the perfect son

(Both my mother and my father did their best to be as good of a parent as they could or knew how to. I think I turned out pretty well so I can’t complain. I try my best to be the best son and person that I can be.)

Though I really feel sometimes I am on my own

I know I got a lot of love and a happy home

So, my message to you this holiday season is as you make your way through the craziness that is the holidays please make sure you take the time to appreciate what it is that makes the core or the home of your life. This is important for many reasons, but especially because you never know how life will change your life in a heartbeat. I love you all and I hope you are taking excellent care of yourselves.

As always I send this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = )

Life Through Music: “The Winter Song” by The Head and The Heart

It’s been long enough now that I should break the silence that is me in the fall. I need to get some of my thoughts out of my head. It’s been tough to find the right words lately because I’m experiencing such a range of emotions. During the autumn I always find myself going inward and very self reflective. I guess it makes sense to do this since we are in the final days of the year of 2014. Oh and what a weird year it has been for me at least, I can’t speak for you. It is true that life does not really care about the time frames that we put on life such as these things called “years”. For me having years is a good way to manage keeping things fresh for myself. Every year is a clean slate to do what you will with it. Well, the last few months have given me much to think about when it comes to how this year has gone. What things I like about this year and what things I want to do differently for next year. Those things will come out over time in my writings I’m sure. For now lets get to some music that has helped me through this process of late. 

I believe I may have picked this song before in years passed. I should probably pick it at some point because it just embodies the feeling I have right now and always during the fall months of each year. The song that I’m picking is a song by one of my favorite bands The Head and The Heart and it is called “The Winter Song”. It’s a song that invokes such melancholy for myself. Such sweet harmonies that carry such a simple song of reflection and a bit of hope for the future as well. Lets get to the lyrics.

"Winter Song"

Tell me somethin', give me hope for the night

We don't know how we feel

We're just prayin' that we're doin' this right

Though that's not the way it seems

(Life can be rough and hard to understand just how we feel at times. Sometimes you just have to hope that you are doing things to the best of your ability and let the rest fall into place.)

Summer gone, now winter's on its way

I will miss the days we had

The days we had

I will miss the days we had

The days we had

Oh, I'll miss the days we had

(Yes, summer is finally gone here in the Pacific northwest and I will miss the days we had for sure. I will miss many days I had with those that are no longer here as well.)

Loving, leaving, it's too late for this now

Such esteem for each has gone

Has time driven our season away?

Cause that's the way it seems

In the world of the speech that is new

(Life is full of love and leaving. It’s up to us to make the most of the time we have. The times we have.)

I'll be back again to stay

Again to stay

I'll be back again to stay

Again to stay

I'll be back again to stay

( And so the cycle continues. One ending is just the beginning of another. This year will end soon and a new one will begin.)

One of my favorite things about the band The Head and The Heart is that there music seems so down to earth. There harmonies are so fun to sing along with and I do often. This song I picked in particular is one that my sister and I love to sing along with when we are together. 

I hope that you are enjoying the season and taking the time to enjoy the little & big things that pass by so quickly. 

As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = )

Life Through Music: “Lost On My Way Home” by Chromeo

It’s the line that ever single person or person that has gotten dumped never likes hearing. That line goes as follows, “It takes time.” *long sigh* God, I’m so tired of this line. Even if I know that it is the truest statement when it comes to getting over situations like breakups and or being single. I still don’t like hearing it. Time is truly the only helpful thing we all know that, but it still stings to hear it. I know that everyone that has said this line to me over the course of my life has said it to me with as much love as it can possibly hold, but regardless it still hurts to hear it. Lately I have decided that instead of hearing it from everyone else I know, I found a song that has hammered down this phrase in my mind pretty clearly. It also came along with some other helpful words that have moved my mind in a better direction when dealing with my latest breakup. 

The song I picked this week is from a band that has been showing up on my music radar, on and off, over the past few years. I first heard about the band from my two cousins Jason and Kyle while in conversation during a video game session online a while back. The way they talked about the group, in that conversation, made me think that I would probably like them as well. They both have similar music taste to my own and so I added it to my “Must check out” music list. 

It took me a while to check them out though, but recently I finally jumped in to the world of the band that is called Chromeo. My pick for this week is the first song that I fell in love with immensely from the group. I have played it over and over many times since I heard it a few weeks ago. I just can’t seem to get enough of it. I’m trying to think of how to best describe their music sound. It’s definitely very electronic sounding with a bit of 80‘s dance vibe with a splash of modern day sound. Its definitely right up my alley of the music I love these days.

The specific song that I picked from Chromeo for this week’s song of the week is called “Lost On My Way Home.” This song, like last week, has a chorus and a bridge that are the parts of the song that I connected with the most. There is some other parts in the song that I can relate to as well so lets get to those lyrics.

Lyrics:

"Lost On The Way Home"

(feat. Solange)

[Interlude 1 - Solange:]

Who's gonna to have your time, when it's down to the minute? (Baby)

Who's gonna have your time?

Who's gonna have your back, when the shove comes a pushin'? (Uh, Ooh Baby)

Who's gonna have your back?

[Verse 1 - Dave 1:]

I know you do

I'm pretty sure you had it since I've met you

I listen to you talk, and it's like you forgetin' about all the bullshit that we've been through

But I've paid my dues, whatever you choose

I took the burden off of you too

I don't know why it's such a struggle to make you come around to my point of view

(She made a choice and therefore I made my own chices accordingly. We will probably never see eye to eye on what happened and that is just the way it is.)

[Bridge - Solange:]

And I know it's gonna take time

But you know that I care

But baby I know it's gonna take time

But you know that I'm there

And when it gets down to it

(When it gets down to it I do care. We both do. It couldn’t have gone any other way unfortunately. It’s a shame.)

[Chorus - Dave 1:]

I can never leave I'm too proud

I've got my mind made up, my feet on the ground

When you're up all night and you never make a sound

Where I'm not too far if you look around

(It’s hard to let go of something that from “my point of view” was something so close to what I want in a connection with someone in my love life. The harsh reality is even as great as it was it was still missing a few key pieces to the puzzle.)

[Interlude 2 - Solange:]

Who's gonna have your right, when your left needs leanin'? (Ooh Baby)

Who's gonna take your side?

Who's gonna hold you down, when your heart beat's beatin'?

Ooh Baby You Know

[Verse 2 - Dave 1:]

I know it's you

That's no excuse

And we can't go back, cause there's no pact and there's no truce

In other words, it's just no use

I told you first, when you know the truth

I know you're thirsty for a change, 

but nothing can arrange the strangeness that we're goin' through

(It’s true we can’t go back. What is done is done and we both have to live with our decisions. I am thirsty for change. I do crave a different outcome than the ones I have gotten in my love life of late and I will find it. So strange how life is sometimes.)

[Bridge - Solange:]

And I know it's gonna take time

But you know that I care

But baby I know it's gonna take time

But you know that I'm there

And when it gets down to it

(The dreaded line...”I know it’s going to take time...” Yes, I know time is the only true healer of the heart. Not just with my love life, but many other things in life.) 

[Chorus - Dave 1:]

I can never leave I'm too proud

I've got my mind made up, my feet on the ground

(I can be very stubborn about my decisions too.)

When you're up all night and you never make a sound

Where I'm not too far if you look around

(Oh, I’m around alright. I’m not going anywhere.)

[Bridge - Solange:]

And I know it's gonna take time

But you know that I care

But baby I know it's gonna take time

But you know that I'm there

And when it gets down to it

[Outro - Dave 1:]

We had much of everything

Your touch was everything

Went dutch on everything

But got lost on the way home

We had much of everything

Your touch was everything

Went dutch on everything

But got lost on the way home

Lost on the way home [x7]

(It was short, I know. It’s true that it could have been worse if we had gone further down the line that's for sure, but I loved so much what we had for a second. We couldn’t find our way home though however and so it fizzled out as quickly as it began. My search continues, however, for more of what I found with you. Better yet, something even more. Something that will last.)

Well, I think that about sums it up. This song has been the song that has gotten me up and out of my bed the last few weeks. It has helped me move forward and I will lean on this song till I no longer need it. It does help that it has a great groove to the song that I can dance to so it’s not a song to keep me down. 

It may seem weird to have a short connection in my love life affect me so much, but this is really a blog entry about more than that one connection. It's really about the past few situations that I have had to get over in my love life. It's a love connection pile up that I intend to move past and on to better things. 

The weird twist to this last connection that I’m writing about was that one of the factors that led to her to change her mind about being with me was because she knew the person that I have written about many times before in this blog. The one I speak of is the woman that had haunted me for 10 years. And even though that said person didn’t know that she affected my last love connection, in round about way she did in fact help ruin a potential connection with someone I really liked. Damn that woman. I can’t say it enough...STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE.

But as always, my lovely peoples, I send this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = ) Take care. 

Life Through Music: "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by The Rolling Stones

I am really trying to pull myself out of the little mess I created in my love life. I really am. I have reached out to those that support me by contacting all the tools in my complete health toolbox. I did this of course to keep me afloat and get me heading in the right direction with my life again. Luckily for me I have this drive in me that kicks in at some point and says,”Alright. Enough of the bullshit. I need to do something to change this.” So that is what I have been doing lately. I’m currently managing all the factors that “I” have control over in my life. What I have found when I looked at the situation is that there is quite a bit that I can control. 

During this movement of trying to kick my own heine back into gear the song I picked for this week came on. The song is from a band you might have heard of before called The Rolling Stones. The song is called “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” This seems to be the theme for my love life throughout my life up until this point. In my love life I have yet to feel like I ever get what I “want” and rarely I even get what I “need” when it comes to relationships for that matter. 

So, now starts the rebuilding process and the hardest part for me is trusting and having faith in what the universe has planned for me. I can say openly I have a “really” hard time trusting this part of the process. Even as I write about it I get this sick feeling in my stomach, but I know I have to do it. 

When you have a situation in your love life that just falls apart or just being rejected in general it’s always a painful process. It’s like an attack on your character and for myself I start reevaluating myself on many levels. In a way it’s a test of your character and how strong you hold true to who you are. For me it’s hard because I always try to turn it around on myself. Like what could I have done better? What about me wasn’t good enough? I have started to change that pattern and that way of thinking. In this latest case I have been trying to get myself to understand that it was much more about the other person than it was ever about me. There is two sides to every relationship and of course this is only my side of the story. I did play a part in allowing it to happen even though I knew deep down inside I shouldn’t have gone the route that I did. I’m getting better at listening to that voice of reason inside of me, but this is an example that tells me that I’m still not doing my best to listen to that voice.Then again I am human right?

Enough of all that stuff for now you don’t need to know the nitty gritty of all the work I’m doing with myself.  The point of all I have shared is that I am doing the work and trying my best. I will be okay and life will go on. Lets breath some light and love into this situation by allowing myself to heal. I will continue the self love regiment that I have started recently and keep myself busy so my mind doesn’t get trapped in the circle like I normally do. I will do what I feel is the best for me and overall I think that I’m good at taking care of myself and that brings me lots of comfort.

I am a great guy. I am worthy of great and wonderful love. I deserve the kind of loving relationship that I have always wanted. I will trust that I can find it and I will trust myself enough to follow my own instincts regarding such matters. 

To the lyrics!

"You Can't Always Get What You Want"

I saw her today at the reception

A glass of wine in her hand

I knew she would meet her connection

At her feet was a footloose man

No, you can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometime you find

You get what you need

I saw her today at the reception

A glass of wine in her hand

I knew she was gonna meet her connection

At her feet was a footloose man

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes well you might find

You get what you need

And I went down to the demonstration

To get my fair share of abuse

Singing, "We're gonna vent our frustration

If we don't we're gonna blow a 50-amp fuse"

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes well you just might find

You get what you need

I went down to the Chelsea drugstore

To get your prescription filled

I was standing in line with Mr. Jimmy

And man, did he look pretty ill

We decided that we would have a soda

My favorite flavor, cherry red

I sung my song to Mr. Jimmy

Yeah, and he said one word to me, and that was "dead"

I said to him

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you just might find

You get what you need

You get what you need--yeah, oh baby

I saw her today at the reception

In her glass was a bleeding man

She was practiced at the art of deception

Well I could tell by her blood-stained hands

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you just might find

You just might find

You get what you need

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you just might find

You just might find

You get what you need

(Really most of the lyrics don’t connect with me except for the chorus. For right now I’m trying to find what I need and that in turn should lead me to what I want at least one day that is.)

I really wish I could skip over the pain and the sadness that comes with this part of the process, but I can’t. I can however determine how long those two things last. So, on that note lets raise our glasses that our full of hope and positivity to make a toast. ‘Here is to happier days and to better opportunities in life.” Now drink in deeply and with this song blasting loud do your best Mick Jagger impression. If nothing else do a bit a dancing till you feel better because that is what I do. 

As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-Lite. = )

Life Through Music: "Dirty Dream Number Two" by Belle and Sebastian

I want to take a second to open up a bit about myself considering some recent developments that I connected to regarding Robin Williams. I want to open up even more than I already have over the course of this blog that I started many years ago. *takes a deep long breath* 

In the light of the recent passing of Robin Williams I think it has brought the attention to many issues that we don’t like to talk about or address in society. Even for myself and especially with my blog entries I try to stay away from the darkness and focus on the light in life. I don’t do it in a way to ignore it because I definitely know that the dark side of life is real and plays a role in life. I do it because I try to shine a beacon of hope and possibility to the good in life that lingers around us in life if we choose to see it. 

What you may not know about me is that I have struggled with depression on a very deep level during my life. There has been two times where that depression has been at a dangerous level for myself. Even as I embrace the very sensitive side of myself and also allow the rest of the world to see that side of me I’m playing a very dangerous game. The danger is from exposing that part of yourself to the world makes you extremely vulnerable. 

I made a decision a few years ago that I would allow myself to fully feel every emotion that I went through in life to the fullest. One of the biggest things that I did to insure that this happened was I decided to not use any drugs to check out. Which was easier for me to do than some because I really didn’t do many drugs in the first place. This also meant that I wouldn’t allow myself to change that course as I started to feel on a deeper level. So far that has held true for me which has made my life super great and very hard at times. This decision has been tested quite a few times for myself since I made the choice to be present at all times in life. Since making that choice I have had some really tough things I have had to go through that definitely made me question my choice. I have held strong on my choice even through these rough times and I’m very proud of myself for doing so because it sounds much easier than it really is. 

This isn’t just another blog entry about drugs and addiction because I have already talked about that before. I mentioned it because it plays a part in my story with how I deal with tough things in life and why it is very hard for me to handle difficult situations at times. This reminds me of a phrase that I have been using a lot lately which is, “Life is really hard and all of us are trying everyday to do the best that we can.” That statement is so very true and we need to remind ourselves of that as much as possible as we struggle through life so we don’t get pulled down into the darkness. 

I have always been a very sensitive person from as far back as I can remember. I remember as a very young kid absorbing all the pain and anger that came with my parent’s divorce. Which I know it’s typical for a kid going through a divorce, but I mean I absorbed some pretty intense emotions from each parent on a level that really bogged me down from a young age. This early exposure to intense emotions between my parents moved me to my first way of dealing with that heaviness which was I acted out. I got in fights with teachers through my early years of elementary school. Then in third grade when I finally got in big trouble I had to find a different way to deal with my emotions. This new way of dealing became going inward. My way to deal with the pain was I began to eat to deal. I literally stuffed everything inside and physically it started to show. I didn’t know of a better way and so that pattern continued till after high school and into my 20’s. During the ladder part of that time I did contemplate suicide. Thankfully for myself I didn’t fully lose myself enough to go through with it, but I understand now how someone gets to the point of making that decision. Depression can be a very paralyzing thing and often a very quiet danger that those around you can’t see. This is what makes it so hard to help those that are suffering from depression. 

With my first experience with suicide I just remembering how intense my emotions had gotten. Those intense feelings made me feel as though I really just needed the pain to stop. I know it sounds crazy to hear someone say that, but it’s really the point you get to in your head in your darkest moment. With my rational mind blocked off with these horrible thoughts death seemed like a very good option to take the suffering away. It wasn’t of course and I know now there is other ways to take the pain of depression away. 

In that first really dark moment for myself it was the people in my life like my mother, my sister, and my brother that came to mind that helped give me reason to not to end my life. Not everyone has that luxury to have good people in their lives to help them handle difficult situations like depression. Even worse than that is that having good people in your life isn’t always enough for you to find your way out. I feel truly blessed that, for me, having good people in my life was enough for me to pull myself up enough to stay out of the very bottom of the darkness I was in. These reasons also would come into play during my second darkest period of my life and continually help me to this day. 

The second time came after I had been emotionally drain beyond a healthy level and I almost lost myself again to depression. I had recently learned how to really love myself and I started to fill that love tank, that is within myself, up in a very healing and powerful way. I felt as though I had filled that love tank inside myself enough that it was overflowing so much that I could share without care. As a result I had to learn the hard way that I was giving what I thought as “extra” love out into the world to those that didn’t give any love back. This caused me to quickly drain my own love tank till I almost ran out. Somehow I found the strength to step away from the person I was with at the time that had been sucking most of that love out of me without reciprocating it back to me. Unfortunately by the time I stepped away from her I was already at a dangerous low level of emotional turmoil with myself. That is when with my self love was at an all time low all the darkness and negativity came creeping in very fast. There I was again in the same position I was many years before when I just wanted the pain and suffering to end. Even though I had been through this same kind of situation before the pain is so much that you start to lose the rational thoughts that would normally denounce thoughts about ending your life. So, for those that have never been through situation like this it is much more complex that someone just taking their own life.

I’m very blessed the reasons that stopped me the first time came to my rescued during my second darkest moment. When I reached out to my sister she was there in a heartbeat without question or judgement. She quickly proceeded to grab my hand and pulled. She didn’t pull me entirely out of the dark hole I had put myself in, but she didn’t let me fall any further in. Over the course of the months and years that followed that incident she continued to be behind me holding me up just enough to allow me to do the work I needed to heal myself and get better. My mother and my brother were not far behind. The three of them became my core and the thing that keeps me going to this day. 

I feel it is necessary to let this part out of me with the recent passing of Robin Williams and our now known battle with his own depression. It’s a very serious and real thing that we don’t talk about as much as we should. It’s a lot like how death isn’t talked about as much as it should be in our society.

I also felt it important to talk about it now because there has been much sadness and heartache going on in my life this year of 2014. From the loss of my mother, struggles at my job, trying to figure out my future, numerous failures in my love life, and the list goes on. 2014 has not been my year. It has been such a hard thing to manage anything this year let alone my emotions. Most days I’m really struggling even if I don’t look it. Part of me knows that much of my struggle is part of the grieving process, but so much of me is tired of the sadness. Some days I think what is really the point? Why am I even doing this? Why should I even bother? I am one of those people that every morning I have to find a reason to get out of bed. Somedays finding that reason is easier than others, but regardless every morning I ask that same question “Why am I showing up today?" I know I’m not the only one that does this every morning which makes me sad, but also it brings me comfort at the same time to know I’m not the only one. 

This is not to say there hasn’t been patches of happiness or good things that have happened in 2014 because there has been. Overall this year has been very hard for myself to function in a more upbeat and happy person that I know I can be. I’m trying everyday to make the best of it and keep my head up. 

This also leads me into one of the things that has helped me over the past few weeks. It’s the song I’m picking to represent the past couple of weeks for me instead of just this week. It’s a song by Belle and Sebastion called “Dirty Dream Number 2.” It’s a group that I listen to a lot to back in the early 2000s and just recently heard this song and it fit pretty well to how I feel these days. 

Lryics:

Dirty Dream Number Two

I'm lucky, I can open the door and I can walk down the street

(How quickly I forget that I’m very lucky to be able to do many simple things like opening up the door and walk outside. I get very caught up on the drama of the world and my own struggle that I forget the good things right in front of me.)

Unlucky, I've got no place to go and so I follow my feet
A choice is facing you, a healthy dose of pain
A choice is facing you as you stare through the rain
A choice is facing you but I choose to refrain for today
Tomorrow we'll be back in trouble again

(One foot after the other I will make it through the tough choices I have had to make.)

Dream one, you had a whole lot of fun with a comedian
Stop short of going all the way, you'll have to make it someday
Why is this happening to you, you're not a child
Why is this happening you're too much on your mind

(Why are these things happening to me I don’t know? One day I will make it all the way to where I want to be with many things in my life. If it will not be now it will be someday.)

Things creep up on you when you are fast asleep
You are dreaming, you are sleepy, you are stuck to the sheets

In a town so small there's no escaping you
In a town so small there's no escape from view
In a town so small there's nothing left to do

Dream two, you couldn't see her face, but you saw everything else
Dream two was pretty special, easily beats loving yourself
Could you put a name to someone else's sigh?
Could you put a face to someone else's eyes?
Is it someone that you'd maybe recognize?
But it all fades into morning when you open your eyes

( So often the things I wish were just dreams aren’t and the dreams I have about things I wish were real usually aren’t. I have to keep pressing forward and try not to lose hope.)

I can’t end this blog entry on a negative note so I will end with some thoughts of gratitude about my life so here are some important ones for me right now. 

I’m grateful to have a sister who truly loves me so much. 

I’m grateful to have so many great people (both family and friends) in my life that truly care about me on a deeper level. 

I’m grateful I have a body that although it has it’s issues, It’s actually in pretty decent shape from all the things that I have put it through already.

I’m grateful for being able to live at the magic cottage. 

I’m grateful to know what love is.

I’m grateful to have woken up this morning.

I’m grateful for having a good job with great coworkers.

I’m grateful to have others to bring me up when I’m feeling down.

I’m grateful for laughter. For my ability to make others laugh and for those that make me laugh.

I’m grateful to have good food to keep a healthy body. 

I’m grateful that I’m still here today with the opportunity to make today a good day. 

As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = )