Her name was...

Well, because today is Valentine's Day and its definitely one of my favorite holidays... *shaking head no*... I thought I would share some of my thoughts on the day made up for celebrating your love ones. This holiday for me over my lifetime I think has given me more grief than love to be quite honest. This year the days leading up to V-day I actually had a weird experience when catching up with an elementary classmate. That person had a strong connection to one of those early love life speed bumps for myself. In this conversation I was taken right back to one of my first not so great situations in my very bumpy road that is my love life. It also got me thinking very deeply about where I began with my love life and how that effects my love life today. 

It was fifth grade and her name was Melissa Carmen. She wasn’t at all my first crush thats for sure. Because even at a young age I was known to have many crushes to girls that I went to school with. Melissa had dark hair and brown eyes. I think she must have been Spanish or Italian somewhere down the line in her family. She was everything that I still end up picking out when I look at women even to this day. Funny how somethings never change. Now, I don’t need to go into detail of what I did to try to connect with Melissa because frankly it was just a big mess. I was young and very foolish, but I definitely did go head over feet for her. I did many things that I wish I could have taken back. The thing about life is we can’t just go back and change things. However, we can learn from them and prevent them from happening again. 

Now, why I bring the story of Melissa up is that one of her friends in elementary school at the time of my crush found out that I liked Melissa and so the torment began. Kristi Carlson is her name and she is the person that I mentioned above that recently tried to friend me on Facebook. Now, I don’t want to give the impression that I have been festering about this situation that happened over 20 years ago, but when I saw the friend request on Facebook the first thoughts that came to my mind was how she treated me when she found out that I liked Melissa. There was many notes passed. Emotions played with and laughed at. If was horrible. Kids in elementary school can be so cruel. In a way I think after that situation it was a big reason why I didn’t make any advances to women for a long time after. You know I have heard many women complain about men not being forward enough or being confident enough to ask a woman out and such. Well, situations like I had with Melissa are the reasons many of us guys get that way. I think in many ways at least for heterosexual people that women already know who they choose before any attempt is made. However, some women know how to handle the situation with more care than others. Especially if the person making advances at them is not the one of their choosing. 

So, I confronted Kristi and told her what came up for me when she tried to reconnect with me recently. There was some apologies made and some forgiveness given. As I told Kristi that even though I wasn’t dwelling on this situation with Melissa my whole life her apology was nice to have and maybe on some level I was allowed to let it go. Sometimes we hold on to things we aren’t even aware of. Those things often right the code for how we operate in the bodies we have made over the years. 

Oh and as a side note I actually saw Melissa about a decade ago. My friend and coworker at the time Emily was a friend of hers. When Melissa found out that Emily and I knew each other she proceeded to tell Emily of my crush and all the things that accompanied it. Lucky me. Melissa even came through the drive-thru at my work and we talked for a few minutes. That was the last time I saw here though and even though I think Emily might have thought things might go differently for us later in life this was not the case. No hard feelings and I wish her the best. Just funny how life is some times. 

These are the moments I wish I could play “Where are they now” for all the people I have met in my life. I really do hope all of them are well and living the best lives that they can. 

I miss the days of waking up and my mom leaving her kids Valentine's Day gifts. There is one woman that has never ruined the holiday for me at least. 

I don’t need “one day” to celebrate love. I definitely don’t “need” someone else to love me. I don’t “need” a reason to listen to slow jams I just do. I buy myself chocolate all the time. I don’t need “one day” to remember how to show someone I love them. However, one day I will find someone that I can share those things with and more. To all those that are taking the day to make this holiday special good for you. Just don’t let it fizzle out tomorrow. 

I want to leave you with two songs actually. The first one was a song I listen to a lot when I would think about Melissa back in the day. Oh the 90's....

The other is the first (I kid you not) song that played this morning on my itunes that is set to shuffle, but I think it sums up today for me. 

As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-lite. LOVE. = )

Thoughts from beside the campfire....

I have made a fire just outside of my cave tonight because the stars and the moon are just too beautiful to miss. I have had so much time to think while living in my cave... so many thoughts I really need to get them out and off my head... don’t really care what happens to them after that...lol. So here we go...

Why have I turned inward and disappeared into this dark cave that I have been in for quite sometime now? Well it’s complicated. Just like when people ask me “how I’m doing these days?” This is my chance to try to fix that or at least give you an idea of how I feel. I talked a bit of some of my struggles on my last blog... but this time I will go a bit further...

Like a lot of people I know and work with. We all are getting older and older and having the same thought of what the fuck am I doing with my life? How did I end up here?  How do I get out of here? What do I really want to do with my life? As I am listening to the song by Coldplay “Glass of water” and the lyric that stands out to me is “They say you can see you future inside a glass of water”. I wish it was that easy...I really do. There're people out there that just know what they want to do and they are good at it and they just make it happen. I am not one of those people... 

One of the things I like to do is ask people “What did you want to be when you were a little kid?”. It’s very interesting what answers you get. I often think of what happened that got us off the path of getting to those things we once dreamt of being? For me I wanted to be a pilot for the longest time. I must have watched Top Gun a billion times and any other movie that had to do with fighter pilots. My grandma even use to “tape” (yes we are talking VCR days..lol) the show on the discovery channel called “Wings”...I believe it was called. I was so set on being a pilot...well other than I was a bit over the weight limit. It wasn’t till the day I climbed the Astoria Column in Astoria on the tip of northwest Oregon along the coast. http://www.astoriaoregon.com/astoria_column.shtml When I got to the top of the astro collum I realized that I was afraid of heights. Kinda hard to be a pilot when you don’t want to be up in the air. lol I still am fascinated about all of that kind of stuff. I still have been know to watch some old VHS tapes I still have that my grandma gave me. My brother and I watched them a few years ago. I also caught part of Top Gun while at the gym working out a few months ago. I use to know that movie line for line. 

Anyways... I am getting distracted and off target. I feel like a failure. I feel like I am not going where I want to go or that I really am going to get stuck where I am. I have stopped a lot of what I thought I wanted to do and got so excited about since the beginning of the year. Because what is so special about me? Who is really going to pay attention to my life? Past my wonderful friends that are reading this right now. I really do appreciate each one of you, but I want to do some of this stuff as a job. So there is that... which is a big part of what has been getting me down. All I seem to be doing right is working on my health. Which I am making progress thank god for that. Don’t get me wrong I am not trying to sound ungrateful that is still a huge priority of mine and will be the rest of my life, but what else is there? I am almost 30... not getting any younger... even started getting gray hairs... quite a bit too...=(. I mean I live by myself paying a rent that is almost $700. I have to work full time to keep up with everything. I thought about every possible way of trying to find money for school. So I can actually learn to write and spell. So Amy will stop making fun of me. =P

On the other hand I feel so selfish. I think about other people in this world that don’t even have half the things I do. From my job to what I own. I mean think about those people in china that work in the factories that make iphones or the mac that I am using right now. They make $160... A MONTH. Oh and that is an increase because one of them just DIED?!?!? Can you imagine living off of $160? I mean granted cost of living is probably quite a bit lower in china... but still and that isn’t for someone that works just 20 or 30 hours a week or even 40 hours a week. These people that are working shifts in 30+ hours straight at a time. There are plenty of people in other countries were it’s normal for them to just grow up and work. They don’t get the liberty of thinking about college or even hobbies. 

So here I am bitching about not being in college learning to be something special or that I don’t have enough time to play video games. That makes me feel like a piece of shit a big pile of steaming dog shit! (oh there it is that old damn sailor me...lol). So either way I have been feeling down lately. Some of it is I have been feeling very lonely... long before I put myself in this cave mind you. My love life or the lack there of... My money woes... which I am slowly making my way through. I could keep going all day, but I have wasted enough of your time. 

So what else am I suppose to do? What other choice do I have? I do like I always do...put my head down and keep pushing forward. This has a lot to do with my astrological sign which is Aries which is symbolized by the Ram. Instead of a ram though I think of me more like a rhino because of one of my other nicknames that I got from a night of drinking with my sis (a night she wouldn’t let me forget...lol). So after falling on the ground because I was pretty fucking drunk. I decided I was going to knock over the box fan she had on the floor with my head. After I successfully did that I kept saying over and over “I’m the rhino... I’m the rhino”. That is what cheap whiskey will do to you. “quantity over quality” lol. I am the fucking rhino and you better watch out a stampede is coming to a town near you. 

Music like usual is a big part of helping me through this and lets just say I have been in John mayer land. He seems to be speaking the same language. So I do have a lot of what I need to help me hopefully get to where I want to be. It’s just trying to make my way back to where I want to go and focusing my energy. 

But there is definitely something missing... might actually be more than one... well at least from the list that Mr. John Mayer gives in this song that I have been listening to a lot.    

As always with love and pure d-lite. =)