Although It may seem that there is a lot that I tell the world through this blog. There is much that I keep to myself. There is definitely a method to my madness. Almost everything in my life has a reason. Down to things in my house and how I arrange things in my life. One thing that I know confuses people about me is some of my thoughts and choices on certain things. One of those choices is why I steer away from alcohol more and more as I get older. I have steered away from trying to make the world do as I do a long time ago. I can only control what I do, but there are some good reasons to why I have kind of a hate towards alcohol. One big one that I am going to get into for the first time publicly in this blog entry is something very dear to me.
I don’t remember exactly when it was...that I fell for her. In my younger years I never paid as much attention to time and dates as I do now. I refused to wear a watch for a long time because of that. I know this time in my life when things started happening between her and I was very close to when my father died. So that would put it around 2003 to 2004. She worked at the Bakery next to the coffee shop I worked at for so many years. I remember going over to get sandwiches and soup from the bakery. Every time I would talk with her a little more and more each time I visited. I cannot lie that I wasn’t watching her pass by my drive thru window to take out the garbage to the dumpster that our two jobs shared. Now to explain how weird this next part of the story was for me I actually have to explain how I was in the early 2000s. To be quite blunt I was NOTHING like I am now. I had low self esteem and definitely not enough confidence to approach any woman...let alone this woman. To make a move on this beautiful woman that worked next door to was not like me at all. Overtime it just kept advancing like it was out of my hands. Eventually, I got her number.... I think I was so shocked I don’t even remember how I did it. It was a huge step for me back then. My celebration was cut short when trying to call her I got just a voicemail and no response back for days. I asked the other bakery girls next door were she was when I noticed she wasn’t at work either. They kind of got little weird, but eventually one of them told me she had been checked into rehab. I was blown away. I really didn’t know what to think. I had no idea that something like that was going on or what was really going on at all. So what did I do? Well, being the person I am I wanted to help. I called again and left a message telling her that I had heard what happened, but to still call me back. She did finally get a hold of me from the pay phone at rehab. We talked a lot and I remember making her laugh...oh how that made me so happy. Here she was going through something so hard and I touched her. For a brief moment I brought some joy into her life. That was a remarkable feeling. She told me years later how much that really meant to her. Writing about it now I realize how much it meant to both of us. Our chats continued while she was in rehab whenever we could. She finally got out and our talking didn’t really stop at all. It actually got worse a lot worse. We talked quite a bit and hung out one day after she got out. Although our day hanging out was very weird. I spent the day just ogling over her and how wonderful and beautiful she was. While she was busy mentally walking herself through her days before rehab as we walked through her old apartment were she spent the last days with her last ex that break broke up with her not that long before. She also kind of went through and talked about some of her earlier days of drinking. Things progressed very quickly between us we started texting so much that even thinking back about how much I text her it was crazy. Easily thousands of texts in a month. We did get somewhat serious and dated for two weeks about. I still tell her it really never counted though, but just as fast as it started it also ended. She relapsed and fell back into her disease. I lost her and that would only be the first time...for our connection had only just begun. It got messy because we worked so close together and all the people we knew between us. I don’t really want to go into all of what happened, but it wasn’t good. I got my heart stomped on and totally crushed in many mean ways. From her just saying mean things while drunk to sleeping with coworkers of mine. So after a long time I tried to move on. It was very tough. Even in the short time that we got to know each other and talk to each other there was already a long list of songs that got stuck to my memories of her or us. It was very much the same way for her she told me years later. Like they always say the only thing that heals a break up is time. A long time went by, but I must admit she never left my memory.
Over the next few years we shared a random e-mail or two. See I have this thing about clearing the air with all the women I have been with. So at some point my exes and I find each other to say our sorries if you will. With her and I we did it more than once. I think part of my heart really just couldn’t let go. So we went back and forth for years. Every time would start off friendly and eventually she would start drinking again and then that was the end of it...or until the next time we would try again. One time she actually text me from the bar...*RED FLAG GOES UP* ... what is wrong with this picture? I remember saying something to her about it right of the bat. She blew it off and like a sucker I went a long. Ha, I have learned so much since then. Then next time after that I went looking for her on myspace. Who am I kidding... I had her page saved on my favorites so no searching was needed. lol One time checking it I got blown away. Form pictures she posted I figured out that she had recently given birth to her wonderful daughter Serenity. I didn’t even know what to say... I remember that I just sent an e-mail with one word “Wow...”. The response I got was not very nice because (in here defense) our routine break up from the time before got very heated and I said some very mean things. So after reading her very defensive response to my confusing e-mail. I wrote her a nicer e-mail back. To some it up I told her I was actually very happy for her. Having her daughter might be the only way for her to really get help and make it stick. Deep down I was hurt. Her having a kid with another man was a permanent thing that reminded me that she had been with someone else and not with me. It was a tough pill to swallow. Again a reconnection that started out trying to be friendly ended again because there is no way that I could ever be “just friends” with her no matter how much we tried to fool ourselves. Years went by and still it went back and forth. You couldn’t not deny the chemistry and connection between us, but she continued to live in here disease, battling the thought of breaking up her daughters family with her dad, and she ended up taking on much of her father’s disease who is also an alcoholic as well. Then there is all the damage he did to her through his disease as well which just piled on to her own struggles with her disease. It’s such a horrible cycle they get stuck into were the guilt of what they have done through there disease pushes them right back into it. There I was in her life always just on the outskirts of a person battling alcohol. This is how it always seemed to go. This back and forth thing has gone on for the last 7 years in between relationships I have had. Although we have in many ways gotten close to being with each other over the years during each one of these “reconnection periods” through many of the steps she has taken in her life. In the end it fails and I always take back seat to a drug that destroys a woman that I love and enjoyed so much when sober. I guess it’s the person I am... I can see the greatness in so many. It’s hard for me to just accept that some people may never see the wonderfulness and Beauty within themselves as sad as that maybe.
So the main reason that I talked openly about this part of my life is a few reasons. She taught me so much about alcoholism. Alcoholism is a real thing people, it destroys good people and the people around them. I cannot even imagine how tough it is to have an addiction and I sympathize with their struggle. It’s not just as easy as just stopping. Some people don’t have the power to say when to stop. I also learned that there is nothing I can do to fix it. The work they have to do is their own, but I can support a healthy positive lifestyle by promoting life in a way that move them away from there disease. I also learned that just because they are an alcoholic doesn’t mean that is all they are. When she was sober there is so many great things about her and as she continues to get sober she will start to find herself and all the good that there is within her.
So back to how I started this blog entry. There is a strong hate that I have for alcohol because it has always kept me away from a woman that I truly love. Last time we talked she was working hard at going through the 12 steps program. This time for herself and here daughter. Hearing her say those words “I am doing this for myself and for my daughter” is nothing short of just awesome to me, so wonderful, and so important for her and her beautiful daughter. I really do hope she does stay sober the rest of her life, for both of their sakes. For one day finding out that she has stayed clean and has a normal life with her daughter might lift the pain of my heart that has been caused between us for not being able to be together...at least a little I hope. Till then I promote being alcohol free which I have done for many long periods in my life already. Being alcohol free also helps me continue to make progress on the path I am on for my health currently. For every time I drink I feel like I am taking so many steps backwards. I understand not all of you will feel the same way as I. For I understand that most people find drinking a very causal thing. The problem is alcohol is too excess-able in our society and makes it hard for people trying to get help. It’s everywhere and getting away from it is not as easy as it sounds. Especially when people don’t take the problem seriously. Some people feel they need it to relax or in my opinion to be themselves. For many people like being around me when I am drunk. They think I’m funny and so much fun to be around. Well, I have been working on being just as fun to be around without alcohol. You say it can’t be done well I disagree. I think we all should take a stab at letting ourselves be ourselves without anything else just the wonderful energy that makes you...you. Some people use it like other drugs to check out and numb themselves from the pain that this world and life puts us through. Well, I am a feeler and I choose to feel all the emotions. All the bad and all the good. That also is not as easy as it sounds. I was talking to the woman I mentioned in this entry about that very topic. She mentioned many times of how when she is sober its very tough because she has to relearn how to deal with all that life throws at her. I told her I know it sucks to feel all those sad and hard times, but to miss out on all the good times as well is not worth it. Lucky for her, her daughter is still very young and she is getting a grip on her life at the right time. Because I know several people who are very effected by what their parents did to them through alcoholism and drugs in general. Please all you parents out there remember what you do effects your kids more than you may realize. Don’t get it confused it’s not about being perfect it’s about making that extra effort and respecting your kids and just everyone in your life. Things like alcoholism doesn’t just effect the person going through it. It effects everyone that person comes in contact with. Life is a gift...every day is a “present” (pun intended lol) so let us not waste any of it. Live life to the fullest and everyday like your last.
This is her daughter Serenity. I actually got to meet her just a few times. She is just the cutest little girl I have ever known and now I see that she is a blessing for her mom. Because how could you not want to be a better person for that beautiful and wonderful little girl smiling right back at you? I know I would. =)
As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-lite. =)
Awesome
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