Summer Vacation Part 2... =)

Previously on the path of pure d-lite....

...I wrote about my short trip to Washington to see my Aunt and my cousins that I had not seen in almost 2 decades. On part two of my Summer Vacation of 2011 I will be talking about the more reflective part of my vacation. 

A little over a decade ago things were a lot different for me. I was staying with my buddy and his parents to finish out my senior year in high school. Why was I staying at my buddy’s parents house instead of my own mothers house? Well, do to my mothers divorce she had to sell the house I had lived in for 15 some years. Don’t worry I am not going to go into all that. The point of me bringing this up is being thrown into that position I was living with another family I actually became part of another family. I often refer to the Jackman family as my second family. They have done so much for me. From the moment I became friends with Mike in sixth grade to current day. How does this tie into my vacation you might ask? Well, after staying almost 2 years after graduating high school and having to move on from living with the Jackmans because Doug (Mike’s father) got a job up north in Seattle. All the Jackmans have moved up north eventually from Oregon. Mike being the last one to leave Oregon. So for the second part of my 10 days off from work my glorious “Summer Vacation” I made arrangements to go see some of the Jackmans. I talked with J’anne (Mike’s mother) and Mike to see if they would be available to see me for a few days before the last part of my vacation that was near where they lived. Of course I did this months in advance and they were both very excited to see me. So Sunday early evening is when I got back from my Aunt’s and Monday morning 9am I took the first Amtrak train to Seattle. As many of you now from reading my past blogs or watching my train video know that I love riding the train very much. It’s the closest thing I have to spending a day with my father. It was a very easy and wonderful trip up to Seattle. The weather was the best it has been for me when riding the train up to Seattle. I arrived around noon. There at the train station waiting for me was Mike and his girlfriend Sylvia. We then proceeded to head back to the Seattle area suburbs to meet up with J’anne for some lunch. Now I am not going to give you a detailed description on what happened for those 4 days. I will tell you what I got out of it. 

First off, the best thing I got out of these 4 days was sleep.... I know that sounds silly, but it was amazing too get a full nights sleep. To wake up when the body was ready to wake...not when it was obligated to wake up. I had plans to meet up with Mike and Sylvia everyday I was there, but there was no rush on when that was to happen. We also really didn’t have an exact plan either of what we were to do together. Normally that would bother me, but my life has been very busy of late and it was nice to let go of that. 

Second, Being able to have long chats with Mike and J’anne over the course of those few days. Especially J’anne. Her and I got in a few long conversations like we normally do when staying at her house. It is very engaging to talk with her. She is a Sagittarius and again like my Aunt I love that energy. My sister is as well and there is a lot about the connection that does well for me. There is nothing we don’t talk about. There is no judgement. It’s just two people having a good old fashioned conversation. That I truly missed. J’anne and I when I lived with her on many days would sit in their family room playing Tetris and talking about anything that came to mind for hours. I am very thankful to have her in my life. She gave me a wonderful place to stay and relax. A home away from home if you will. This visit was not my first mind you. She helped me come up for last years Superbowl that was not to long after my bike accident. It was very sweet of her and it was awesome to get way from everything even for a few days. I also came up for my birthday few years ago when I started this blog. I even wrote a few early entries in my blog while up there.

Also, while staying with J’anne I got to see both of her wonderful cats. One is named Scrawny butt and the other is named Balrog. They are both very sweet cats. I was surprised this time around when visiting them that when taking my stuff upstairs I was greeted by both of them. Normally Scrawny butt takes some time to warm up to me.  This time around she did not shy away at all. Balrog never has a problem he loooooooves the attention. He makes me smile. He is such a loving cat. He greeted me every morning I was there. Always wanting to be involved with whatever it was that I was doing. I have a funny pic of him trying to get on my lap when I was working at my computer. He only got half way on my lap and seems just fine with what he got. Just a very affectionate cat and it’s hard not to want to pet him.

Scrawny Butt greeting me upstairs

Balrog on the table before I told him to get down

So cute. =)

Balrog a.ka. the bathroom Gargoyle...lol

Balrog trying to get on my lap while I was working on my laptop

Balrog on the bed waiting for me to get started for the day

Finally, I got to spend some time with Mike and Sylvia and the family. Mainly the two youngest girls. Sammy and Jessy. They are pretty close in age. I don’t remember exactly, but I want to say about a year apart or maybe a little bit more. They are a perfect combination for each other. Sammy is a chatter box and Jessy (the older one) is a bit more quiet, but she is very intelligent when she speaks and usually fills in the blanks for Sammy as she is rambling away. One night I sat with Sammy and tried to help her with her Madagascar 2 video game. She was too cute. She did much of it herself I was very impressed. All why she was talking away too mind you. For the most part we just talked, played cards, played some video games, and watch the movie Inception which I hadn’t seen yet. It was some just good old fashioned hanging out with friends. 

Looking back over the whole vacation something that I did think a lot about while I was hanging out with them is that I was definitely the third wheel. I spent much of time thinking about that over my vacation in general actually. Just the fact that lately I have been playing the third wheel a lot when out with friends or doing things with others. It has been weighting on me a lot lately. Nothing against any of the couples that I have hung out with they haven’t done anything really to make me feel that way it just is what is right now. It has not been a good thing for me these days when I have been very lonely and struggling with being single. The last day I was there I was talking to J’anne about it. It helped a little, but honestly it’s not something that will just fix itself. I will just say I am working on it. Some things are out of my hands. I just have to push forward and continue to make the best me that I can be. I long for the days to have a special person of my own to share my life with. Till then I love where I am and were I am pushing myself to. I must continue to focus on the parts of life that I can control because we all are blessed with this gift called life. Enjoy it because it is NOT forever. =)

As usual I give you this with love and pure D-lite. =)

Too be continued....

Can I please go to Grandma's house? =)

As the years pass there are many things I think about more than I ever use to. Sometimes thoughts come to me over time or all at once. One of the things that I think about a lot lately is my Grandma Heine. I didn’t realize till recently how much she had an impact on me and who I am today. Before I get ahead of my self let me start from the beginning of this realization. 

It was 2006 at the end of November. I woke up not feeling well. Just one of those not quite flu like sicknesses, but rather more just felt off and not physically up to par for the day. I laid on the couch all day watching movies. I don’t even really remember which ones I watched. I remember it being gross outside, a typical Oregon fall day cloudy and gray. I remember it getting dark early that day as well. I think it was around 4 or 5 in the afternoon my sister came home from work. Which was weird at that time because she usually got off after 7 at night. She walked in and found me on the couch and asked if I was ok. I told her that I had called into work. She then asked me if I had heard what had happened that day. I remember giving her a confused look and I said no. She then told me that my Grandma Pauline Heine had past away that day. I really didn’t know what to say. It definitely wasn’t the impact that my fathers death had on me. I remember thinking how it seemed fitting to add to my already horrible day. The other reason I wasn’t so bothered at the time is that she had been battling cancer that last year and a half. She had been in lots of pain. I went to see her a few weeks before and I knew as I hugged her on the front porch of her house that would be the last time I hugged her. After that she became increasingly ill very quickly. So for her sake I think that first day my reaction was actually a sigh of relief. She felt no more pain and she got to see my father again finally. She was never the same after his death nor was my grandfather and with good reason really. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to lose a child. I hope I never find out. They say when someone dies you never lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces. My grandma’s death was another example of how true that is. That brings me to why I’m writing this blog. Because although I didn’t see my Grandma very often when I was younger because of visitation. I am definitely finding that she left me with more of herself than I ever thought before her death. 

My grandma and my sister Paula. One of the few pics I have of
my grandmother since she didn't like us to take pictures of her. 

On my visits to my fathers house every other weekend I really did try to get to my grandma’s house as much as possible. It wasn’t just because I wanted to take a break from my father. It was a lot more entertaining to be at grandma’s house. Besides her feeding me home cooked food and she always had treats of some sort like a good grandma should. There was more at work. There is all sorts of memories I tie into my relationship with my grandma. Some of the memories are as small as I remember I learned how to cut a banana with a butter knife when she put banana slices on my cereal in the morning. There was many funny little memories too like her threat to spank us when us kids got out of hand by saying “I’m going to thunder gust” lol What does that even mean? Regardless the threat was enough for us kids. I only remember her following through once and it wasn’t that bad. For me it was more about not letting my grandma down. The memories of her singing a long to the real oldies of her generation playing on her old am radio on Sunny 910 for those of you that live in Portland back in the day know what I am talking about. The Memories of her watching reruns of Lawrence Welk like every episode was brand new. She had a beautiful voice. Every time I sew on a button or when I see someone sew. She was an incredible at sewing things. She definitely passed that skill on to her only daughter and even rubbed off on my sister as well. I still have a quilt she made that I love dearly. I also do things in the kitchen that remind me of her. Like my stock pile of old plastic containers that I keep around. I remember my grandmother kept every plastic container she got probably all the way back to when they first moved into the house my grandfather built for them in 1952. Even down to yogurt containers even the ones without a lid. I also keep twist ties and rubber-bands around when I get them like she use to. I have peanut butter that is similar to her big jar of Adam’s peanut butter with the oil sitting on top. 

I lost the pics I had of while I was making it,
but this was the end result. It doesn't look like
 much, but it's SO GOOD! 

But the biggest thing that really made me think about her was recently I got some free raspberries. My grandma had lots of raspberry bushes in her backyard and so in between just eating them straight off the bushes or eating her famous raspberry freezer jam those free raspberries took me right back to my grandma. I got inspire to make some of my own freezer jam. Oh and I did let me tell you. I even put my own spin on it because I don’t have her recipe. I used an alternative sugar source as well. It turned out so good and one bite of that jam on top of a waffle took me right back to my grandma’s kitchen. Ten years ago I would not have thought that I would be a cook like I am now. I am not the best cook out there, but like my grandma I have a desire to make good food and share with others. She never went to cooking school. She learned the hard way. She learned from doing it everyday for over 50 years. She cooked regularly for her four children and one really picky husband. That is what really inspires me to keep learning. To always try to do it myself. Because much of my generation is becoming lazy. Somehow I feel I have her over my shoulder helping me figure it out as I go so that always helps me. I to have the desire to cook for my wife and children if I have any or maybe just as an uncle. I think of all the wonderful dishes she made for us. Her famous potatoes in the morning, her special noodle dish she would make for me, and her famous Santa cookies she made every holiday. The list could go on for years. I think of her often when cooking and it would be interesting to have some conversations with her now about all my gluten free and dairy free cooking I do. 

Now I don’t want to say my grandma wasn’t without faults. She left us with many issues with our own body imagine with her constantly getting on us about our weight. Most of which she picked up from my own grandfather. There are other things as well, but that is not what I want to get into. I’m writing this blog to appreciate the good things my grandmother left me with. This is a blog about thanks for the unconditional love she gave us kids and all the hard work she did through out her life. When I am cleaning my house I think of her as well. Especially when mopping my floors I have a distinct memory of her on her hands and knees scrubbing the floors. Being a housewife is a lot of work and not as easy as it seems. It inspires me to make sure my wife never does all the work. That a man can step up and put in work too. Thank you Grandma I love you and miss you dearly. I wish more than anything to make you a meal for once and treat you like the wonderful lady that you were underneath all the politics. Till we meet again for another hug I keep you in my heart a bushel and a peck. I will pass on as much as I can to the generation below me. 

As always with love and pure D-lite. =)

Your Grandson =) 

Oh yes...it's that time again...

I almost wrote an entry about the changing of the seasons last week when I had my early morning shift at work and it definitely felt like a fall morning. I had to wear a sweat shirt and gloves (and still was quite cold) to make it to work on my short bike ride. I didn’t write it then because half way through the day it cleared up and acted like summer again. Thats exactly how our summer has been in Oregon...back and forth. Today was definitely different...fall stayed around the whole day. Oh the changing of the seasons. Normally I would be a bit more excited about the fall in Oregon. It is in fact very very nice here in Oregon when the ending of another year comes around. There is only two reasons why I am a little bitter this time. 

Reason one: I feel like I was robbed a actual summer here in Oregon. Now I know that the rest of the country was having “too much summer”, but for me I like having summer to be actually like summer. Even though we did have some pretty hot days throughout  the summer it was never steady warm summer days and quite frankly it was damn right too cold most of the summer. Plus June was completely wiped of the summer forecast. 

Second reason: Well this one is kind of an on going reason. Each year I get older time flies by faster and faster. Us old folks say it all the time. As kids I just thought the old folks were just crazy... turns out they still are, but they also are right. As a kid the summer seemed endless almost. Three whole months off of our only responsibility as a kid which was going to school. Oh those were the days. 

But enough about me crying like a baby about the summer lost. Fall brings great things. As I opened the blinds to my back door and then opened the sliding glass door to get a good full breath of fall...*taste a deep breath*... which is most definitely on its way. Those short and cold days are making there way here. Usually summer holds on till at least the third week of September here in Oregon. This year is definitely the exception. This early taste of fall has me peering at my book shelves at the 30,000 books I haven’t finish because I can’t read...*tear*. Ok well maybe not the last part....lol. Thinking about cold walks through the neighborhoods watching the the leaves change color over the next couple of months. Fall is an interesting season. It’s usually a time for much reflection for me. So I am sure there will be many blog entries to come. Also lots of movie watching and snuggling *wink wink*, video gaming playing, and football watching.  Oh and let us not forget the beginning of the holiday seasons. Everyone that works in retail just rolled their eyes...lol. Oh come on there is lots of fun to be had. I need to start putting my Halloween costume together. Well now...I just finished having some pot roast with my sister. It was very D-licious... and a wonderful way to kick off the early fall season. 

Next I need to get a pumpkin spice candle and...


OH! and don't forget that we get an hour back soon... more sleep good. lol

With love and pure D-lite. =)

And remember... before you know it... It will be Groundhogs Day...lol. 

Maybe that is why they call it the G-spot...

Well, it’s the world cup time again and as I’m watching as many games as I can. Which because the time difference between here on the West coast of the united states and that of south Africa is quite different. I have had much time to learn to enjoy the sport though that is play around the globe. It’s the universal language throughout the world. It’s kinda of a big deal...well maybe not as much here in the united states, but that is starting to change. Watching this world cup really got me really thinking ... why is it I like to watch soccer so much? I use to think it was boring... it takes forever to score, it’s a lot of exercise, and they celebrate the goals for like FOR... EVER! lol

Well, it must be part of me becoming the old man that I am...lol, but that has changed. 

If you think about those reasons I stated above there is a common theme between futbol and another thing that is a universal in this world. It is also quite a big deal to most of us. If you haven’t already guess it I am talking about sex. Now I can’t speak for all of us, but for me this is how I made the connection between these two things. As I have stated before in past blog about the average time a guy can hold out before scoring that ever so wonderful goal....lol. Well for me sex should be played a lot like soccer and here is why. 

If you work at sex the right way to me it should be an event not just a small block of time in you schedule. It should take some work to get to that G-spot and get that goal. Because those orgasms/goals that you work hard to get are always better and enough to celebrate as much as running to the corner of the field and have your whole team pile on you. For you women I am very jealous I read a fact the other day that the average female orgasm last 25 seconds. Well celebration on the soccer field can be a bit longer than that, but that’s ok. Both are something that should be soaked in and celebrated. Now if you have a good match between to great teams.... there might be many shots on goal, but you might go in at halftime 0-0. That’s ok though. Both teams take a step back and rethink there strategy and come out in the second half more determined. Now lets say there is an early score...(like in most USA world cup games this year..lol) That’s ok to it happens sometimes....(lets just not let it happen all the time gentlemen lol) that should only spark the other team to pick it up. In sex the perfect score is in fact a draw, but more of the 1-1 and beyond type. Though there will be times when neither team can seem to make any head way in the way of scoring. Well both can live to try again soon... hopefully very soon. lol For me it’s all about the counter attack. Either getting very close one side of the field and it sparking the other team to head down the field and score! Or maybe one team finally hits that goal and the other team takes right down the field and answers right back. That’s what I am talking about. lol ;-)

The biggest thing though that made me think about this (other than I’m fucking crazy) is the anticipation of getting that goal. The crowd goes wild when the ball makes it close to the penalty box. Well, in my experience the closer you get the climax the more the crazy sex can get. You can hear the suspense on the soccer field with the blowing of the vuvuzelas. Can’t speak for everyone, but sex can get crazy....lol and you know what it should be! Let loose... scream till you lose your voice... fuck the neighbors...lol. Get those goals! Till you hit that G-spot! 

I’m crazy and random. That’s what I love about myself the most. =)

With love, D-lite =)

P.S. Go Germany!!!

"You're such a great guy...."

First off I want to state that I appreciate all those who give me wonderful compliments and make me feel like the great guy that I am. No REALLY thank you! =) I also want to state that I am in no way perfect by any means, but I do think that I have turned out to be a pretty darn good catch. 

Ok, now that I have that out of the way. There is a topic of conversation that I want to have out loud (meaning outside of my head...lol) with all those who still read this blog.  Which I am pretty sure that I proof read my blog WAY more than it actually gets read by others...lol. =p (which doesn't mean much since I miss typos and grammar issues all the time still lol)This topic has been in my head since I was old enough to know that cooties don’t exist, but more importantly this last decade. So my issue is that situation I always get into involving the opposite sex and my pursuit of finding someone to share my life with. 

If I had a dime for every time I have heard that classic, even epic, and just down right frustrating line “You’re such a great guy....” Well let me tell you...I wouldn’t be here I would be laying next to the pacific ocean 3,000 miles from here in Maui at one of my many homes. Retired at  the age of 17, but alas in my stupidity I have not been charging  to hear that dreaded line all this time. Like I said at the beginning of this entry I know everyone means well. You however don’t know how much that one line haunts me. 

It’s like someone telling you that you one the lottery, but you never receive the money. Over and over they call and say YOU WON! Oh man what are you going to do with all that money? What’s the first thing that you're going to by? Are you going to continue to work at New Seasons? (lol.... yeah I am sure you could figure out that answer) After I start giving my answers to the woman on the phone... it disconnects. I just hear dial tone...fuck. Words only go so far. 

I would also like to say my drive to lose weight is not because I am trying to get laid so to speak. It most definitely is because I am very concerned of my health and want to put myself in better position to live a long healthy life. Granted it does make me look a bit more attractive and desirable... that I won’t even try to lie about. ;-) I have heard a lot of talk by some of those women in my life that are surprised to find out that I am single... yeah well ladies I am too. Was even told that I am the cats meow just recently. That’s just all fine and dandy isn’t it kids, but it’s definitely a big check that can’t be cashed. Some would say “Woman are trouble anyways” Well that might be a little true, but it hasn’t stopped me yet.  

So what seems to be the problem? You might ask. Well I will take responsibility for a few things. I am very picky on what I am looking for. Before you make it up in your mind that I am talking about “She has to be 5’6”,  green eyes, size -11, with huge tits.(although that doesn’t sound too bad...lol Well except for the size “-11” part anyway...lol) It actually has to do way more with the actually person themselves not their physical self. There is quite a few things I need specifically from someone that is with me. Those of you that know me know I have to be with someone that eats similar or understand and helps me with my fucked up diet restrictions. Someone that will help and support me on my path and not pull me away from my goals. But yes, I must be attracted to someone, but am way more attracted to someone who has more depth to them. She could be hot as hell, but if all she talks about is old episodes of the OC all the time who cares. Ok I am getting side tracked. Basically I am trying to say I am not shallow and the person I am with won't be either. The other reason is I don’t really make myself available to meet new opportunities. That has to do with the old man I am now and current schedule dealing with my path to a better me. Bars have never been my thing... I don’t have a lot of time for outside activities that may lead to having some sort of connection with a ladie. So you’re probably thinking well how are you going to have time to be with someone? Well I definitely have time here and there and my days off that I allow myself to do what I want. So definitely someone that has their own life going on, but can squeeze in time with someone else here and there. I have posted a lot of and talked about Mr. John Mayer of late. It’s kinda been my thing lately and seems to speak the most to me. I have always been very transparent how I am feeling by the music I listen to. So if you ever see me post stuff here or on Facebook. 95% of the time it is very much in tune with how I am feeling. So listen closely if you really want to know what is going on with me. Be afraid! Be very afraid!!! lol 

I was just having a talk with a good friend and my sister not too long ago about the fact I have never been approached by a girl just randomly or by someone outside my circle. I have usually initiated the connection. I am aware of women that have liked me as well and I don’t want to say that I haven’t gotten looks in my direction. What’s a few nibbles on the line if you aren’t catching any fish. (That last line is funny because I hate fish lol.) It’s the 2000’s now ladies. Step up to the plate too! Some of you that know me might know of a certain situation between an old flame of mine and me. For a moment I thought it might be that girl to actually step up and approach me, but I fear that too is not what it seems. The window is not quite closed, but I definitely am not sitting by the window anymore. 

Oh I know what your going to say.... the same thing that has been said over the course of history. “Oh well you haven’t found the right girl yet” or “Oh it will happen when you least expect it too.”  Don’t worry I have heard them all... more than once.

So hear is my question to you. They say it will happen when you least expect it too, but how long do you wait for that unexpected moment to happen? When do you make a move and push back at the universe? 

Ok well I will leave you with my current feeling with where I am right now. Who better to explain my situation than none other than... YOU GUESS IT! Mr. John Mayer! Enjoy! 

With love D-lite. =)      

Thoughts from beside the campfire....

I have made a fire just outside of my cave tonight because the stars and the moon are just too beautiful to miss. I have had so much time to think while living in my cave... so many thoughts I really need to get them out and off my head... don’t really care what happens to them after that...lol. So here we go...

Why have I turned inward and disappeared into this dark cave that I have been in for quite sometime now? Well it’s complicated. Just like when people ask me “how I’m doing these days?” This is my chance to try to fix that or at least give you an idea of how I feel. I talked a bit of some of my struggles on my last blog... but this time I will go a bit further...

Like a lot of people I know and work with. We all are getting older and older and having the same thought of what the fuck am I doing with my life? How did I end up here?  How do I get out of here? What do I really want to do with my life? As I am listening to the song by Coldplay “Glass of water” and the lyric that stands out to me is “They say you can see you future inside a glass of water”. I wish it was that easy...I really do. There're people out there that just know what they want to do and they are good at it and they just make it happen. I am not one of those people... 

One of the things I like to do is ask people “What did you want to be when you were a little kid?”. It’s very interesting what answers you get. I often think of what happened that got us off the path of getting to those things we once dreamt of being? For me I wanted to be a pilot for the longest time. I must have watched Top Gun a billion times and any other movie that had to do with fighter pilots. My grandma even use to “tape” (yes we are talking VCR days..lol) the show on the discovery channel called “Wings”...I believe it was called. I was so set on being a pilot...well other than I was a bit over the weight limit. It wasn’t till the day I climbed the Astoria Column in Astoria on the tip of northwest Oregon along the coast. http://www.astoriaoregon.com/astoria_column.shtml When I got to the top of the astro collum I realized that I was afraid of heights. Kinda hard to be a pilot when you don’t want to be up in the air. lol I still am fascinated about all of that kind of stuff. I still have been know to watch some old VHS tapes I still have that my grandma gave me. My brother and I watched them a few years ago. I also caught part of Top Gun while at the gym working out a few months ago. I use to know that movie line for line. 

Anyways... I am getting distracted and off target. I feel like a failure. I feel like I am not going where I want to go or that I really am going to get stuck where I am. I have stopped a lot of what I thought I wanted to do and got so excited about since the beginning of the year. Because what is so special about me? Who is really going to pay attention to my life? Past my wonderful friends that are reading this right now. I really do appreciate each one of you, but I want to do some of this stuff as a job. So there is that... which is a big part of what has been getting me down. All I seem to be doing right is working on my health. Which I am making progress thank god for that. Don’t get me wrong I am not trying to sound ungrateful that is still a huge priority of mine and will be the rest of my life, but what else is there? I am almost 30... not getting any younger... even started getting gray hairs... quite a bit too...=(. I mean I live by myself paying a rent that is almost $700. I have to work full time to keep up with everything. I thought about every possible way of trying to find money for school. So I can actually learn to write and spell. So Amy will stop making fun of me. =P

On the other hand I feel so selfish. I think about other people in this world that don’t even have half the things I do. From my job to what I own. I mean think about those people in china that work in the factories that make iphones or the mac that I am using right now. They make $160... A MONTH. Oh and that is an increase because one of them just DIED?!?!? Can you imagine living off of $160? I mean granted cost of living is probably quite a bit lower in china... but still and that isn’t for someone that works just 20 or 30 hours a week or even 40 hours a week. These people that are working shifts in 30+ hours straight at a time. There are plenty of people in other countries were it’s normal for them to just grow up and work. They don’t get the liberty of thinking about college or even hobbies. 

So here I am bitching about not being in college learning to be something special or that I don’t have enough time to play video games. That makes me feel like a piece of shit a big pile of steaming dog shit! (oh there it is that old damn sailor me...lol). So either way I have been feeling down lately. Some of it is I have been feeling very lonely... long before I put myself in this cave mind you. My love life or the lack there of... My money woes... which I am slowly making my way through. I could keep going all day, but I have wasted enough of your time. 

So what else am I suppose to do? What other choice do I have? I do like I always do...put my head down and keep pushing forward. This has a lot to do with my astrological sign which is Aries which is symbolized by the Ram. Instead of a ram though I think of me more like a rhino because of one of my other nicknames that I got from a night of drinking with my sis (a night she wouldn’t let me forget...lol). So after falling on the ground because I was pretty fucking drunk. I decided I was going to knock over the box fan she had on the floor with my head. After I successfully did that I kept saying over and over “I’m the rhino... I’m the rhino”. That is what cheap whiskey will do to you. “quantity over quality” lol. I am the fucking rhino and you better watch out a stampede is coming to a town near you. 

Music like usual is a big part of helping me through this and lets just say I have been in John mayer land. He seems to be speaking the same language. So I do have a lot of what I need to help me hopefully get to where I want to be. It’s just trying to make my way back to where I want to go and focusing my energy. 

But there is definitely something missing... might actually be more than one... well at least from the list that Mr. John Mayer gives in this song that I have been listening to a lot.    

As always with love and pure d-lite. =)

Everyday is a struggle...

I constantly have to tell myself I am on the right path and I am making progress in the right direction. There are however, many times I struggle. Most of you may not even notice or think that I do. I am very good at hiding certain things. The exception being those that are very close to me. Lucky for me my doctor has become one of those people. It's actually very good that she is... because lately I have been very fucking frustrated/irritated. So much so my last monthly meet with my doctor was a big bitching session on all the god damn shit I have been going through. She knew from the moment I walk through the door and she asked how I was doing. To which I replied "it's going.." I let it all out and she listened patiently and answered my ass ton of questions. Helped reenforced my path and all the work I am doing. Gave me some more help and continued pushing me in the right direction. I left still frustrated, but with quite a bit more hope and some validation. Most people that see my progress on the outside don't have a clue to the struggle within. It's not easy to go down this road. A road that has a lot of reward, but takes a lot of work to get the rewards. This is my body we are talking about though so it's the highest work you can do. BUT GOD DAMN IT... it's hard. Reading labels on everything which is hard because I have said before that I can’t read... speaking of which watching me type a blog out is actually probably quite funny looking *imagine me just looking around while both of my hands are violently stroking the keyboard stopping only to hit post on blogger* which = my blog entries or a big pile a dog shit whatever you feel like calling it..lol.

My frustration with my current path is... It's getting harder and harder. I am spending more and more time at the gym, more time prepping food, and actually getting the right amount of sleep. It's frustrating because I have very little time for myself or to share myself with others. I know when I get where I want to go with this path I'm on it will be easier to maintain when I get there. Somedays it's hard to remember that. When I am sweating like a fucking pig at the gym or when I fall asleep at my computer waking up at early hours of the am in my computer chair (which isn't even close to the comfort of my wonderful fucking kingsize bed!) pissed of at myself because I keep trying to push the limit with myself. I know what your thinking... Kingsize bed for a single guy... Oh fuck yeah! Why the fuck not! Jesus Derrick what's with the potty mouth... You know what  

sometimes it's just the right thing to say. It's like that song..."Just call me sailor... In the morning... My potty mouth is all I need..." I think that's how it goes... Or at least it should. Oh I am too much! 

Anyways... I appreciate all of you that support me and even  all those that don't understand exactly what it is I am doing, but love me for loving myself. Please don't take it the wrong way when I turn down wonderful gifts you try to give me that are of the eating type. I also appreciate those that go out of there way to make it work like my sister, Amy the pastry master, Michelle my bell, and even Laura for giving me and excellent gluten free and dairy free dinning experience. There are many more I sure I haven't named, BUT THANK YOU! Remember don't take be sorry if you make a mistake and I catch it. It's not your job to make sure I follow this path it's my job. I got to push on... Everyday fucking day...

With love from your potty mouth and d-liteful sailor... =)

Time for fucking bed... Only have to be up in 6 hrs... Oops... Lol