Life Through Music: "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by The Rolling Stones

I am really trying to pull myself out of the little mess I created in my love life. I really am. I have reached out to those that support me by contacting all the tools in my complete health toolbox. I did this of course to keep me afloat and get me heading in the right direction with my life again. Luckily for me I have this drive in me that kicks in at some point and says,”Alright. Enough of the bullshit. I need to do something to change this.” So that is what I have been doing lately. I’m currently managing all the factors that “I” have control over in my life. What I have found when I looked at the situation is that there is quite a bit that I can control. 

During this movement of trying to kick my own heine back into gear the song I picked for this week came on. The song is from a band you might have heard of before called The Rolling Stones. The song is called “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” This seems to be the theme for my love life throughout my life up until this point. In my love life I have yet to feel like I ever get what I “want” and rarely I even get what I “need” when it comes to relationships for that matter. 

So, now starts the rebuilding process and the hardest part for me is trusting and having faith in what the universe has planned for me. I can say openly I have a “really” hard time trusting this part of the process. Even as I write about it I get this sick feeling in my stomach, but I know I have to do it. 

When you have a situation in your love life that just falls apart or just being rejected in general it’s always a painful process. It’s like an attack on your character and for myself I start reevaluating myself on many levels. In a way it’s a test of your character and how strong you hold true to who you are. For me it’s hard because I always try to turn it around on myself. Like what could I have done better? What about me wasn’t good enough? I have started to change that pattern and that way of thinking. In this latest case I have been trying to get myself to understand that it was much more about the other person than it was ever about me. There is two sides to every relationship and of course this is only my side of the story. I did play a part in allowing it to happen even though I knew deep down inside I shouldn’t have gone the route that I did. I’m getting better at listening to that voice of reason inside of me, but this is an example that tells me that I’m still not doing my best to listen to that voice.Then again I am human right?

Enough of all that stuff for now you don’t need to know the nitty gritty of all the work I’m doing with myself.  The point of all I have shared is that I am doing the work and trying my best. I will be okay and life will go on. Lets breath some light and love into this situation by allowing myself to heal. I will continue the self love regiment that I have started recently and keep myself busy so my mind doesn’t get trapped in the circle like I normally do. I will do what I feel is the best for me and overall I think that I’m good at taking care of myself and that brings me lots of comfort.

I am a great guy. I am worthy of great and wonderful love. I deserve the kind of loving relationship that I have always wanted. I will trust that I can find it and I will trust myself enough to follow my own instincts regarding such matters. 

To the lyrics!

"You Can't Always Get What You Want"

I saw her today at the reception

A glass of wine in her hand

I knew she would meet her connection

At her feet was a footloose man

No, you can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometime you find

You get what you need

I saw her today at the reception

A glass of wine in her hand

I knew she was gonna meet her connection

At her feet was a footloose man

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes well you might find

You get what you need

And I went down to the demonstration

To get my fair share of abuse

Singing, "We're gonna vent our frustration

If we don't we're gonna blow a 50-amp fuse"

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes well you just might find

You get what you need

I went down to the Chelsea drugstore

To get your prescription filled

I was standing in line with Mr. Jimmy

And man, did he look pretty ill

We decided that we would have a soda

My favorite flavor, cherry red

I sung my song to Mr. Jimmy

Yeah, and he said one word to me, and that was "dead"

I said to him

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you just might find

You get what you need

You get what you need--yeah, oh baby

I saw her today at the reception

In her glass was a bleeding man

She was practiced at the art of deception

Well I could tell by her blood-stained hands

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you just might find

You just might find

You get what you need

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you just might find

You just might find

You get what you need

(Really most of the lyrics don’t connect with me except for the chorus. For right now I’m trying to find what I need and that in turn should lead me to what I want at least one day that is.)

I really wish I could skip over the pain and the sadness that comes with this part of the process, but I can’t. I can however determine how long those two things last. So, on that note lets raise our glasses that our full of hope and positivity to make a toast. ‘Here is to happier days and to better opportunities in life.” Now drink in deeply and with this song blasting loud do your best Mick Jagger impression. If nothing else do a bit a dancing till you feel better because that is what I do. 

As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-Lite. = )

Life Through Music: "Dirty Dream Number Two" by Belle and Sebastian

I want to take a second to open up a bit about myself considering some recent developments that I connected to regarding Robin Williams. I want to open up even more than I already have over the course of this blog that I started many years ago. *takes a deep long breath* 

In the light of the recent passing of Robin Williams I think it has brought the attention to many issues that we don’t like to talk about or address in society. Even for myself and especially with my blog entries I try to stay away from the darkness and focus on the light in life. I don’t do it in a way to ignore it because I definitely know that the dark side of life is real and plays a role in life. I do it because I try to shine a beacon of hope and possibility to the good in life that lingers around us in life if we choose to see it. 

What you may not know about me is that I have struggled with depression on a very deep level during my life. There has been two times where that depression has been at a dangerous level for myself. Even as I embrace the very sensitive side of myself and also allow the rest of the world to see that side of me I’m playing a very dangerous game. The danger is from exposing that part of yourself to the world makes you extremely vulnerable. 

I made a decision a few years ago that I would allow myself to fully feel every emotion that I went through in life to the fullest. One of the biggest things that I did to insure that this happened was I decided to not use any drugs to check out. Which was easier for me to do than some because I really didn’t do many drugs in the first place. This also meant that I wouldn’t allow myself to change that course as I started to feel on a deeper level. So far that has held true for me which has made my life super great and very hard at times. This decision has been tested quite a few times for myself since I made the choice to be present at all times in life. Since making that choice I have had some really tough things I have had to go through that definitely made me question my choice. I have held strong on my choice even through these rough times and I’m very proud of myself for doing so because it sounds much easier than it really is. 

This isn’t just another blog entry about drugs and addiction because I have already talked about that before. I mentioned it because it plays a part in my story with how I deal with tough things in life and why it is very hard for me to handle difficult situations at times. This reminds me of a phrase that I have been using a lot lately which is, “Life is really hard and all of us are trying everyday to do the best that we can.” That statement is so very true and we need to remind ourselves of that as much as possible as we struggle through life so we don’t get pulled down into the darkness. 

I have always been a very sensitive person from as far back as I can remember. I remember as a very young kid absorbing all the pain and anger that came with my parent’s divorce. Which I know it’s typical for a kid going through a divorce, but I mean I absorbed some pretty intense emotions from each parent on a level that really bogged me down from a young age. This early exposure to intense emotions between my parents moved me to my first way of dealing with that heaviness which was I acted out. I got in fights with teachers through my early years of elementary school. Then in third grade when I finally got in big trouble I had to find a different way to deal with my emotions. This new way of dealing became going inward. My way to deal with the pain was I began to eat to deal. I literally stuffed everything inside and physically it started to show. I didn’t know of a better way and so that pattern continued till after high school and into my 20’s. During the ladder part of that time I did contemplate suicide. Thankfully for myself I didn’t fully lose myself enough to go through with it, but I understand now how someone gets to the point of making that decision. Depression can be a very paralyzing thing and often a very quiet danger that those around you can’t see. This is what makes it so hard to help those that are suffering from depression. 

With my first experience with suicide I just remembering how intense my emotions had gotten. Those intense feelings made me feel as though I really just needed the pain to stop. I know it sounds crazy to hear someone say that, but it’s really the point you get to in your head in your darkest moment. With my rational mind blocked off with these horrible thoughts death seemed like a very good option to take the suffering away. It wasn’t of course and I know now there is other ways to take the pain of depression away. 

In that first really dark moment for myself it was the people in my life like my mother, my sister, and my brother that came to mind that helped give me reason to not to end my life. Not everyone has that luxury to have good people in their lives to help them handle difficult situations like depression. Even worse than that is that having good people in your life isn’t always enough for you to find your way out. I feel truly blessed that, for me, having good people in my life was enough for me to pull myself up enough to stay out of the very bottom of the darkness I was in. These reasons also would come into play during my second darkest period of my life and continually help me to this day. 

The second time came after I had been emotionally drain beyond a healthy level and I almost lost myself again to depression. I had recently learned how to really love myself and I started to fill that love tank, that is within myself, up in a very healing and powerful way. I felt as though I had filled that love tank inside myself enough that it was overflowing so much that I could share without care. As a result I had to learn the hard way that I was giving what I thought as “extra” love out into the world to those that didn’t give any love back. This caused me to quickly drain my own love tank till I almost ran out. Somehow I found the strength to step away from the person I was with at the time that had been sucking most of that love out of me without reciprocating it back to me. Unfortunately by the time I stepped away from her I was already at a dangerous low level of emotional turmoil with myself. That is when with my self love was at an all time low all the darkness and negativity came creeping in very fast. There I was again in the same position I was many years before when I just wanted the pain and suffering to end. Even though I had been through this same kind of situation before the pain is so much that you start to lose the rational thoughts that would normally denounce thoughts about ending your life. So, for those that have never been through situation like this it is much more complex that someone just taking their own life.

I’m very blessed the reasons that stopped me the first time came to my rescued during my second darkest moment. When I reached out to my sister she was there in a heartbeat without question or judgement. She quickly proceeded to grab my hand and pulled. She didn’t pull me entirely out of the dark hole I had put myself in, but she didn’t let me fall any further in. Over the course of the months and years that followed that incident she continued to be behind me holding me up just enough to allow me to do the work I needed to heal myself and get better. My mother and my brother were not far behind. The three of them became my core and the thing that keeps me going to this day. 

I feel it is necessary to let this part out of me with the recent passing of Robin Williams and our now known battle with his own depression. It’s a very serious and real thing that we don’t talk about as much as we should. It’s a lot like how death isn’t talked about as much as it should be in our society.

I also felt it important to talk about it now because there has been much sadness and heartache going on in my life this year of 2014. From the loss of my mother, struggles at my job, trying to figure out my future, numerous failures in my love life, and the list goes on. 2014 has not been my year. It has been such a hard thing to manage anything this year let alone my emotions. Most days I’m really struggling even if I don’t look it. Part of me knows that much of my struggle is part of the grieving process, but so much of me is tired of the sadness. Some days I think what is really the point? Why am I even doing this? Why should I even bother? I am one of those people that every morning I have to find a reason to get out of bed. Somedays finding that reason is easier than others, but regardless every morning I ask that same question “Why am I showing up today?" I know I’m not the only one that does this every morning which makes me sad, but also it brings me comfort at the same time to know I’m not the only one. 

This is not to say there hasn’t been patches of happiness or good things that have happened in 2014 because there has been. Overall this year has been very hard for myself to function in a more upbeat and happy person that I know I can be. I’m trying everyday to make the best of it and keep my head up. 

This also leads me into one of the things that has helped me over the past few weeks. It’s the song I’m picking to represent the past couple of weeks for me instead of just this week. It’s a song by Belle and Sebastion called “Dirty Dream Number 2.” It’s a group that I listen to a lot to back in the early 2000s and just recently heard this song and it fit pretty well to how I feel these days. 

Lryics:

Dirty Dream Number Two

I'm lucky, I can open the door and I can walk down the street

(How quickly I forget that I’m very lucky to be able to do many simple things like opening up the door and walk outside. I get very caught up on the drama of the world and my own struggle that I forget the good things right in front of me.)

Unlucky, I've got no place to go and so I follow my feet
A choice is facing you, a healthy dose of pain
A choice is facing you as you stare through the rain
A choice is facing you but I choose to refrain for today
Tomorrow we'll be back in trouble again

(One foot after the other I will make it through the tough choices I have had to make.)

Dream one, you had a whole lot of fun with a comedian
Stop short of going all the way, you'll have to make it someday
Why is this happening to you, you're not a child
Why is this happening you're too much on your mind

(Why are these things happening to me I don’t know? One day I will make it all the way to where I want to be with many things in my life. If it will not be now it will be someday.)

Things creep up on you when you are fast asleep
You are dreaming, you are sleepy, you are stuck to the sheets

In a town so small there's no escaping you
In a town so small there's no escape from view
In a town so small there's nothing left to do

Dream two, you couldn't see her face, but you saw everything else
Dream two was pretty special, easily beats loving yourself
Could you put a name to someone else's sigh?
Could you put a face to someone else's eyes?
Is it someone that you'd maybe recognize?
But it all fades into morning when you open your eyes

( So often the things I wish were just dreams aren’t and the dreams I have about things I wish were real usually aren’t. I have to keep pressing forward and try not to lose hope.)

I can’t end this blog entry on a negative note so I will end with some thoughts of gratitude about my life so here are some important ones for me right now. 

I’m grateful to have a sister who truly loves me so much. 

I’m grateful to have so many great people (both family and friends) in my life that truly care about me on a deeper level. 

I’m grateful I have a body that although it has it’s issues, It’s actually in pretty decent shape from all the things that I have put it through already.

I’m grateful for being able to live at the magic cottage. 

I’m grateful to know what love is.

I’m grateful to have woken up this morning.

I’m grateful for having a good job with great coworkers.

I’m grateful to have others to bring me up when I’m feeling down.

I’m grateful for laughter. For my ability to make others laugh and for those that make me laugh.

I’m grateful to have good food to keep a healthy body. 

I’m grateful that I’m still here today with the opportunity to make today a good day. 

As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = )

Life Through Music:”Before Your Time” by Krista Herring

Well, it finally happened...

You never know when exactly certain songs will connect with you. I have had my friend Krista’s new music for quite some time now, but it wasn’t till this week that I really connected to one of her songs. This is not to say that I haven’t enjoyed her music from the get go, but to really connect with a song for me sometimes it takes some time. 

It was on the drive to Sauvie Island with my sister yesterday when it happened. At some point during our drive I took over the music being played. I plugged in my iphone and just allowed my music library to play music on shuffle. I play music on shuffle most of the time when listening to music these days because I find it better to let the songs come to me rather than me trying to pick certain songs. 

First, my phone had blessed us with a few classic songs that we both like to hear in the summertime. Then the moment came when my phone played the song I picked for my song of the week. The song is titled “Before Your Time”. This song is written and sang by the lovely Krista Herring whom I have written about before (http://just-pure-d-lite.blogspot.com/2013/10/life-through-music-free-by-krista.html). The song I picked is from her newest collection of songs that came from her Kickstarter project from awhile back. A project that I happily pledged support for. 

I wish I had taken a picture looking out the sunroof of my sister’s car as we took the scenic route from the westside of Portland out to north Portland and beyond. Along the winding road of skyline we were so wonderfully tucked below the canopy of the lush green trees that are so well known in the Pacific Northwest. With a balance of forest green, sky blue, and a dash of sunshine to brighten all that was around us it created a moment to allow this song right into my heart. 

Let us look more closely at the lyrics to help explain this moment to you. 

“Before YourTime” by Krista Herring

We're all finding our way home 

Sometimes we feel so alone 

What's the right road 

We don't know 

All I know 

Is love will get us there 

(What a great way to open the song up. How true is this first part of the song. I know that it rings true for my heart.)

So, don't you hide those pretty eyes 

When the storm clouds cross the sky 

(Yes, I cannot allow these eyes of mine to hide no matter how hard the struggle gets.)

Get on those horses, babe, and ride 

So they don't call you back home 

Before Your Time 

The tide goes out 

Don't be afraid 

It always comes back in again 

It's the beauty of the end 

In the emptiness 

Is where new life begins 

(I’m so impressed with how in tune this woman is. How true. One ending is another beginning. Be patient.)

So, don't you hide those pretty eyes 

When the storm clouds cross the sky 

Get on those horses, babe, and ride 

So they don't call you back home 

Before Your Time 

We all fall beneath the weight of the world 

But it ain't easy making diamonds and pearls 

(Yes, it is not easy, but so worth the effort.)

So, open up those pretty eyes 

You make the sun shine when you smile 

(This part was really hooked me and brought tears of joy to my eyes and a smile to my face. Yes, your smile is greater than you know. Smile more. Do whatever brings that out into the world because lord knows we need more of it. = ) )

Get on those horses, babe, and ride 

So they don't call you back home 

Before Your Time

So that’s it peeps. Get on that horse and keep riding. We can keep the love alive for all of us. 

I encourage anyone who hasn’t heard Krista Herring’s music to seriously go check it out. Here is a link if you don’t know where to find her (http://www.kristaherring.com). She is one of us. Take a listen and breath it in. Love is all around us. 

As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = )

Life Through Music: "You Make the World Go Round" by DJ Cassidy

It’s been a very emotional and weird week for me. Such a week that I don’t even think I have the right words to put together to help explain what it is that I mean by saying that. All I know is we had the super moon going on this week and boy did it effect me. So instead of digging too deep this week I wanted to pick a song that has been a bright spot for me over the last few weeks. Something a bit more up tempo and that is a bit more fun if you will. In a way the song I picked is kind of a pep-talk for myself during this whirl wind of change that has been going on in my life. It’s a song that really helps me remember that I have an affect on others by doing the things I do and keeping the positivity going for the rest of the world. In essence you (Derrick Heine) help the world go round.

Speaking of making the world go round thats exactly what the song I picked for this week talks about. The song is conveniently titled “You Make the World Go Round” by DJ Cassidy and is featuring R. Kelly. This song has a great dance feel to it that from the moment I heard it I was hooked. The music video has some beautiful strings to open up the song to get your attention, but trust me when DJ Cassidy hits play on the small boombox your ears are hit with a fantastic dance track that is far from the slow string intro it begins with. A dance track that I love very much and have already listen to many times since I found it. So lets get right at it shall we? To the lyrics we go!

“You Make the World Go Round” by DJ Cassidy

Featuring R.Kelly

When I'm going through, you seem to know just what to say

To turn it all around and put a smile a smile right on my face

To me you are a blessing and I sure appreciate

How you change negative to positive and brighten up my day

(I sure hope that I do that for anyone that reads my words. I try to put a positive spin on anything that I write about or in life in general.)

And we never argued, I can't lose my will to carry on

I just look at you 'cause you give me the reason to be strong

If it wasn't for you, I just don't know where I would be

So tonight I'm gonna celebrate your love for me

(You know what? Yes, let us celebrate love tonight or today because we don’t celebrate it enough.)

Because

It's people like you

That make the world go round

Oh yes, it is

It's people like you

That make the world go round

Make it go round, and round, and round

(Not just me. I’m looking at you too. There is a reason you are here reading my words so you must be making the world go round too.)

Whenever I was cold, you knew just how to keep me warm

And you were my shelter in the middle of my storm

And whenever the mountains came crumbling down on me

There you were out of nowhere to lift me and set me free

And whenever I thought that I could not go any more

Girl, you came into my life and you opened up more doors

And now I don't have to look no more for women when it comes to love

‘Cause girl, you are a gift sent down to me from up above

Because

It's people like you

That make the world go round

It's people like you

That make the world go round

It's all I can find

Someone truly, truly real

A soul so divine

The love should not be based on color

Girl, take my hand

And tonight we’re gonna show the whole wide world how to dance

(Love is the truth. Lets show the world how to dance to that rhythm.)

Let it blow

(Love the trombone solo. Such a sucker for some good horn music in a song.)

You feel good, I feel good

So hot

We're gonna step around the world tonight and step into the light

It goes 1, 2, 3

(If you aren’t grooving to this song by this point then there is something wrong in your life.)

Step step step step to the side

Step to the left, and step to the right

Step step step step to the side

Step all night, and step to the light

Step step step step to the side

Step to the left, and step to the right

Step step step step to the side

Step all night, and step to the light

(I like the thought of stepping into the light. Lets brighten up this world!)

Step step step round and round

We gonna step all night to the funky sound

Step step round and round

We gonna step all night till the roof comes down

Step step round and round

We gonna step all night to the funky sound

Step step round and round

We gonna step all night till the roof comes down

Because

It's people like you

That make the world go round

Oh yes, it is

It's people like you

That make the world go round

Make it go round, and round, and round

(Yes, People like you.)

It's all I can find

Someone truly, truly real

A soul so divine

A love should not be based on color

Girl, take my hand

And tonight we’re gonna show the whole wide world how to dance

Party people

If you wanna keep the world going round and round now

Sing it now

Round and round, we go

Round and round, we go

Round and round, we go

(Thats right people lets keep this world going round and round.)

I hope that you enjoyed this song as much as I did or maybe you have another song that you have been listening to that does the same thing for you or maybe you have another avenue that inspires you. Regardless we got to keep the positivity going people. 

As always I send this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = )

Life Through Music: “Sailing” by Christopher Cross

It’s funny to me how a song that I have heard many times over the years can still seem different. I have talked about music doing this to me before and I will probably never get over this kind of thing happening because it’s what I really love about music. 

One of the other songs I listen to many times during the month of June, besides last week’s song of the week, was this wonderful soft jam by Christopher Cross called “Sailing”. Some call his style of music “Yacht Rock” which I find hilarious, but I love the song anyway. The song I picked from him represents part of a new me that has come around recently. 

I don’t know if it was because of the process of me lightening the load (that is my life) last month so I could preparing to move out of the place I lived in for the last 5 years. Maybe it was the repercussions of just me changing my focus in life quite a bit since my mother passed on. Well, it’s probably been a combination of both and its setting me up for a much different path that I have ever thought myself to go down. That is the thing I have learned with the loss of my mother is that I have no idea what is next and because of that I have spent less time trying to figure that out.

I really have tried less to plan life out and instead find more peace with riding the flow of life. That is why I connected to this song so much recently because it has the similar sense of flow to it that matches how I have been feeling in 2014. Like a grain of sand blowing in the wind I am. 

I’m not a sailor by any means because quite frankly the deep ocean creeps me out, but something about being on the front of a ship with nothing more than the wind and sun on my face sounds so wonderful to me. That feeling of having a magnitude of openness that is right in front of me with the feeling I can go anywhere.

To be able to feel the openness and the unknown that life gives you in every moment of our lives. I feel my soul lifting just a bit more. This new found freedom is such a breath of fresh air. I need more of this. This feeling is the one thing that I will strive to get more of for the rest of my life. 

I have no idea what is around the next corner and for me there is some peace in that. The possibilities are so abundant and waiting. If the wind is right....

Lyrics:

"Sailing"

Well, it's not far down to paradise, at least it's not for me

And if the wind is right you can sail away and find tranquility

Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see

Believe me

(It is simpler and simpler for me to feel like I’m in paradise these days. To really appreciate what is here right now instead of what I think should be. If you want you can come along and find your peace as well. I believe. Do you?)

It's not far to never-never land, no reason to pretend

And if the wind is right you can find the joy of innocence again

Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see

Believe me

(Sure I could wish and hope to go back to the good times all I want, but it’s more important to create more of what I miss from those past moments into the present.)

Sailing takes me away to where I've always heard it could be

Just a dream and the wind to carry me

And soon I will be free

(It’s more than a dream. I will be free.)

Fantasy, it gets the best of me

When I'm sailing

All caught up in the reverie, every word is a symphony

Won't you believe me?

Sailing takes me away to where I've always heard it could be

Just a dream and the wind to carry me

And soon I will be free

(The peace and joy that I have heard many talk of is possible and the winds of change are washing over me to show me that it is real.) 

Well it's not far back to sanity, at least it's not for me

And if the wind is right you can sail away and find serenity

Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see

Believe me

Sailing takes me away to where I've always heard it could be

Just a dream and the wind to carry me

And soon I will be free

(Free)

Life is an open canvas...what will you paint next?

Thanks for coming along this journey with me. As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. =)