life Through Music: "Man I Use to Be" by K-OS

Alrighty! Back at it again. This song that has been playing in my head recently over the last few months. I heard this song many times over the last two and half years. Unfortunately with the death of my mother there was also the death of another person. That person was the man I use to be.

Many people that I know have heard me say that right before my mother’s death I truly was the best that I had ever been as a human being. Her death derailed me in the worse way possible as I have already discussed in other blog entries. What I want to talk about more in this post is the fact of what a death of someone really close to you can truly do to the person that you are.

I keep saying I want so bad to get back to that place in which I was before my mother died, but guess what? You can’t. The bad news is that the person that I was will never exist because my life is not the same as it was. The death of my mother was the marking of the beginning to a big chapter in my life in which now I'm parent-less. God willing most of you won’t know this feeling until you are much older.

I have no parents to lean on when I need them. I no longer have the cheerleaders that parents can be in your life always. Family time during the holiday season gets very different from it was in the past. There is no longer that unconditional love in the real world now that they have both passed on. It’s the struggle to figure out a new relationship with those people now that they are in a different form. Instead of saying goodbye its trying to find a new way to say hello.

Over the last two and half years I have had struggled with my attempts to get back to that happy, healthy, and truly loving life person that I was prior to my mother’s death. It’s really been such an up and down battle. At one moment I would make such progress and then the next I would be set back quite a few steps.

What has finally helped me make more progress in the right direction is one big revelation about how I must live now. What I have come to really embrace is that statement above that the person that I have been chasing is unattainable. What I have done instead is focused on what I felt at that time before my mother’s death and try to duplicate the parts of myself that I loved in the new lens from who I am now to who I’m becoming.

What are some of those things? Well, having a purpose to get out of bed every morning is a great start. The ability to truly seeing the world around me from the little things to the extremely large things. To acknowledge the ugliness and the beauty that is life. To be truly thankful for my life. To appreciate what I have and work towards things that I need, want, and dream of that will truly add to my life. To really pay attention to what I chose to have in my life and let go of things that no longer serve me. What is more important is giving more energy to what adds to my life. TO FEEL GOOD IN MY BODY. That one is so very important to me and prior to my mother’s death it had become such a part of the person that I am. My parents death’s have really made the idea of do the things that you want to do because life is so short. The abilities to find the positives in all possibilities life gives us. These are some of the ideals that I hold on to these days as I move closer and closer to getting back to the man I am.

So the song of the week is that of one of my favorite hip hop artist mostly for his ealier body of music. The song that I picked is “Man I Use to Be” by K-OS (which stands for Knowledge Of Self) from his second album titled “Joyful Rebellion.” Most of my connection to this song is from the lyric from the title & chorus which is “Man I use to be”, but lets go to the lyrics anyway and see what we can find.

“Man I Use to Be” by K-OS

 
I tried it, I couldn't find it
Now I just want to get back to me
Awe baby, hoo hoo
Back into the man I used to be


(I did try and continue to try.)

Things that I said I wouldn't do, I did 'em
Secrets below the service of truth I hid 'em

(I have been very lost over the last few years and so I tried many things to try to help. Many things I said I wouldn’t do.)


This mankind is past, but can he erase
The tears of a million years is human race
Of animals, that taught to walk upright
Then slave all day and fall in a trance at night
Flowing the planet, trying to find missing links
Like the men we used to be and always suppose to think
Mysteries, maybe not
It's getting hot, we better configure the plot, but
I hold a pen with the grip so tight
That' a squeeze the ink out'ta the page, and write a song for the people
Came up from the underground, now I write above on a hovercraft sound
This microphone, like an amphetamine
Keeping me clean, speaking in dreams
So nature can intervene, just for a scene


(The days when I use to write in this blog more often help me so much to remain me.)

I walk the long path alone, my feet hurt
Lost some friends along the way, I did dirt
I went to church, I tried everything
From leaving my body, to watching the birds sing
For hours, so I could feel heavenly powers
Had been across the universe and inside of flowers
But what is it worth, I'm still just a man on the earth

(I’m not alone, but I have walked much of my path alone trying many things. I haven’t lost some friends, but the fiends I have now do change. I looked inside and outside myself, but in the end I’m just a man.)


Rappers are acting like man tan
Can I be candid, I can't stand it
Rap bandit, got Kheaven acting frantic
I want to swing my sword decapitate
But what is a man if he acts like an ape
So I sit back, planning my great escape
Load up my EPS and peruse my record crate
The man I used to be, I can only see by looking beyond me
So what is reality, I don't know

I walk the long path alone, my feet hurt
Lost some friends along the way, I did dirt
I went to church, I tried everything
From leaving my body, to watching the birds sing
For hours, so I could feel heavenly powers
Had been across the universe and inside of flowers
But what is it worth, I'm still just a man on the earth
Rappers are acting like man tan
Can I be candid, I can't stand it
Rap bandit, got Kheaven acting frantic
I want to swing my sword decapitate
But what is a man if he acts like an ape
So I sit back, planning my great escape
Load up my EPS and peruse my record crate
The man I used to be, I can only see by looking beyond me
So what is reality, I don't know


Oops, wrong song, stop it stop it
You know what
I woke up in the morning
I took a trip to the corner store
That's when I heard my calling
But I'd never heard the voice of truth before
So I kept on walking
Pretended I didn't see
Walked by a window and my reflection said to me
You could try all the same
But you'll never know this mystery
There's no pile on your plane
So you're not the man you used to be
Try all the game, but you'll never know this mystery
When your pile has no plane
Said you're the man you used to be seen

(I love this part of the song. At the end of the song it goes into Kevin (K-os) singin over an acoustic guistar. You can try all the same [of trying to be the person I was],but you’ll never know this mystery [life])

 
Holla and ya holla, you folla you fall
Ya holler and ya holla, you folla you fall
Ya holler and ya holla, you folla you fall
Ya holler and ya holla, you folla you fall
Ya holler and ya holla, you folla you fall
Ya holler and ya holla, you folla you fall
Yo, microphones get ripped holding us back
K dash rocking it out, rocking the cold style
Making it up, go along singing my song
Woke up, in the early morn didn't know what was going on
Whatever, I don't really know
Flows like an immaculate goat what up, whatever

One step and one day at a time I find my way to where I must go now and who I shall become. Slowly I get in touch with my inner self. Slowly I get reconnected to this body I’m lucky enough to have on my trip through life. I make more progress on building new dreams, new views, and new ways of being me. It is in my opinion the highest work that a person can do while on the planet. 

I hope you are doing the same for yourself and hope life is going well. 

As always I bring this to you with much love and pure D-lite. = )

Life Through Music: "Turn It Around" by The Head and The Heart

September 25th of 2016 is coming to a close and this is my last day of freedom for a long while. It is this moment in my life that I choose to start again. It’s been so long that most of 2016 has come and went at this point. Crazy how fast the year can go by. The good news is that I have really been doing things instead of writing. As important as writing is to me I made a conscious decision going into this year that I was going to go out into the world with more gusto than I have had over the last few years. I planned on doing things that I love to do that make me, me. On top of that I made an effort to try some new things as well in efforts to shake things up and explore new doorways with new possibilities. This effort was most predominantly shown during my summer break from school. So many of the entries that come after this entry will most likely come from that period of the year. So on that note lets get started!

There is so much music I have heard both new and old since the year began that I want to share with my readers. This collection of music has been swirling around in my head for too long so it’s time to get some of it out of my head and into my blog. The song that I picked for this week is from a band that is definitely in heavy rotation during the fall months for myself especially. There is something about this band's warm and heartfelt music that makes my autumns lovely. I usually pick their song called “Winter’s Song” as my song to usher in the season of fall. This time I’m going with a song that is much more up beat and gives me a boost of inspiration. Now who doesn’t want to get inspired right?

This week’s song is called “Turn It Around” by The Head and The Heart. This song is from their newest album called Signs Of Light that came out earlier this month. I spent much time previewing the album before I bought it, but the song "Turn It Around" really made me buy the album. It is just one of those songs that fits right into where I am right now. It also has that vibe to help me move forward in the positive direction I have been. I have played this song many times since I got it and as loud as I can when I do. If you have ever felt like you have gone too far in the wrong direction please don’t ever give up. Let’s turn it around.

Lyrics:

"Turn It Around"

Stand proud, stand strong
And allow the love and help that comes along
You know the richest man didn't build his house alone
The greatest lessons I learned, I learned right here at home

You know the feeling I'm talking about
Every woman and man without a doubt
You're down but not out

You can turn it around, turn it around
There's nobody blocking your way, taking you down
And if you think that you're lost, you can follow the bridges you've crossed
And then you'll be found

Stand proud, stand strong
And allow the love and help that comes along
You know without your love the light divides alone
Lessons I learned right here at home

You know the feeling I'm talking about
Every woman and man without a doubt
You're down but not out

You can turn it around, turn it around
There's nobody blocking your way, taking you down
And if you think that you're lost, you can follow the bridges you've crossed
And then you'll be found

You know the feeling I'm talking about
Every woman and man's been down and out
But you can turn it around
You can turn it around
You can turn it around
You can turn it around

Yeah you can turn it around, turn it around
There's nobody blocking your way, taking you down
And if you think that you're lost, you can follow the bridges you've crossed
And if you think that you have lost all the version of feeling you saw
Just turn it around
You can turn it around
You can turn it around
You can turn it around

I think the words of the song say it all and so I felt no need to interject my own commentary into the lyrics for it all means so much to me currently. I myself have made much progress from the many set backs of late, but I still need to keep pushing forward. So join me and stand all, stand proud as we turn it all around.

Summer technically ended few days ago, but today is truly my last day of summer before I start up school again tomorrow. And oh what a summer day it was. I truly couldn't have asked for a better summer day. I spent it in the company of one of my best friends and his family. There was even a walk at dusk with my best friend and his youngest son that I won't soon forget. Life is a a crazy thing sometimes both with it's ups and downs.

As always I bring this to you with much love and pure D-lite. Take good care of yourselves. =) 

Life Through Music: “Last Hope” by Paramore

I have been trying to get myself to sit down and write this entry for a while now. I guess I have been spending my time out doing things instead of sitting here in front of my computer writing about my own pity party. That being said the time has come to open up and move forward. As always I will move through it with words because there is some importance to what I have to say about these last few years in my life. So take a moment and let’s reflect together because I know I'm not the only one who has been here. 

We have all been there haven’t we? Things like getting you’re heart smashed, losing a job, losing a loved one, some good old family drama, or a million other things that life throws at you that knock you off course or puts you in the dumps.

Well, the end of last year was a wonderful mixture of a few things that dragged me down quite a bit. So much so that in a weird sort of way made me hit bottom and got me to step up to make some changes to pull me out of a nasty funk that had lasted far too long. Even in the darkest of times can we become so much more.

I reached out and got the help I needed from the people that love me so dearly. This support came in big things and little things throughout the last few months. Sometimes even the littlest things can give you so much. Maybe a quick hug or words exchanged can truly turn the tides in even the toughest of times. I want to take this moment to say thank you to all of you that help me stand up and be my better self even in the darkest of times. Thank you.

So back around the beginning of this year I ask others on Facebook for songs that really help pick themselves up when they need it. There was many great responses and songs that I have yet to check out. I did however get some songs that I really needed by asking this question. The person that hit the mark was of course someone that knows me well and we are so similar in how we deal with life’s trails and tribulations. I’m talking about my brother Justin. He shared with me two songs that he had used for himself to pull himself up. This is just one of the many reasons that I love him so.

“These two shall fly like brothers.”

In this entry I’m only going to talk about one of the two songs he brought to my attention. The song that I’m referring to I listened to everyday during the month of January and pretty much February as well. I would usually listen to it once or twice before I went to sleep or when I first woke up in the morning.This continued even through March and into April as well. This song gave me that hope each day that things will get better if you just don’t lose all hope.

The song that I’m talking about is by the band Paramore called “Last Hope.” The first version I heard was the live version that my brother showed me on youtube. It is the very same version that I’m going to post on this entry. In my opinion the live version is better than the album version of the song although I enjoy and listen to both quite a bit. Let’s go to the lyrics and see what spoke out to me.

"Last Hope" by Paramore

I don't even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
The more I try to push it
I realize – gotta let go of control

(I was taking control of many parts of my life that I needed to, but I was letting go of many things that I had no control over.)

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
So let it happen

(And it doesn’t happen overnight you have to just let it happen.)

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

(That light within myself had gotten very dim over the last few years, but this song reminded me that it was there and sometimes that’s enough.)

Every night I try my best to dream
Tomorrow makes it better

(Each day gives chance to move forward in a positive direction.)

Then I wake up to the cold reality
And not a thing is changed

(It will happen on some days where you feel like nothing is changing, but it is you that needs to let it happen. Patients, it doesn’t happen overnight.)

But it will happen

(It will.)

 
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

(Yes we do.)

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to
It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore

(At some point you will often realize that the pain hasn’t gone, but it’s not getting any worse. It will become more bearable to handle. Now you start to heal and move forward.)

And the blood in these veins isn't pumping any less than it ever has
And that's the hope I have, the only thing I know that's keeping me alive

(You are alive. You are bigger than this. Whatever it was that has been keeping you down has hurt you, but it won’t kill you or keep you down any longer.)

Alive

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I let go of control now, I can be strong)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I keep my eyes closed, with the blind hope)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

Ahhh
Ahhh
Ahhh
Ahhh

Ohhh
Ohhh

Hold on to the light within yourself no matter how dark it gets. It will get better, but it starts with believing in yourself and finding the love that is within us all. Hold that light.

It’s only been a few months since I hit my last bottom, but I can say with certainty that I feel I have turned the corner in a big way and it has gotten so much better because I let it happen. As I start to rebuild myself and even grow new parts of myself in the process I’m also in the process of being open to the endless possibilities of what I can be going forward. There is lot of change coming to my life and I’m trying a new tactic of embracing the changes like I have never done before. Who knows how great life can be in the future. I don’t know for sure either, I do know that I got to let it happen though. *wink*

As always I send this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = )

2015 in review. Life through Music: "The Adventure" by Angels and Airwaves

2015 Looking back...

So it’s the last day of 2015 and I always like to look back to evaluate the year as a whole. The last few weeks in particular I have been feeling a great amount of growth within myself. I also feel that there is a great many things ahead of me, but to usher in those things in I must first look at what I must let go of to make room for the new things. I don’t make New Year’s resolutions anymore. Instead I like to map out some guidelines and intentions for the coming year.

To explain it more clearly I feel like what I imagine it must be like for an astronaut that is walking to the launch platform before he leaves the planet. On this walk I need to think about all of what I’m leaving behind and what I’m not taking with me as I prepare to launch into 2016 with full force.

I can easily say that 2015 was a much better year than 2014, but maybe that was way too easy to do. There still was too much bleed over from 2014 into 2015. I do feel though as I come out of the fog that has been my life for so long. Now with an uncluttered and focused mind I’m heading into 2016 with the intention that it will be a much better year. I would like to point out that I said the same thing going into 2014 and not even a month in it went down the shitter with the death of my mother. This time though with the knowledge that I have now to help prevent myself from slipping into a deep hole I should actually be able to help create a better year for myself. If nothing else preventing another year like 2014 from happening ever again if I can help it.

It’s been a very long time since I have picked a song of the week or a song at all on my blog. So I would like to connect this idea of walking to the launch platform as I get ready to take flight towards 2016 and a song that really helps fuel me when I’m about to head to the next level with myself. The song that I’m picking is a song that I have picked before that helped me open myself up to life back in 2008. It was a song that start a new and exciting adventure for myself. The song is called “The Adventure” by Angels and Airwaves. Even from the imagery in the video itself you can see why I connected this song to my current place in life.





Let’s go to the lyrics:

"The Adventure" by Angels and Airwaves

I wanna have the same last dream again
The one where I wake up and I'm alive
Just as the four walls close me within
My eyes are open up with pure sunlight

I'm the first to know my dearest friends
Even if your hope has burned with time
Anything that's dead shall be regrown
And your vicious pain, your warning sign
You will be fine

Hey oh, here I am
And here we go life's waiting to begin

Any type of love it will be shown
Like every single tree reach for the sky
If you're gonna fall I'll let you know
That I will pick you up like you for I

I felt this thing I can't replace
When everyone was working for this goal
Where all the children left without a trace
Only to come back as pure as gold

To recite this all

Hey oh, here I am
And here we go life's waiting to begin tonight
Hey oh, here I am
And here we go life's waiting to begin tonight
Hey oh, here I am
And here we go life's waiting to begin

I cannot live I can't breathe
Unless you do this with me
I cannot live I can't breathe
Unless you do this with me

I cannot live I can't breathe
Unless you do this with me
I cannot live I can't breathe
Unless you do this with me

I cannot live I can't breathe
Unless you do this with me
I cannot live I can't breathe
Unless you do this with me

Hey oh, here I am
(Do this with me)
Here we go life's waiting to begin
(Do this with me)
Hey oh, here I am
(Do this with me)
Here we go life's waiting to begin
Life's waiting to begin

So lets see what are some things that I’m not going to take with me...

I have spent much of the year shedding myself of things that no longer serve me. My sister and I have purged lots of stuff physically as well as mentally over the last two years.

I won’t take with me my old focus on sports from the past. I have already dropped to a much lower level than I had most of my life when it comes to sports. Sports is far from a priority for me these days. I just have more important things to do with my time. So unless watching a sporting event that is helping me to bond with my friends than it doesn’t matter much.

I won’t be taking my excessive spending on video games with me into the next year. I have already stopped putting too much money into video games. When I do buy games I’m much more particular about what games I buy. This is mainly because in all the things I have to do in my day to day video games are very low on the totem pole. I even stopped buying single player games almost exclusively because I just don’t play them. If and when I get a chance to play video games I usually like playing multiplayer games in efforts to hangout with my friends and share the experience.

I won’t be taking with me emotionally unavailable women that I have dated in the past. That has got to change. I won’t go into the details about this year’s past relationships. However, I will say that I have realized my mistakes. I will now start to listen to myself instead of trusting in the other people to tell me what is going on in a relationship when clearly it was not what they said it was. Where I’m going I don’t need that kind of woman. I will continue to be even more upfront with the women I meet in the future. I’m looking for much more.

I won’t be taking with me my bad eating habits or my self medicating through with food into the new year either. As I fell into that pit I was in for a while I did much self medicating through food to cope with the heaviness that is life. After my mother’s death I had no other way to numb myself because I don’t drink or do drugs. This made it really hard to check out when I couldn’t handle life on an emotional level. I have already started myself in a better direction with food as I have awoken from my daze.

I won’t take with me a very stagnate life style that had become my life over the last two years. I need movement in my life so much because it helps me on so many levels. It helps me keep serious focus on maintaining my health goals. Things like exercise helps me stay mentally healthy and fights off negative things like depression. Movement for me just plain makes me feel good so I must always get some of that.

I won’t take with me the negative attitude that I have carried around lately. I have to admit that the last few years I have been a real downer. I want to take the time to apologize to you right now if you were ever a victim of this at any point. Trust me I’m starting to be more positive and will continue to work on being more of an upper going forward.

I won’t take with me the lack of focus on self-care in my life as I was under a dark cloud. Self-care had become such a big part of my life over the last decade and it was amazing how easily it slipped out of my grasp as I got depressed.

I won’t take with me that negative thoughts and blame towards myself that I have carried with me much of my life. Not all of what has happened to me has been my fault or the result of me not being worthy of greater things. I deserve nice things and I am so worthy of so much more than I have given myself a chance to experience.

Now for what I will take with me into this new year....

I will pack with me my positivity towards others and life in general. This had become such a proud part of who I am as I have grown into the wonderful person that is me. Trying to find the positives to ever situation in life had become so second nature that when I got really down it was harder to remember how to do it when forcing it. This is definitely starting to resurface and you know this true because if it wasn’t there again I wouldn’t be writing this blog entry for starters.

I will take with me the love that I have for myself that helps me achieve more personal growth within myself. I cannot stress enough how important it is to love ourselves above all else. Without love for ourselves we cannot be the light for others. I love myself for you and you love yourself for me. Love is always the answer.

I will take with me the light that shines for myself and others. Not only did I love shining so bright for myself, but sharing that light with others. By holding the light for others you can help them see the light within themselves. Spread love like wildfire.

I will take my dreams with me as I go forward. I will continue to dream big dreams and help myself manifest those dreams to be. No one has the right to stop you from dreaming. That includes yourself as well. We are our own biggest barriers in life.

I will take with me my high sense of compassion and empathy in this world. This is something that we all need more of in this tough thing called life. If we could do more of seeing the world through other people’s eyes then we can do more to make the world a better place.

I will take with me my strong desire to help others. This is my soul purpose in life. Helping others gives me the most value out of life. It is what warms my heart and fuels my fire.

I will take with me my own vulnerability as I go beyond my own self. As hard as it is to be vulnerable in today’s world it has helped my personal growth so much to do so. To understand that I don’t know everything, to admit my mistakes, to ask for help when I don’t know how to do something, to just be honest and open. It sounds a lot easier in theory I know, but trust me it can reap many benefits if you allow it.

10...

9...

8...

7...

6...

5..

4..

3..

2

1

Well, that is most of the big things that I can think of right now. I’m sure more will surface as the year goes forward. Then again next New Year’s Eve I will start the process over again. I encourage you to do the same thing for yourself in what ever form serves you. I would stay clear of calling them resolutions or goals though. Instead I would encourage you to look at them as “intentions” because it’s not about just hitting a check point it’s about making long term changes that stick.

I’m not going to put 2015 in the bad year bin, but I will definitely look at it more as a transition year. There was definitely some bright spots that happened in 2015 so it wasn’t all bad, but I think 2016 can be so much better. So raise a glass and lets make a toast to greater things for all of us in 2016 and beyond. Cheers!

As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-Lite. = )

2015 D-LITE: THE FORCE AWAKENS

It’s been awhile. It feels so weird to be in front of my computer again with the sole purpose of writing for myself and yet it feels normal to get back at it. I can’t even remember when the last blog entry was made, but I know it’s been a long time.

The lack of entries from me of course is not without me making efforts to do so over the last few years. Every time I tried to make an entry it just didn’t feel right or even worse I didn’t like what I wrote down. I have really been struggling to find the light that carried me for so long. I truly lost sight of my purpose in writing over the recent years and that is definitely not a good thing for me. This lack of purpose carried over to many other parts of my life as well. There has been much grayness in my life over the past few years.

 What happened that got me to fall away from all that made me shine bright and so in love with life? Those are very good questions to ask. In fact I have been asking them to myself over and over for a long time. I have been desperately searching for that answer for too long. The answer as it turns out was in a thought that I had been ruminating on for the last two years.

See I kept thinking back to the time right before my mother died in January of 2014. I looked back and remembered how well I was doing in all parts of my life. Today I even found some hand written thoughts about myself that reflect where I was with in regards to myself back then. It was so amazing how great I felt physically, mentally, and spiritually. Seriously people I can remember walking to the transit center one night and having a very powerful moment with myself. A moment where I stopped and pause to recognize how well I felt on all levels of my life. It was truly amazing and I will never forget that moment. It is the piece of myself that I held onto that would lead me back to myself.

As it turns out the thing that shattered that great part of myself was when a week after that wonderful moment with myself my mother passed away unexpectedly. It rocked me so hard and changed my life forever. Looking back now I see how much it really did affect me. As great as I was feeling with myself I was not prepared to handle something like my mother leaving my life. I remember while I was at the hospital that night after she died I posting on my Facebook status something that basically said that I realized that the light I had found within myself had gone out with the death of my mother. I also said I knew that one day it would return again and stronger than it was before she died. At that time I had no idea how much her death would change me or let alone when the light would return.

Well, after much struggle over the last two years I’m starting to see that light again. Unfortunately to have this awakening I had to hit a bottom with it all to finally ask for real help to get out of the pit I fell into. I’m so thankful that I reached out and asked for help because it has made all the difference. I’m so very lucky to have such great people in my life that help me be my best self.

Finding this light again is a very exciting accomplishment to me because I can finally get back on the path that I was on before I was knocked so far off course. I’m so excited to feel open and free again after living under a rock for so long. I have purpose again and I’m excited to see where the light within myself will lead me to now. Where can I go from here? What can I create? What is possible?

The hardest part of discovering this light again is that I just want to jump back to where I was before my mother’s death, but it’s not that simple. I just want to GO! GO! GO! Well, not so fast Derrick. I have to have patients and much focus to get me there again. The great part is that I’m starting a new chapter that is separate from the chapter that sent me to new heights, but this new chapter is with just as much possibility if not more.

This is it for now, but there is much more that is on the way. I just wanted to get something up to tell the world that I’m back and I’m ready for the next level. Thank you for your patients and I will talk to you very soon.

As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-Lite. = )

Life Through Music:”Paralyzed” by Angels and Airwaves

Before I get into the entry I wrote for New Year's Eve I have to add a bit of back story that happen before I was able to post it. The added information is that on my bike ride to work New Year's Eve day I hit a very large ice patch on the road and took a nasty spill. Lucky for myself it could have been much much worse. I got quite a few bruises and scratches from the crash, but remained mostly intact. I did however hit my thumb during the crash in a way that fracture it. So for the last week I have had a splint on my arm that had made my life very restrictive. Hence the reason I didn't post this entry till now.

So when I talk below of my disgust towards the year 2014 it will make more sense knowing that on the very last day of that horrible year, 2014 took one more jab at me on its way out the door. I will not give in though. 2015 will be a better year come hell or high water. Now on to the regularly scheduled program. = )

*Gives 2014 a good long stare down and says* “I have tried all year to like you and although there was moments throughout the year that were good, overall you suck and I’m done with you. 

I have already stressed my dislike for 2014 on many occasion, but this will be my last hurrah on the subject before I move on to 2015. 

I remember quite vividly how much I wanted to make 2014 such a great year. I was in such a great place with myself at the beginning of last year and so ready to take on 2014 in a big way. Looking back I remember how good I felt about all parts of my life even up to the week before my mother died. I remember expressing much of that feeling even in the blog entry I wrote a week before my mother died. 

Instead 2014 was a year of much loss and heartbreak for myself. I mean the FIRST month into the new year and I lose one of the biggest parts of my life when I lost my mother. Talk about one way to really throw everything out of synch.

I can tell you from my experience grief is a nasty thing because there is no telling what it will do to your life and or where it will take you emotionally. In many ways you are paralyzed to do anything about it and you just have to move through it. It’s like being on a roller coaster that you have no idea when you will slow down or even if it will ever get off of it. That is what 2014 has been for me. This year has been a very paralyzing and crippling year for myself especially when referring to my health progress. 

My mother’s death stopped me dead in my tracks and derailed me in the true sense of the word. I haven’t really felt like myself this whole year. I have been way off track with everything that I was doing so great with prior to my mom’s death. It’s been so hard for someone who needs to push forward to allow something else( in this case grief) to take the wheel and control where I go in my life. Someone who thrives on making progress. Instead grief has been directing my life much to my dismay. 

All year I have felt like I have been trying to get back to those tracks that I got derailed from at the beginning of last year. All efforts to do so have made minimal impact. It has only been in the last week or so that I have even really started to feel like myself again and that gives me the much needed strength to push forward to reclaim more of me. 

I myself have spent 2014 paralyzed which is all part of the process when dealing with grief. I’m starting to see more light at the end of the tunnel. The song I picked for this blog entry is from one of the most influential bands of the last ten years of my life. The band is called Angels and Airwaves. This band helped me through much of the grief that surrounded my fathers death as well. They also helped me push forward and find a person within myself that at the time I didn’t even know was there.

The specific song that I chose by this band to connect to my reflection of 2014 is called “Paralyzed” by Angels and Airwaves. It comes off their latest album that was released in December. It was the first single released for the album and to be honest it took awhile to really connect to me. As I have been reflecting over the last week of the year tying to think of how I think of this year as a whole it started to make a lot of sense. So lets go to the lyrics.

“Paralyzed” by Angels and Airwaves

I wake to a fire in the day

A little lion safe and sound

It's a wild life, so wild, crazy

Cannot tame the crowd

Like beast in the hole, you're MIA

A little hell, you're gonna pay

You're whole at home, a telephone

The king that's here to say

Sleep and awaking to life, for a hell of a ride

Sleep and awaking to life, with your hands at your side, paralyzed

Paralyzed, paralyzed, paralyzed

(I think the chorus is what I connect to the most because it really says it all when it comes to dealing with grief. The feelings of being helpless and paralyzed.)

Out cold in the gentle rain, it's dark

A little lying set your fire

Push away and go, the stereo

A tear ruled death to part

19 with a wicked MRE

What a waste, a memory

Got a steady heart, you played your part

And now get down to the sea

Sleep and awaking to life, for a hell of a ride

Sleep and awaking to life, with your hands at your side

It's more the same, a silly old shame

A dimly lit road, it will wither and go

I climb the light post, illuminate the road

For miles away, so safely on your way

(I will find that light within myself that I lost sight of and light the road that I now take to a different and new destination.) 

Sleep and awaking to life, for a hell of a ride

Sleep and awaking to life, with your hands at your side

(One of the most powerful things that death and grief can remind you of is that we are here to live life to the fullest. That life is short and precious. It reminds us what the really important things are in life.)

Sleep and awaking to life, for a hell of a ride

Sleep and awaking to life, with your hands at your side, paralyzed

Paralyzed, paralyzed, paralyzed.

As I move into 2015 I will try again to start the year with such great hopes and aspirations. I won’t give up and I will try my best to make this new year the best that I can. It has to get better right? 

I wish you all the best this coming year whether or not you had a great year or bad year like myself. Life can be really rough and truly amazing. It’s up to us to make sure we make the most of it all. 

As always I send this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = )

BONUS: I thought I would share the text message that my mother sent my siblings and myself last New Years Eve after the ball dropped. It goes as follows:

“HAPPY WISHES FOR THE NEW YEAR MY CURTAIN CLIMBERS! LOVE U ALL! : D”

LOVE

Life Through Music: “Christmas Without You” by Onerepublic

It’s gone. 

That’s right I have lost my Christmas spirit. For someone that has always loved this time of year very much I never thought it was possible, but it happened. Unfortunately the reason for this has to do with the loss of the one person that instilled my Christmas spirit. I’m of course talking about my mother who is no longer here on this earth with us anymore. She loved this time of year so much I couldn’t help but follow in her footsteps since she was the guiding light that built a great love for Christmas. Much has changed this year. My love for Christmas was so much until now. 

It only makes sense that my mother would love this time of year because essentially it’s a season of giving to others. My mother was the best example I had in my life that showed me the joys of giving to others.That is still one of my favorite things about my mother that I love so much. She love the whole process of giving gifts. From trying to figure out the right present for each person to the reaction of the person when receiving the gift. Last Christmas I think she did the best she ever did with giving presents to everyone that was present at our last Christmas. It was almost as if she new it was going to be her last Christmas. It’s just amazes me when I look back at just how much she loved giving.  She just loved giving with or without money. She always gave more than she had and with so much love. 

This is the first Christmas season without my mother and to be quite frank its ruined everything for me as far as getting into the holiday spirit. I just can’t do it without her and it kills me to say that. It’s true that as you get older Christmas loses much of it’s magic and Christmas has been very different for me for a long time. I have, however, taken the time over the years to try to make it my own again. Losing my mother has been so much more difficult than any obstacle that I have ever encountered when that spirit will ever be back.

I didn’t just give up on getting swept away by the holiday season coming into this Christmas season. I have definitely made efforts to spark that Christmas spirit and all attempts have failed. I have been enjoying Christmas music (which the rest of the world hates), but I’m definitely not enjoying it like I have in years past. I want to enjoy it, but I just can’t.

It hasn’t just been me that has tried to spark the spirit within myself because lots of great people in my life have done very nice things for me, but with the same result. I really do have many good people in my life. I’m so lucky for their love, but I’m sorry it's just not enough. It's a shame too because over the last few years my family had some really great Christmases. I just have to except that this is what Christmas is for me "right now" without my mother who is my true Christmas spirit. This is not to say that it can never come back or that it’s dead forever, but for now the search begins to find a new light within myself. 

I actually have a song that goes with this feeling that I have about the loss of my mother and my Christmas spirit. This is a song that I heard last year and really fell in love with it. It was for a different reason last year that I connected to this song. This year this song has a much more powerful meaning to me that brings me to tears when I listen to it and really let my heart feel it. The song is called “Christmas Without You” by Onerepublic. This is definitely not a happy go lucky Christmas song. It’s definitely a representation of the sadder part of the holiday season. I cannot deny the impact on me when listening to it so lets go to the lyrics.

"Christmas Without You"

start of lyrics It's almost midnight, where you lay your head

But I'm calling numbers, buying plane tickets and bed

Every channel on the TV, it's a wonderful life

I don't feel so wonderful on this cold winter night

(I know the feeling and I dislike these cold winter nights.)

I missed Thanksgiving, missed a birthday or two

Didn't make St. Valentines, but I was thinking of you

Only one thing in the world, I couldn't do

Only one thing could kill me, Christmas without you

(I don’t want to have Christmas without you...)

Ooh, the snow is on the ground

The day's getting colder, I'm coming home now

So go ahead light the fire, turn that Christmas tree on

Cause I've been missing you so much I wrote you this song

Yes, I did

(I miss you so much I wrote this blog...)

I missed Thanksgiving, missed a birthday or two

Didn't make St. Valentines, but I was thinking of you

Only one thing in the world, I couldn't do

Only one thing could kill me, Christmas without you

Only one thing in the world, I couldn't do

Only one thing could kill me, Christmas without you

(Each and every other holiday and event has been so different without you...)

Oh, the presents wrapped, and 'Jingle Bells' on the radio

I'm turning down the street, there's no place I'd rather go

Every holiday, oh, you feel the same

Except for the ones when I'm with you

(Everything is in place, but it won’t feel the same without you. I don't know that I ever will.)

I missed Thanksgiving, I missed a birthday or two

I didn't make St. Valentines, but I was thinking of you

Only one thing in the world, that I couldn't do

There's only one thing that kills me, Christmas without you end of lyrics

(Christmas without you.)

So, I’m sorry if I’m a bit of a downer lately and if I retract myself from the holiday season or just life in general. This is how it has to be for me for now. Thank you for all the love that each one of you have shown me over this tough year because it hasn’t gone unnoticed. I have needed every single ounce of extra love because my mothers love is hard to replace. Thank you for your patients and support. I have great people in my life that give me many great reasons to be her in this life.

For now I’m trapped in a bad Hallmark Christmas movie without a happy ending...

As always I send this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = )