Life Through Music: "Dirty Dream Number Two" by Belle and Sebastian

I want to take a second to open up a bit about myself considering some recent developments that I connected to regarding Robin Williams. I want to open up even more than I already have over the course of this blog that I started many years ago. *takes a deep long breath* 

In the light of the recent passing of Robin Williams I think it has brought the attention to many issues that we don’t like to talk about or address in society. Even for myself and especially with my blog entries I try to stay away from the darkness and focus on the light in life. I don’t do it in a way to ignore it because I definitely know that the dark side of life is real and plays a role in life. I do it because I try to shine a beacon of hope and possibility to the good in life that lingers around us in life if we choose to see it. 

What you may not know about me is that I have struggled with depression on a very deep level during my life. There has been two times where that depression has been at a dangerous level for myself. Even as I embrace the very sensitive side of myself and also allow the rest of the world to see that side of me I’m playing a very dangerous game. The danger is from exposing that part of yourself to the world makes you extremely vulnerable. 

I made a decision a few years ago that I would allow myself to fully feel every emotion that I went through in life to the fullest. One of the biggest things that I did to insure that this happened was I decided to not use any drugs to check out. Which was easier for me to do than some because I really didn’t do many drugs in the first place. This also meant that I wouldn’t allow myself to change that course as I started to feel on a deeper level. So far that has held true for me which has made my life super great and very hard at times. This decision has been tested quite a few times for myself since I made the choice to be present at all times in life. Since making that choice I have had some really tough things I have had to go through that definitely made me question my choice. I have held strong on my choice even through these rough times and I’m very proud of myself for doing so because it sounds much easier than it really is. 

This isn’t just another blog entry about drugs and addiction because I have already talked about that before. I mentioned it because it plays a part in my story with how I deal with tough things in life and why it is very hard for me to handle difficult situations at times. This reminds me of a phrase that I have been using a lot lately which is, “Life is really hard and all of us are trying everyday to do the best that we can.” That statement is so very true and we need to remind ourselves of that as much as possible as we struggle through life so we don’t get pulled down into the darkness. 

I have always been a very sensitive person from as far back as I can remember. I remember as a very young kid absorbing all the pain and anger that came with my parent’s divorce. Which I know it’s typical for a kid going through a divorce, but I mean I absorbed some pretty intense emotions from each parent on a level that really bogged me down from a young age. This early exposure to intense emotions between my parents moved me to my first way of dealing with that heaviness which was I acted out. I got in fights with teachers through my early years of elementary school. Then in third grade when I finally got in big trouble I had to find a different way to deal with my emotions. This new way of dealing became going inward. My way to deal with the pain was I began to eat to deal. I literally stuffed everything inside and physically it started to show. I didn’t know of a better way and so that pattern continued till after high school and into my 20’s. During the ladder part of that time I did contemplate suicide. Thankfully for myself I didn’t fully lose myself enough to go through with it, but I understand now how someone gets to the point of making that decision. Depression can be a very paralyzing thing and often a very quiet danger that those around you can’t see. This is what makes it so hard to help those that are suffering from depression. 

With my first experience with suicide I just remembering how intense my emotions had gotten. Those intense feelings made me feel as though I really just needed the pain to stop. I know it sounds crazy to hear someone say that, but it’s really the point you get to in your head in your darkest moment. With my rational mind blocked off with these horrible thoughts death seemed like a very good option to take the suffering away. It wasn’t of course and I know now there is other ways to take the pain of depression away. 

In that first really dark moment for myself it was the people in my life like my mother, my sister, and my brother that came to mind that helped give me reason to not to end my life. Not everyone has that luxury to have good people in their lives to help them handle difficult situations like depression. Even worse than that is that having good people in your life isn’t always enough for you to find your way out. I feel truly blessed that, for me, having good people in my life was enough for me to pull myself up enough to stay out of the very bottom of the darkness I was in. These reasons also would come into play during my second darkest period of my life and continually help me to this day. 

The second time came after I had been emotionally drain beyond a healthy level and I almost lost myself again to depression. I had recently learned how to really love myself and I started to fill that love tank, that is within myself, up in a very healing and powerful way. I felt as though I had filled that love tank inside myself enough that it was overflowing so much that I could share without care. As a result I had to learn the hard way that I was giving what I thought as “extra” love out into the world to those that didn’t give any love back. This caused me to quickly drain my own love tank till I almost ran out. Somehow I found the strength to step away from the person I was with at the time that had been sucking most of that love out of me without reciprocating it back to me. Unfortunately by the time I stepped away from her I was already at a dangerous low level of emotional turmoil with myself. That is when with my self love was at an all time low all the darkness and negativity came creeping in very fast. There I was again in the same position I was many years before when I just wanted the pain and suffering to end. Even though I had been through this same kind of situation before the pain is so much that you start to lose the rational thoughts that would normally denounce thoughts about ending your life. So, for those that have never been through situation like this it is much more complex that someone just taking their own life.

I’m very blessed the reasons that stopped me the first time came to my rescued during my second darkest moment. When I reached out to my sister she was there in a heartbeat without question or judgement. She quickly proceeded to grab my hand and pulled. She didn’t pull me entirely out of the dark hole I had put myself in, but she didn’t let me fall any further in. Over the course of the months and years that followed that incident she continued to be behind me holding me up just enough to allow me to do the work I needed to heal myself and get better. My mother and my brother were not far behind. The three of them became my core and the thing that keeps me going to this day. 

I feel it is necessary to let this part out of me with the recent passing of Robin Williams and our now known battle with his own depression. It’s a very serious and real thing that we don’t talk about as much as we should. It’s a lot like how death isn’t talked about as much as it should be in our society.

I also felt it important to talk about it now because there has been much sadness and heartache going on in my life this year of 2014. From the loss of my mother, struggles at my job, trying to figure out my future, numerous failures in my love life, and the list goes on. 2014 has not been my year. It has been such a hard thing to manage anything this year let alone my emotions. Most days I’m really struggling even if I don’t look it. Part of me knows that much of my struggle is part of the grieving process, but so much of me is tired of the sadness. Some days I think what is really the point? Why am I even doing this? Why should I even bother? I am one of those people that every morning I have to find a reason to get out of bed. Somedays finding that reason is easier than others, but regardless every morning I ask that same question “Why am I showing up today?" I know I’m not the only one that does this every morning which makes me sad, but also it brings me comfort at the same time to know I’m not the only one. 

This is not to say there hasn’t been patches of happiness or good things that have happened in 2014 because there has been. Overall this year has been very hard for myself to function in a more upbeat and happy person that I know I can be. I’m trying everyday to make the best of it and keep my head up. 

This also leads me into one of the things that has helped me over the past few weeks. It’s the song I’m picking to represent the past couple of weeks for me instead of just this week. It’s a song by Belle and Sebastion called “Dirty Dream Number 2.” It’s a group that I listen to a lot to back in the early 2000s and just recently heard this song and it fit pretty well to how I feel these days. 

Lryics:

Dirty Dream Number Two

I'm lucky, I can open the door and I can walk down the street

(How quickly I forget that I’m very lucky to be able to do many simple things like opening up the door and walk outside. I get very caught up on the drama of the world and my own struggle that I forget the good things right in front of me.)

Unlucky, I've got no place to go and so I follow my feet
A choice is facing you, a healthy dose of pain
A choice is facing you as you stare through the rain
A choice is facing you but I choose to refrain for today
Tomorrow we'll be back in trouble again

(One foot after the other I will make it through the tough choices I have had to make.)

Dream one, you had a whole lot of fun with a comedian
Stop short of going all the way, you'll have to make it someday
Why is this happening to you, you're not a child
Why is this happening you're too much on your mind

(Why are these things happening to me I don’t know? One day I will make it all the way to where I want to be with many things in my life. If it will not be now it will be someday.)

Things creep up on you when you are fast asleep
You are dreaming, you are sleepy, you are stuck to the sheets

In a town so small there's no escaping you
In a town so small there's no escape from view
In a town so small there's nothing left to do

Dream two, you couldn't see her face, but you saw everything else
Dream two was pretty special, easily beats loving yourself
Could you put a name to someone else's sigh?
Could you put a face to someone else's eyes?
Is it someone that you'd maybe recognize?
But it all fades into morning when you open your eyes

( So often the things I wish were just dreams aren’t and the dreams I have about things I wish were real usually aren’t. I have to keep pressing forward and try not to lose hope.)

I can’t end this blog entry on a negative note so I will end with some thoughts of gratitude about my life so here are some important ones for me right now. 

I’m grateful to have a sister who truly loves me so much. 

I’m grateful to have so many great people (both family and friends) in my life that truly care about me on a deeper level. 

I’m grateful I have a body that although it has it’s issues, It’s actually in pretty decent shape from all the things that I have put it through already.

I’m grateful for being able to live at the magic cottage. 

I’m grateful to know what love is.

I’m grateful to have woken up this morning.

I’m grateful for having a good job with great coworkers.

I’m grateful to have others to bring me up when I’m feeling down.

I’m grateful for laughter. For my ability to make others laugh and for those that make me laugh.

I’m grateful to have good food to keep a healthy body. 

I’m grateful that I’m still here today with the opportunity to make today a good day. 

As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = )