Life Through Music: "Mirrors" by Justin Timberlake

I have so much on mind I almost don't know where to start. So, I will start here with my song of the week because the song I picked for this week has had a big impact on me and some of the things I will talk about in the blog entries to follow. Without further ado lets get at it. 

I was super excited when I heard the news a few months ago that Justin Timberlake was set to release a new album in March. The year 2013 seems to be the year of new music from some of my favorite artist. JT's album is the first one on the list. I was excited because I'm doing great these days so any dance and groove type music always does me good to keep that feeling going. 

What I was surprised to find out about the album after listening to it a lot after I got it is that beyond the great groove of the album itself there was one song that immediately stood out to me. That song is called "Mirrors". Now, here is another situation when I don't relate directly to the song in the way it's written so to speak. The song however gives me the same powerful message, but in my case it's more about self discovery than doing it through another person. Although part of it is actually about what I have learned about a past situation with a woman. Most of what speaks to me in this song is about what I have found looking in the mirror at myself. I think the best way to explain myself is go through the lyrics and explain directly after what they mean to me. 

"Mirrors"

Aren't you somethin' to admire?

Cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror

Finally, I can look in the mirror and feel proud of all the hard work I have put in regarding myself. To take the time to really appreciate all the extra effort spent on my health. To see the results of all the love that I have put back into myself. Aren’t I something to admire? Why yes Derrick, you are and I’m very proud of myself. I know I have had many things that have motivated me and continued to motivate me, but above all of that I did all of this for me and only me. Many people have said to me that I should have gone on the show The Biggest Loser because of all my progress. I always answer that phrase with this response, “I don’t need that show to get where I want to go. I do this for me and no one else.” However, thinking about it now I would only go on there to motivate others. Inspiring others really makes me happy. To show them how possible it is can be so powerful. When I say I do this only for myself it is not to be selfish, but instead I mean it in the most powerful way possible. See until you can dive into yourself and really do it for you it will always seem harder and often fail. This applies to other things than just weight loss. I remember that in my last text conversation/fight with Laura when I was dropping all connections to her and hitting her with the plain truth she said to me, “You have me fuming! I have never been talk to like this before. You have me wanting to prove you wrong so bad.” What I said back was, “It doesn’t matter what I did to you or how much you want to prove me wrong you will never succeed if you don’t do it for yourself. Because if it solely worked on that principle then you would have been sober a long time ago.” Truth be told she has had as much adversity and help as anyone I have ever seen and she still always ended up hating herself. She is very good at suppressing the real problem, but it will always surface eventually. 

And I can't help but notice

You reflect in this heart of mine

Ever since my father died I look at life so differently. The further and further I go to become the Derrick I am I try as hard as I can to speak directly from the heart. This is not always easy, but always necessary. What a beautiful heart I have and as the Derrick that has been hidden under (at one time hundreds of pounds of fat) my heart is now the thing that grows bigger. What a wonderful reflection I make in my own heart.

If you ever feel alone and

The glare makes me hard to find

Just know that I'm always

Parallel on the other side

We all go through dark times in our life, but it’s important not to get trapped there. Remember that there is light on the other side no matter how hard it maybe to see at times. I know from the work that I have done that the more bad stuff inside you that you clear out the less darkness you will see and the easier it becomes to come back to the light. 

Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul

I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go

Just put your hand on the glass

I'm here tryin' to pull you through

You just gotta be strong

I always get to a great place with myself and then something pushes me back. Every time it happens though I get up and become more determined than the last time. Currently I’m the most focused I have ever been in my entire life and that too continues to grow. I’m now not allowing those things that don’t serve me to enter my life anymore. I will not be stopped. There isn’t a place I can’t go or a person I can’t be. I intend on being the healthiest and happiest version of myself.  

I don't wanna lose you now

I'm lookin' right at the other half of me

I have worked so hard to get to where I am now I WILL NOT LOSE YOU AGAIN. I look in the mirror and not only do I see the other half of me I see the whole me and I can’t help but smile back. 

The vacancy that sat in my heart

Is a space that now you hold

Self love. The part of my heart that I was trying to fill with someone else is no longer vacant. “Sorry, seat’s taken...” This is not to say that I’m not looking for someone to be with, but this time around I’m looking for a healthy kind of love. 

Show me how to fight for now

And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy

Comin' back here to you once I figured it out

You were right here all along

This is probably my favorite part of the song and what really spoke to me. It’s always about fighting for now. I have finally made it back to me and realized that I have been here the whole time. It’s funny how much we get lost in life and forget what is right in front of ourselves. Especially in regards to ourselves. You are right here. 

It's like you're my mirror

My mirror staring back at me

So, when I was chasing after Laura and others, I was picking women that were a reflection of myself in many ways. Times are a changing in the reflection I’m looking for in the person I choose to be with in life. Plus the reflection I’m making to myself is pretty sweet. 

I couldn't get any bigger

With anyone else beside of me

I never realize how much some of the bad situations that I have pick for myself bring me down till I fully step away. My whole situation with Laura is the best example of that. I cannot be me or become the person I want to be if that person isn’t helping that process. I will not tolerate that kind of negative energy anymore and I finally feel free of all of what went on in the past. 

And now it's clear as this promise

That we're making

Two reflections into one

Cause it's like you're my mirror

My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

This is a serious promise and one I intend to keep. I’m putting myself back together. I won’t have to in vision the person I want to be I will only have to look in the mirror. 

Aren't you somethin', an original

Cause it doesn't seem merely assembled

And I can't help but stare, cause

I see truth somewhere in your eyes

I can't ever change without you

You reflect me, I love that about you

And if I could, I

Would look at us all the time

Now, not to give you in the impression I’m obsessive about looking at myself in the mirror, but I have in the past avoided myself for many years. Avoiding the reality of who I was. So yes, I make sure I regularly check in with where I’m at with myself. I take time to appreciate my hard word and just take time to fall in love with myself. It has been a long road and nothing happens overnight. I do see the truth in my eyes. I cannot ever change if I am not the complete Derrick. Mind, body, and soul. 

Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul

I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go

Just put your hand on the glass

I'm here tryin' to pull you through

You just gotta be strong

Again, I will not be stopped and I’m so excited to see where I can go. With each level that I reach more and more of myself and the world are opened up to me. I love it. I can’t stop and I won’t stop. 

I don't wanna lose you now

I'm lookin' right at the other half of me

The vacancy that sat in my heart

Is a space that now you hold

Show me how to fight for now

And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy

Comin' back here to you once I figured it out

You were right here all along

I can’t lose myself I’m too awesome. 

It's like you're my mirror

My mirror staring back at me

I couldn't get any bigger

With anyone else beside of me

And now it's clear as this promise

That we're making

Two reflections into one

Cause it's like you're my mirror

My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

Yesterday is history

Tomorrow's a mystery

I love this part of the song. I have moved through so much over the last 10 years. I must remember that the past (especially the bad stuff) is history. I only have now and the future. That is such an exciting thought to me. I have seen what I did to myself in 8 years from comparing my old drivers license with my new drivers license and I’m not just talking about the physical part of me either its the whole package. I have such a different look about me on my new drivers license. Here is to self love and exploration of the now and the future. 

I can see you lookin' back at me

Keep your eyes on me

Baby, keep your eyes on me

That’s right Derrick keep your eyes focused on you now and what is in front of you. There is no need to waste time focusing one what was almost or what could have been. You are doing great and on a path that has so much potential. Keep it up. 

I don't wanna lose you now

I'm lookin' right at the other half of me

The vacancy that sat in my heart

Is a space that now you hold

Show me how to fight for now

And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy

Comin' back here to you once I figured it out

You were right here all along

It's like you're my mirror

My mirror staring back at me

I couldn't get any bigger

With anyone else beside of me

And now it's clear as this promise

That we're making

Two reflections into one

Cause it's like you're my mirror

My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

You are, you are the love of my life [x10]

Self love. No one will ever love me more than I do. 

Now you're the inspiration for this precious song

And I just wanna see your face light up since you put me on

I’m happy and I am shining bright. Wouldn’t you agree?

So now I say goodbye to the old me, it's already gone

Yes, the old Derrick is gone and the new me is already starting. In actuality I was always there. Now I’m just expanding on the me thats always been there. 

And I can't wait wait wait wait wait to get you home

Just to let you know, you are

You are, you are the love of my life [x8]

Girl you're my reflection, all I see is you

My reflection, in everything I do

You're my reflection and all I see is you

My reflection, in everything I do

Yes, I see you. Yes, I really see you. Yes, so very glad to see you. 

You are, you are the love of my life [x16]

Wow, that was a lot out of a 7 minute song. I had to share because it meant to much to keep to myself. I wish everyone the same self discovery that I have found. It’s nothing short of amazing. It’s the hardest work we can do while here on this planet, but its the most rewarding. Thanks for being a part of my journey. 

As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-lite. = ) 

"I want to get away....."

Finally.... a break.

*takes a deep breath*

Winter term complete. 

There is some very valuable lessons I have already learned from being in school again. Lessons beyond the actual classes I have been taking. One of those lessons is that I have many maintenance type activities that must be done to keep me going in a healthy direction. Those things have been hard to keep up with while in school and working full time. 

The other lesson is that time is more precious than I already thought it was. 

Winter term is done and so I can take a breather. Well...kind of. I’m still playing catch up. This term I tried harder to make working out and finding more “me” time as bigger priorities into my already busy schedule. Well, this term I did do better at working out and creating some fun time for myself. However, when trying to balance so many things something always gets put on the back burner. This term that thing that got put on the bottom of my to do lists was cleaning. Not so bad my place is destroyed, but for me its definitely not up to par. My home is kind of a direct reflection of my mind and myself. So, when it’s cluttered it becomes harder for me to think or focus. So, it has been neglected a bit over the last few months. I’m currently trying to change that as much as I can before the spring term starts on April 1st and before I leave to go to visit my cousin in Arizona for a few days. Between appointments, errands, working out, cooking, and cleaning I have been a very busy boy. 

But this is spring break... I should have a little more time on my hands right? Not when you’re as focused as I am and working full time. To do the things I’m doing for my health it doesn’t leave much time for much else. I don’t remember the last time I watch a full movie at home and reading has been halted as well. Thats just the way it goes when you get older I have found. Also, I guess I'm a parent in training because I know having a kid does make your life this kind of busy or at least more prepared if such a thing should happen. 

I have also realized while being in school that I have two modes in my life apparently. It’s either crazy busy or I have too much time on my hands. The trick is finding that middle ground between those two modes in my life. That is what I’m continually working on. I can say that over the 3 terms I have done so far I’m getting better at doing so and at least progressing in this area. 

Finals this time around was a lot harder because I was struggling a bit in my math class.  So, I locked myself down and I spent a lot of time studying. Which I believe paid off because I feel I did well for my math final.  Over all I really liked my classes this term especially when it comes to how I scheduled them. 

Okay on to the song of the week. I have actually already picked this song last year around the same time and I’m picking it for the same reason this week. It is now my anthem for going on vacation. It is technically spring now here in Oregon and over the last week it definitely hasn’t felt like it. Winter is having a really hard time making an exit. Well, I’m breaking up with Oregon for a few days and heading south. Hopefully when I come back Oregon will have figured itself out and realized it is actually spring now and so it will start acting accordingly. So, I’m off to catch a plane today to take me to the Southwest. This will be my second time visiting my cousin Jason in Arizona. I have been watching the weather down there and it’s been in the 80’s all week. I can dig that. I need some relaxation and some warmth. With all that said today is the day I fly away. There is no song for me that fits the feeling of wanting to get away than Lenny Kravitz’s song “Fly Away”. So, let the guitar riff get stuck in your head and let the beat carry you away.... Fly away.... Let the vacation begin! 

I wish that I could fly 

Into the sky 

So very high 

Just like a dragonfly 

I'd fly above the trees 

Over the seas in all degrees 

To anywhere I please 

Oh I want to get away 

I want to fly away 

Yeah yeah yeah 

Oh I want to get away 

I want to fly away 

Yeah yeah yeah 

Let's go and see the stars 

The milky way or even Mars 

Where it could just be ours 

Let's fade into the sun 

Let your spirit fly 

Where we are one 

Just for a little fun 

Oh oh oh yeah ! 

I want to get away 

I want to fly away                         

Yeah yeah yeah 

I want to get away 

I want to fly away 

Yeah yeah yeah 

I got to get away 

Feel I got to get away 

Oh oh oh yeah 

I want to get away 

I want to fly away 

Yeah with you yeah yeah 

Oh Yeah ! 

I want to get away 

I want to fly away 

Yeah with you yeah yeah 

I got to get away 

I want to get away X4 

Yeah 

I want to get away 

I want to fly away 

Yeah with you yeah yeah 

I got to get away 

I want to get away X4 

Yeah 

I want to get away 

I want to fly away 

Yeah with you 

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-lite. = ) 

P.S. I will try to bring the sun and warmth back with me. ;- )

Well that was refreshing....

So, I spent yesterday morning going through my pile of mail (a.k.a. bills). During that painstaking process I spent a good portion of time on the phone talking to customer service representatives trying to straighten things out. Today, the people I talked to on the phone were actually very helpful and so I got a lot accomplished in the short time that I had. One person in particular that stood out to me was the person responsible for the New Seasons Market account for our flex spending program. When after I called her up the second time I was joking around towards the end of our conversation that I would promise to leave her alone for the rest of the day at least. See even after my barrage of questions her customer service never wavered. After I got off the phone I was required to respond to an e-mail she sent me to verify that the new e-mail I gave her was the right e-mail to use on my account. Well, I did respond to her e-mail and this is what I wrote: 

"Yes, please! This is definitely the e-mail I would like to use for this account. Again, thank you so much for all your help today. I really do appreciate it. Good customer service is hard to find especially in the phone/online customer service department. So, I want to take the time to recognize it and appreciate it. So, thank you. Have a good rest of your day and beyond! = ) 

D~" 

Now I know because it's her job and she has to remain somewhat professional she wrote back:

"Thank you Derrick! I updated our system and this email address is on file now." 

The "!" mark tells me my message made it through to her and I hope I made her day. It's true though. Half the time I call customer service they are rude, unhelpful, or I can't understand them. As a whole we all don't get appreciated enough for the hard work we do. You can't be appreciated if you don't take the time to appreciate others. Also, remember if you are always looking for appreciation outside yourself than you might find it hard to feel appreciated. Life isn’t fair or even. Therefore, sometimes you are the only one to lift yourself up during tough times. Life also doesn’t always look over your shoulder and appreciate everything little thing that you do that is so great. Always strive to do your best and always take time to appreciate yourself as much as possible. Its a big component of self love. 

As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-lite. = )

Life Through Music: “Let The Good Times Roll”

Well, I’m finally set in motion and life is feeling good. Many things are coming together for myself from the hard work that I’m putting in. So, this week I wanted to continue the vibe from last week’s song of the week called “Good Life” , so I pick “Let The Good Times Roll” by the one and only Ray Charles to help continue this awesome vibe I have going for myself right now. 

Lyrics:

Hey everybody,

Let's have some fun

You only live but once

Yes, really lets just have some fun. I don’t care how cold it has gotten in the last week spring is on its way. We can all work to squeeze more fun into our life. I’m reminded of one night when I was at work and I asked this regular customer “How are you doing?” to which he replied back “I’m not having enough fun man”. What a statement that was because he is so right. We get caught up in the business of life and next thing you know it’s gone. So my message here is make more time for fun. 

And when you're dead you're done

So let the good times roll,

I said let the good times roll,

I don't care if you're young or old,

You oughtta get together and let the good times roll

It really doesn’t matter what your age is we can all help each other have more good times. I spent yesterday just hanging with my brother. We played some basketball and kicked around a soccer ball at the park up the street from my house. It was such a gorgeous day in the pacific northwest and it felt so good to take advantage of it. After that we went to a Timbers game in downtown Portland. Even though the Timbers lost we had a blast. After the game we came back to my house where we were joined by my brother’s girlfriend and then had an impromptu game night. My point is you can be a fun times facilitator and it doesn’t have to be complicated to become one. Start a movie night, have a BBQ, organize a group hike, have dinner party, go on a road trip, or my personal favorite is have a game night. These are just a few things you can do to have a good time. I know you can come up with more. 

Don't sit there mumbling

Talkin' trash

If you want to have a ball,

You got to go out and spend some cash

And let the good times roll now,

I'm talkin' 'bout the good times,

Here is where I interpret he’s lyrics a bit different then what I’m sure Ray Charles meant. I think of money as energy and so sometimes you have to throw in a little doe (or your time and energy) to have a good time. Conversely, some of the best times in my life have been from no money spent at all. Either way the effort needs to be there to accomplish having good times in your life. Point is when you do spend money to have a good time that is putting your energy into an investment of yourself and your well being. So lets let them good times roll people. 

Well, it makes no difference whether you're young or old,

All you got to do is get together and let the good times roll

Hey y'all tell everybody, Ray Charles in town,

I got a dollar and a quarter and I'm just ringing the clock,

But don't let no female, play me cheap,

I got fifty cents more than I'm gonna keep.

So let the good times roll now,

I tell y'all I'm gonna let the good times roll now,

Well, it don't make no difference if you're young or old,

All you got to do is get together and let the good times roll

Hey no matter whether, rainy weather,

If you want to have a ball, you got to get yourself together,

Oh, get yourself under control, woah, and let the good times roll.

Yes, if you want to have a good time you definitely have to get yourself under control. You can’t have a good time if you are as I put it “just a mess”. I’m talking drama free and carefree good times. Pull yourself together and enjoy what life offers you. 

I think this song is a very good song to usher in spring because I consider spring and summer in my life to be some of the greatest chances to have some really good times. So get those thoughts brewing now because before you know it September will be upon us. 

I hope you all had a great week and are ready for the next. Speaking of letting the good times roll my trip to Arizona is right around the corner so I’m definitely letting the good times roll. 

As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-lite. = )  

Life Through Music:"The Good Life"

“Welcome to the good life...”

“Like we always do at this time

I go for mine, I got to shine

Now throw your hands up in the sky

I g-go for mine, I got to shine

Now throw your hands up in the sky”

So, life isn’t always about looking deep inside. This week I’m trying to focus more on my progress in general and just where my life is “right now”. Forget about the past and trying to dissect it. Forget about where I will be in 5 years. Lets talk about right now. Lets take sometime to enjoy the hard work that I have done.

“Is the good life better than the life I live?”

I realized last week on my bus ride home that when I look at my life in the big picture I’m doing really well and overall I’m really happy with where my life is right now. Yes, I still have struggles, but why the hell am I really going to let them drag me down. There has been much talk lately in my circle of peeps about the idea of “First world problems”. I mean think of all the little stupid things we complain about and someone else in this world is having real world problems. I don’t want to be one of those people that complains about the petty things that in the bigger picture don’t mean much. I have had the luxury of living in a “first world” instead of a “third world” my entire life and for that I’m truly blessed. 

So lets have fun. This song “Good Life” by Kanye West was an instant hit for me when I got the album day one years ago. Kanye used a sample from the song P.Y.T. by  Michael Jackson in the song and so I was hooked right away. This song always makes me happy and gets me moving. I felt it was very fitting when I heard it while having my revelation on the bus earlier this week. The overall message that spoke to me in this song was in the chorus that says: 

“I’M GOOD” 

Now lets apply this phrase to my life as the check mark to the list that is me. 

My health, I’m really good. 

My dedication to my exercising, I’m really good. 

My eating and tracking my food, I’m doing really good.

My circle of family and friends, I’m really good. 

My winter term in school, I’m good. 

My love life, I’m good. 

Keeping up on my sleep schedule, I’m doing really good.

Winter is on the way out and spring is on it’s way in so I’m good.

This month I’m going to Arizona to see my cousin to celebrate my birthday and the beginning of spring so I’m really good.

I really do have everything I need in my life and more than some have in their entire lifetime. So really...

I’m good. = )

Now from the video and the other lyrics in the song you can definitely tell that Kanye and I have very different views on what is classified as the "good life". In life we all have different ideas of what makes a good life. So take the time to appreciate whatever it is that makes your life so damn good. 

In the song Kanye talks about closing his eyes and imagining the good life. Well, I don’t need to imagine because it’s right in front of me. What good is putting in the work if we don’t take the time to enjoy it. So, lets all take sometime to enjoy the good life. Take a moment to sing and dance along with me...

“Now I, I go for mine, I got to shine

Now throw your hands up in the sky

Now I, I go for mine, I got to shine

Now throw your hands up in the sky”

It’s time for all of us to shine as bright as we can. 

As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-lite. = ) 

Life Through Music: Red Light Special

That's right you are not mistaken. The song I picked for this week is from the group TLC and is called “Red Light Special”. Now, before your mind goes right to the gutter let me back track a bit to help explain why I picked this song. I have mentioned before that music speaks to me in many different ways. Sometimes it's one word or phrase in a song, maybe even just the chorus, sometimes its all of the lyrics in a song that fit a situation, or just the music itself gives me a certain emotion. This is a song that I have heard many times before, but recently one part of the song stood out to me like it had never done before. 

Earlier this week while in transit from school to home I was listening to music on my iPhone. When I listen to music on the go I usually have my iPhone set on shuffle play. The song “Red Light Special” by TLC came on and part of the song spoke to me like it had never done before. See this wasn’t the first time that this song has played while listening to music on my iPhone. If you don’t already know I love listening to my slow jams. There are quite a few on my phone currently.“Red Light Special” is one of the newest additions to my slow jam collection. Last summer while hunting through the CDs at goodwill I came across the album titled "CrazySexyCool". On this album there are quite a few hits from the 90's and “Red Light Special” is one of them. It was in great condition so I bought it. So glad that I did because its such a great album and it takes me right back to the 90's. If you ask people of my generation most of them know of this album because it was very popular in the 90's. Even more popular with women of my generation. TLC's CrazySexyCool album is very much like two of the other female artists of the 90's named Salt 'n Pepper. Meaning that it pushed women forward with being open about their female sexuality. Many women who don't even listen to hip hop or pop music know Salt ‘n Pepper’s music word for word. Some of the women I have known in my lifetime that I would never even suspect being fans of Salt ‘n Pepper totally shock me when one of their songs would come on and they would sing or rap to it lyric for lyric without missing a beat. I believe both TLC and Salt ‘n Pepper changed many of the women of my generation to be more confident in their own sexuality in a very positive way. We have lots of stigmas in society from past generations that women don't like to have sex or talk about it openly and such. Well, if you don’t know now you do because they definitely are sexual beings just as much as men are. I believe women should be sexually confident and can also do so in a healthy way.

So, getting back to the TLC song that I picked for this week. I have listen to this specific song many times before I owned the album and now that I own the album I have heard it quite a bit more. When I listen to the song recently something different stood out to me and fit some of my thoughts that have been going through my mind of late when regarding past relationships and my love life. The lyrics that stood out to me were right near the end of the song:

I'm a woman

(I'm a woman)

A real woman

(A real woman)

I know just what I want

I know just who I am

These lyrics don't seem so epic taken out of the song itself, but trust me there is much power in these words. As I continually look back and try to learn from my past relationships by trying to figure out what worked and what didn't. I use this information to help pick better relationships in the future. What this lyric says to me is that in my past relationships there wasn’t a woman who was really very confident. Confidence is something that has become very important to me as I get older. Some of them were confident in certain areas and a mess in others. This was almost always true when talking about their sexuality. That's what I’m in search of now. As I refine my search and ask the universe for better opportunities this is something that is added to the list. I’m not afraid to be with a woman who “knows just what she wants and knows just who she is” in fact I welcome it. 

Recently, I complained to a friend about my online dating experience. She being the awesome person she is said, "Awww D, you need to be more confident. You're amazing." I know she was just trying to help me, but it kind of made me a bit frustrated. The thing is I am more confident than I have ever been in my life. That confidence that I have acquired has changed things for me in this department of my life and the way I select opportunities in my love life that is for sure. It’s a big part of why I’m still single to be honest. I want something more than I have had in the past and something healthier as well. My therapist tries to tell me as encouragement that my "picker" when it comes to women is getting better. She says this even though she has heard all about my failed attempts and head scratching situations I have been through lately when dating is involved. Well, it's that confidence that keeps me away from the bullshit. Oh and believe me there is a lot of it out there too. However, now I can smell it coming from a mile away. No thank you. Been there done that. I don’t even need to go into the specific experiences for you to know what I mean. Just know that I have had a lot of “bad situations” thrown my way. SO sick of it. I suppose I should take a moment to give myself credit for making progress with identifying it at least. It’s all good though I will wait for my “Red Light Special”. I’m ready for something healthier than the past relationships I have had and if that means sifting through the bad stuff well then so be it. 

Also, while we are on the topic of confidence I have talked to many women about what things are most important when they are looking for a guy. Confidence usually comes up near the top of the list. Well, I feel that confidence in a woman is just as important. A woman that is confident is very sexy in my opinion, but it is not as easy to find as you might think. This also shouldn’t be mixed up with being a "bitch", because there is definitely a difference. One of the women from my past that I never had the confidence to make a move on married a guy that I don’t think was that great of a guy necessarily, but he had one thing I didn’t at the time and that was confidence. Well, the next time a woman like that comes around I assure you I won’t be the same person I was back then. Because regardless of whether or not it results in a connection the effort and confidence will be there.

They say your soulmate is a direct reflection of yourself. Well, I'm pretty f@*%ing awesome so she must be one hell of a woman herself. A woman that owns the person she is and projects it well. Also, I have a feeling deep down inside that helps me go forward with all this. That feeling is that the woman I end up with will be the one making moves more than likely. Meaning she will see me for who I truly am and know that I am what she has been looking for. I'm not looking for perfection for I'm not perfect myself, but I am looking for someone perfect for me. Till then *grabs a shovel* I will continue to dig my way out of this mess. 

Hope you are all doing well and figuring your life out. 

As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-lite. = )