I’m still in a swirl of great music coming into my life, but this week I need to address some music that I have reintroduced into my life recently. We all know how bad breakups can be and how much music can attach to past relationships through memories. Well, in cleansing myself of my toxic situation with Laura I took all the music out of my life from a band I love so much to help with the process. This was very hard to do, but I knew if I was really going to pull away I would have to take it to the next level. The band that I’m referring to is Coldplay. This band for many years held a lot of meaning to Laura and I. That is until recently.
For some reason recently I was reminded of the free live album that Coldplay gave away for free to download from there website back in 2008. They called the album “LeftRightLeftRightLeft” and it was a collection of live recordings of some of their more popular songs. Its an awesome experience to listen to the live concert versions of the songs and feel like you’re actually there at the concert. My sister and I would listen to this often when driving places together. So, I went on a frantic search to find if it was still available online. No go, but then I remember I had backed it up on my external hard drive from my old PC. Sure enough... I looked and there it was. I immediately made a back up cd of this album. Then I put that cd in my cd player on repeat for quite awhile as I worked on homework.
It was a great way to test the waters with myself and see if I was ready to listen to Coldplay again. I definitely was and I started falling in love with the songs all over again with a different light. Sure memories came up, but there is no longer any pain attached to those memories. My light is so much brighter now.
So, lets get more specific of the details regarding Laura and Coldplay. One song that sums our situation in one song and its the song “Fix You”. This is one of two songs that I’m actually going to pic for this week. When listening to it recently I couldn’t help but smile and dance as I absorbed the song again. This song finally no longer holds me to those memories. The song “Fix You” has been exactly what I tried to do for 9 years with Laura as she battles her addiction. No longer. I have washed my hands of this.
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
(You have to let go of the failure so that I can move out of reverse.)
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
(Yes, it could have been much worse)
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
(I stopped trying to fix you and started fixing myself.)
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
(Oh how blinded we can get when that kind of love is in the picture.)
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
(YES! Oh and I know what I’m worth now.)
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
( oh I have learned from my mistakes.)
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
( I have started to fix me and my light is shining so bright)
Am I so sure? Is something you would probably ask me. Yes, and I will tell you why I know that I have. Laura finally tried to contact me a few nights ago. I was very surprised to see a text message on my phone from her to be honest. It took me awhile to really understand how I was going to deal with this. The text she sent was the same text that she has sent me periodically for the last 9 year. A text that said basically 90 days clean and I’m looking for your forgiveness. I probably shouldn’t have even text back, but then I thought I’m not afraid of this anymore. In fact I feel its necessary to really go as direct as possible to this situation. I’m no longer messing around. Derrick Heine don’t play no games. I’m so much different than how I was even when we talked last which to be honest I don’t even remember when we stopped.
I won’t go into all that was said, but I made sure she knows a few things that she didn’t know before she text me. One, is that I’m done with anything between us at any level. Two, I forgave her awhile ago. Three, more importantly I forgave myself. Four, that I’m not really the same person she knew. By that I mean I’m more confident, happier, loving, and brighter than she has ever known. Five, that we aren’t any good for each other in anyway. Which leads me to the other song I wanted to pick for this week and that is “Ex-factor” by Lauryn Hill. I heard this song the day after she tried to contact me and it just fit at so many levels of the stupid mess that we have been doing to each other for far to long.
"Ex-Factor"
It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
(these are the words that hit me and made me pick this song as well for this week.)
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
(I did love her a lot and cared even more for her than she ever did me, but as for being the one that will always have loved her the most. No, I don’t think like that. If she does the work one day she could have love that everyone deserves to have. Just not from me. )
Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
( this is basically how I felt about her trying to text me and do this stupid game we have done. So over it. )
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
[Hook:]
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
(Yes, I have grow much and I know why it doesn’t work and never did.)
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
( Yes ,she did every time.)
This is crazy
This is crazy
(Yes, it was crazy and stupid. You live and you learn.)
I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
(Wrong. I can and will.)
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will
(Oh here is the meat of the song. Yes, just let go because I let go long time ago. There has been a lot of hurt, but just let it go. It does no good to either of us to hold on to it.
Let go. )
[Repeat Hook]
Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me
There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me
Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me
Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me
[Repeat]
(To all the lyrics that end with “me” I say “No longer”.)
I will no longer take on the toxic feelings of sadness and regret that comes along every time we reconnect.
Overall message: She will be ok and so will I.
I don’t always want to drag my readers through this horrible mess, but I’m not the only person that has gone through things like this. There is always lessons to be learned and I have learned much from other peoples situations as well. This for me is to really put it out there to the universe that I have done the work and I’m moving on. I hope you take something from my struggles or it at the very least keeps you from creating messes like this one in your own life. I have to speak as honest as I can so this is where my head was this week, but it’s moving out of it and on to better things. Happiness is where I am now and plan to stay there. I have spent too much of my life away from happiness. I have worked hard to clear those things that keep me from happiness and so I deserve the joy I have found. You cannot dim my light or take the smile from this face.
As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-lite. = )
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