Bingo! That's Just What I Needed.

My lil Christmas tree

Yes, I said it... B I N G O. Bingo! Bingo is the best way to describe my holiday season of 2012. This year many things in my life changed and effected how the holiday season played out for me from the normal holiday season I have known in years past. This year for the first time I had to add college into the mix. Even with having school I really did get what I needed out of both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Let me explain more in detail so you know what I mean exactly. To do this I’m going to go back about a month or so and start from the beginning. 

Actually, lets go further back than a month. Let’s got back to the first week of November. At this point I’m over half way done with my fall term at PCC. One thing that I’m learning about being in college is that the terms fly by very fast and my free time is very precious. In all the craziness of my schedule between school and work I still made an effort to put out my little artificial Christmas tree and decorated it so I could have it displayed in my bedroom. This is something I do every year in the first week of November and I know its a bit early for most people, but I have always loved Christmas and therefore Christmas always starts early for me. Its important for me to continue this tradition because as I have gotten older things in life like major holidays go by faster and faster. So, to get my proper fill of Christmas it is necessary for me to start early. This also includes playing Christmas music as soon as Halloween is over. It’s very sad to me that so many people cringe at the sound of any Christmas music and yet I enjoy it so very much. Usually people complain that the reason they don’t like Christmas music is because they have heard it played over and over and over during the holiday season. Well, I can guarantee that I have listen to Christmas music more than most people have and I still love it. I guess I’m just weird and I’m okay with that. So, the first part of my holiday season started as usual. However, the hard times came on the week before thanksgiving. This week is a very busy part of the year for me because I happen to work in retail AND the grocery business. It’s really a double whammy during the holiday season. It was a bit hard for me to fit anything in during that week. This lack of free time then caused me to not be able to contribute to the Thanksgiving feast as much as I had hoped. I did manage to make brussels sprouts because that didn’t require too much of my time and I love brussels sprouts anyway. 

Thanksgiving 2012

Yes, Even Elly gets a seat at
Thanksgiving. 

I had a lovely dinner with my family and was even joined by my Aunt Nat and her soon to be husband Pete again this year. Dinner was D-lish thanks to the hard work of mainly my sister and the rest of the family for bringing stuff to help out. We really work well as a unit when putting a gathering together thats for sure. My brother handled drinks again this year and did an excellent job. Thanksgiving dinner was calm and peaceful. For me the main problem I had was that I was just so tired both before the meal and after the meal that I really wasn’t all that lively. I mean I interacted with my family, but in many ways I was on auto pilot. We rounded off the night with some family bingo! What is it about bingo that is so much fun to play with your family? Well, for my family its a good game because it doesn’t take too much skill so in turn we can continue to talk and joke around with each other as we play. Also, my family is good at coming up with some cheesy & fun prizes to win. So, last year at Thanksgiving we played bingo as well so I guess it’s starting to become a tradition. My lovely aunt Nat took home most of the prizes during last years session of bingo. This year I was determined to change that. It took a lot of patients and sticking with one bingo card, but I did it. I ended up with 4 bingos. Oddly enough I don’t think that my aunt Nat even got a single bingo this year. Pete did however and maybe that was only because he was sitting next to me with the hot card! Funny how the three men at Thanksgiving were all at one end of the table both when eating and playing bingo. There was much said between us three and lots of laughing as well. So, glad Pete is going to officially join our family over this coming summer. So, after all the bingo prizes had been handed out we all said our goodbyes and gave each other some good hugs. When I was a kid it seemed like Thanksgiving and Christmas were so far apart. Now days it seems like Thanksgiving its just a brief warm up to Christmas and that I wasn’t really saying goodbye to my family so much as to say I will see you next week. After the thanksgiving festivities I got home and it was back to focusing on homework. 

Fast forward for a brief second and here we are at the Christmas season. Which for me happened to be around the 13th of December when I took my last final. Everything else that I do for Christmas couldn’t start till my finals for the term were done. One of those important Christmas tasks was getting my real Christmas tree. For me getting the Christmas tree is usually as soon as I can after Thanksgiving is over. Unfortunately this year for me money was tight after Thanksgiving when I had the time to get the tree. Then as it moved into December I had the money, but because of finals I did not have the time. So, I ended up getting my tree the second weekend in December and all was well. This year I decided to do my blue and silver tree that I have always talked about. I think it turned out very nice I do have to say. It was also the first year that I went with all white lights. I felt quite accomplished with it once it was done and it felt wonderful to have it in my living room. The Christmas tree is one of my favorite parts of Christmas. 

My big Christmas tree

Some of the other things that I like to do during Christmas time is make sugar cookies. This year that didn’t really work out. It was during my attempt of making those sugar cookies that I realized that I was trying to do too much. Here I was out of school on holiday break and all I seemed to be doing with that extra time was going going going. So, I took a step back and let somethings go. I tried to let myself relax a bit and get some extra rest in. One thing I couldn’t skip however was my Christmas shopping. So there I was ten days (technically) that I had to get all the gifts I needed for Christmas Day. So, I called on my mom to help me out. She really came through and helped me quite a bit. We even got to have lunch together and just hangout. The real problem however was that I really only had two days to shop because as I would find out when going back into work after my weekend that I was scheduled to work seven days straight until Christmas Day. Yay me! *gives my wonderful cheesy smile*...did I mention that I didn’t get my normal days off either. Those weekend days that would have been perfect for Christmas since Christmas Day was on a Tuesday and I normally have Sunday/Monday off. NOPE! This is retail people and it doesn’t matter if you are working for the friendliest store in town if its a holiday and there is money to be made then you will be there. So I was. I will say though that by day five of my seven day stretch I was really starting to fade. 

On the first day of my holiday
break I got to see the midnight
showing of The Hobbit with
my brother, Erica, and Jason
Hooker.
So awesome!

I think it is important to mention that even with the busy schedule I had for Christmas this year that I made some time to see some of my friends. Two of these friends I got to see live out of state. One of those friends I was able to squeeze in my schedule was a visit with my friend Kelly Murphy. I had also seen her around Thanksgiving time of this year as well. Reconnecting around Thanksgiving time seems to be the tradition with us. It’s kind of a running joke that when I would see her at Thanksgiving time that I would always tell her when saying goodbye that I will see her next Thanksgiving. When she came to see me at Christmas she brought me a waffle maker that apparently she had no need for. Something you may not know about me is that I have been trying to get myself to buy a waffle maker for myself over the last few years, but I just never had the extra money to buy one. She seemed happy to get rid of it because she didn’t really use it. Bingo! I also got to see my other friend Emily Miller and her husband Lane while I was at work (imagine that...) and although are time was extremely short she gave me a really good hug that should tide me over till I can see her again. Life is busy and sometimes that is just how it turns out. I’m just glad that I got to see her while she was in town. I also got to watch the 49er’s Sunday night game against the Seachickens a couple days before Christmas Day with on of my best friends Justin Jones. We have both been 49er fans since we were kids. I still have yet to buy my own 49ers custom jersey so when I came over to his house to watch the game he gave me his old Steve Young jersey to wear while watching the game. As it turned out it was a horrible game for the Niners, but I was in great company which means more to me than any win. It was so wonderful to see his kids before Christmas. Hannah his daughter sat with me most of the game and she brushed my hair and tried to put make up on me. Oh man she is growing up so fast. I say it all the time, but really I AM a very lucky guy and I know so many great people. Thank you. 

Me and My best friend Justin Jones
49ers 4Life!

So, back to me slowly falling apart. Here I was out of school and should be living it up and all I did was try to stay afloat. The only thing that I did for fun really was reading. Which by the way I did finish Clash of Kings by George R. R. Martin that I started over the summer and stopped when school started. That was one of my goals for holiday break and I’m happy I accomplished that. I realize also that I wasn’t the only one busy with the holiday season and so there was many people I didn’t have time to do anything with unfortunately. So I slept, ate, and worked. For some reason I couldn’t sleep very well either to make matters worse. Gee isn’t being a grown up so much fun?

So, now moving forward to Christmas Eve. Normally I don’t mind working Christmas Eve to be honest its usually the most relaxed day to work because we are usually extremely over staffed and everyone is usually in a good mood. This year however it was hard to find the jolliness inside me I have to admit. As the day went on I did better though. I ended my shift at work by going around and giving many hugs. Not just any hug though, these were the kind of hugs I train all year for. Then after I said many goodbyes I made my way home to prepare for the arrival of my brother. Now, at this point I probably should just go to bed and be fresh for the next day since the next day was Christmas Day and all, but it is tradition for my brother and I to get together and play games till what ever time we see fit. I was determined not to let my seven days straight of work get in the way of this tradition. I did however take about a 45 minute nap. My brother finally showed up and we gamed until the wee hours of the morning. As tired I was it was so worth the fun we had and laughs we shared.

Christmas morning....was slow to start for my brother and I. I did manage to get up and take a shower and do some prep work for the Christmas breakfast I was scheduled to make as my food contribution to the day. Christmas at my sister’s Magic Cottage is something else I will say. My sister always does a great job making her home welcoming and festive. Right when we got there I made my way into the kitchen and went to work. The menu for Christmas breakfast was Pancakes (some with cranberries and some without), eggs, turkey bacon, pork bacon, and some sweet potatoes with bell peppers and rosemary. It all turned out quite d-lish. When I was done cooking I found my favorite chair, sat my heine down on it, and didn’t move unless I had too. I did interact with my family, but I wasn’t as lively or jolly as I normally am on Christmas. My sister put in the movie White Christmas. We all watched the movie and made comments about the movie collectively. It was fun talking about the movie White Christmas even after we have all seen it many times before (with the exception of my brothers girlfriend Erica) and also watching it with my grandma because she knew more about what life was like back when the movie was made. We caught some stuff that I hadn’t noticed before. It was just really relaxing being around my family. I don’t want to give you the impression that we are just this perfect family that doesn’t fight or have issues. There was a bit of arguing between my sister and mom about what time we were told to show up at my sisters earlier that morning, but that blew over eventually. I still think overall we do work well as a unit and it has taken some years to get to that point.  

I didn't know this picture existed till I was putting my blog
together, but I love it!

Chef Heine.
Yep, people ate this guys food. 

My sisters Christmas tree

Then around 2 o’clock my aunt Nat, her boyfriend Pete, and Pete’s mom Mary showed up to join the fun. We gathered around the 7 foot tall Christmas tree that I helped my sister get weeks earlier. Presents were then passed out by my sister and Pete. Then slowly one by one each present was opened and enjoyed. Awesome the presents I got to give and receive. Again, this year I was impressed with the gifts given. My brother’s gift to my aunt Nat was by far the best gift of them all. My aunt Nat is a wonderfully talented artist and has done many pieces of artwork for the family and others. My brother bought her a sketchbook for Christmas, but that wasn’t really the gift at all. Inside the sketch book he wrote a letter to my aunt that she read out loud to everyone. It was a very moving letter that basically told her what an impact her art had on him as a kid and asking her to make a new piece of artwork for him to have at his home. Awesome. Those are the presents you can NOT put a value on. We did a drawing for secret Santas at Thanksgiving to select one person to do someones stocking and another person to get a gift. I was lucky enough to get my grandma as my secret Santa for both and she didn’t disappoint. She made up for the smaller size 49ers socks I got last year with some really good ones this year. She got me lots of fun things like The Avengers movie and the newest Mumford and Sons CD. She also got me my favorite candy bar called a Mahalo bar which is like an almond joy (but sooooo much better!) but is vegan & gluten free. My brother got me 4 bottles of the Cholula hot sauce which is also one of my favorite things (two original, one chipotle, and one chili lime) and a helicopter model kit (thats a present taking it back to when we were younger). My mom got me a set of 4 M&M Christmas ornaments that are really cool. Unfortunately, I have to wait till next year to use them, but they will look awesome on the tree next year. Pete and Nat got me and my brother some remote controlled helicopters....you’re never too old to be a kid damn it! 

Erica my brothers girlfriend got me some nice smelling body wash. What was even cooler about her gift was she put a two dollar bill in with the tissue paper. Now that might not mean anything to many people, but to me it meant a whole lot. See two dollar bills always remind me of my father because I use to see him buy bundles of them from the bank to keep them in circulation when I was a kid. So, after he died for a long time when I came across a two dollar bill I bought it and kept it. I had collected quite a few of them till times got hard and I needed the money. Seeing that two dollar bill as I was opening that present brought back a really great memory for me. It’s the little details in life people not the amount of money spent. Last, but definitely not least was my sisters gift. She didn’t have much money to spend this Christmas so she tapped in to one of her many talents and made some jam for everyone. Now, this is not just any ordinary jam mind you. This jam included the raspberries picked in her own back yard over the summer and some of the d-licious hood strawberries that are only found in Oregon in June and July. I just tried the jam recently on a waffle (thanks again Kelly!) and it was soooooo wonderful.

Here is my sisters jam in action

 As for the gifts I gave I was secret Santa for my brother and I got him a Lord of the Rings board game and a Hobbit card game. Which only seemed appropriate since we had seen the new Hobbit movie in the theater the week before Christmas. Later Christmas night we tried out the Hobbit Card game and it seemed pretty fun. I was my mom's secret Santa for her stocking so I got her the Thor movie, some moonstruck holiday candies, and lots of Hershey candies as well. For my sister I got her the game Awkward Family Photos and a funny book about garden gnomes. My Grandma I got her a Crossword puzzle book that is a small enough in size that it will be easy to take on the go. I got Pete a football because for being a high school football coach when visiting him over the summer at his house during our family reunion he didn’t have a damn football to throw around. For Erica I got her this card game called NUTS! We didn’t get to try it out, but it looked really fun. For my aunt Nat I didn’t finish making her a music CD that I was planning to give to her for Christmas, but I still plan to make it for her soon and mailing it to her. I’m not sure exactly what kind of music she is into, but I like the challenge of putting together a CD for someone. Glad to see that my family didn’t spend a fortune, but found some really great things to give. 

My aunt Nat opening a gift

Oh Elly... =)

Pete and Pete's mother Mary(top left). Also, my sister
 (top right)and my Grandma(bottom left) 

After presents we all just kind of sat around, talked, and relaxed.  Mean while my sister went to work making the beef stew for dinner. Snacks were set on the table and we all munched and mingled. I spent a good amount of time talking to my grandma about what Christmas time was like for her when she was younger. I think its very important to know your families history. Heck, I enjoy talking to my grandma always. When dinner was finished the day started to slow down and then Nat, Pete, and Mary had to leave because they had a long drive back home. Then my mom and grandma left shortly after. 

I LOVE this pic of my brother. lol

My lovely sister

 I can see you smiling mom! = )

My grandma

So, it was down to my sister, my brother, Erica, myself and a game called Awkward Family Photos. Now from the beginning of this entry you know that I’m running on empty and barely staying afloat, but I’m a gamer and I really wanted to try the game out. The game itself is quite fun given the right crowd to play it with. Turns out being as tired and loopy as I was I think made the game so much better. There was one photo in particular that we needed to make a comment on that put me into laughter that had me crying. Much needed by all of us and we played quite a few rounds before we ended the night. 

My sister, Erica, My brother, me, and ummmm
Plastic Santa!

This is why I say Bingo! to this holiday season of 2012. All of what happened for this holiday season was just what I needed. From a wonderful Thanksgiving to some quality time spent with good friends to my whole time spent Christmas Eve and day. I didn’t feel too stressed about the holidays in general I just was really tired. There has been many years spent by my family of trying to figure out what exactly Christmas is and I think that my family and I have started to figure that out. Bingo!  This also was my first term of college going through the holidays season. I think I will prepare myself a bit better next year and make it so I can be more awake to enjoy all of what goes on. I just feel lucky that I have the family that I do and that I don’t spend the holiday stressed out and angry. It’s sad the amount of people I know who have to drink to make it through the holidays. I feel very lucky not to be one of those people. Till next year I suppose and I will say goodbye to the 31st holiday season I have experienced in my lifetime. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas as well and it was everything you needed. 

All hung on the railing with car...

As always I send this to you with love and pure D-lite. = ) 

Time to get lifted...

Big shout out to my brother for posting this a few days ago. I'm so very grateful he did. It's only fitting for he was the person responsible for introducing me to this band. The video he posted was of a a new song from a band very close to my heart and also to my brother Justin and my sister Paula as well. Talk about the right music at the right time. I have posted a few of Angels and Airwaves songs over the years and explained there impact on me, but I don't think everyone gets how much this band is a part of me. If you ever want to understand where is it my soul vibrates at then you would have to dig in to the music that AVA makes. Angels and Airwaves is much more than what Tom Delong is doing after he left Blink182. I heard this song and was instantly moved. The sad part is this song is just one of three new songs coming out on a double disk of remixes of their other music, but as I told my brother if it had just been this one song I would have been perfectly fine. There is something immensely powerful about this music. Even now after I have tried to give you some idea of what this music does to me you probably still won't get it. To those that do like my sister Paula Heine, My brother Justin Vaughn, and my friend Malinda Carsner you know the impact of this music. Tom first comes in at the beginning of the video and talks in a robot voice saying some really important things:

 "Passion and Intensity its a complex fusion,
we are catapulted towards death,
The mystic I adore is the beating heart of those I share my life with,
This is their legacy in obscene glances laced in silver."

Those are some powerful phrases worth some pause. I love the line "the mystic I adore is the beating hear of those I share my life with" It's true for each person that has been in my life. Thank you.
Most of the song is just music, but Tom does come in later in the song and say some lyrics that are just wonderful and as soon as his voice comes in I could just lift off and fly away. Off this planet and through the cosmos. Have you ever felt this? That feeling of immense freedom....
The feeling that nothing can hold you back? Thats how this song makes me feel.

"Breathe.
Looking up to heaven. Taking in the ray of light.
Stretching across the long coast. Falling back to past time.
Asleep in the wallow. Crying and shivering. Hunting for your sorrow.
Bending down to hold it. Shiver like you're gonna try. Scatters like it did
This.
Killing off your habit.
Take me as your servant. Take me as your weapon. Take me as your courage.
Take me as your servant. Take me as your servant.
Take me as your servant."

No ones quite knows what it has taken me to find myself again and it isn't so much all the lyrics its mainly just the music. When I hear their music I feel at peace and the world makes sense to me at least for the moment. I didn't know how far I had gone astray. But where ever I go Angels and Airwaves brings me back to what it is I'm looking for. From the bottom of my heart I wish I could thank them personally for I don't even think they truly understand the powerful movement they are a part of. Towards the end Tom says more in the robot voice saying:

“I like writing,
I do this to amuse myself,
It’s my life and I only get one go round,
This was the result,
Life is tentative, fragile, and haunting
and these are the memories gorgeous.
and WELCOME HOME."

I do like writing, but its more than just writing to amusing myself. Writing is me and there is more to come. Thank you for the support to express myself in this way. You have no idea what it means to me an what I have become because of this. Thank you is not enough, but it will have to do.

With things like hurricane Sandy damaging the east coast and now getting hit with big snow storms and just the planet it's self changing. There can be no denying that there is many things in life beyond our control. That regardless of your believes or where you are in life it is time we must look to adapt and evolve to something greater than is ourselves.

As always I bring this to you with LOVE. = )

Reflections of a summer vacation....

I wanted to sit down and reflect on my vacation while spending the last night in my hotel room alone because there was so much going through me head, but just couldn’t fight my body tiring out on me after all the go go go of the last part of my vacation. So, I chose sleep instead which if you know me well is quite different for me. I have good reason to be tired too because on my vacation I have been all over the place. So, I’m currently writing this on the train ride from Seattle back to Portland. It’s hard to take my eyes of the scenery out the windows as I sit in business class. I spent the first hour or so on the train looking out the windows soaking up the beautiful weather that the Pacific northwest is providing today. This is the kind of day that keeps me here in the pacific northwest even though I know that fall is right around the corner. These beautiful summer days in the northwest are the things that help me make it through the very rainy and gray days of winter. There are very few clouds in the sky today and the clouds that are in the sky happen to be far off on the horizon. These clouds seemed to be perfectly placed as bumper between where the sky blue stops and the luscious green of the distant hills begins. Not sure what major mountain I even saw out my window on the left of the train in the distance. All I know was it was large enough to stop what I was doing and take a picture. In the picture that I took the mountain turned out to be quite a bit smaller than seeing it with my own eyes out the window by my seat, but regardless it’s still beautiful enough. Currently to my right the tracks are very close to water of the sound area in the state of Washington. At some points the pacific ocean seems to not be moving at all. Like a beautiful sheet of glass just reflecting all that is above it. The water is so close at times you might think of opening the door at the end of the car and just diving right in. Oh my I’m getting distracted again let me get back to my vacation. 

This is the beautiful mountain I speak of. 

     There really is so much I want to say that I can’t really put it in one blog entry without writing a short novel. I will say on this vacation I have learned many things about myself. From the fun times spent with my family at the second year of the family reunion for my mom’s side of the family to the last night spent alone in my hotel room. I’m always learning things about myself. The more I listen to myself the more I hear. I know I needed this vacation and I like the way it turned out overall, but at the same time there is much about my life that is very important for me that goes on in my daily routine that helps keep me on track to where I’m going with my life. The couple months leading up to my vacation I have gotten in a very good rhythm with myself. By that I mean I’m working out regularly, I have been eating correctly, and sleeping consistently. It was tough to step away from all of that and go on vacation to be honest. The good news for the first time I don’t have as much depression from coming off my vacation as I normally do. This time I’m really looking forward to getting back at my daily routine. Quite a bit actually. I’m really making a push these days to get to a new me and this vacation has kind of been a speed bump for me. I do want to mention that I have gotten better at eating on vacation even with all my diet restrictions. I still have much room to improve though. I chose not to count my calories at all while on vacation. I wanted to truly take a break from one  of the more annoying parts of my daily routine. I did however make many different eating choices while on vacation because I know how many calories are in certain things off the top of my head. So, in a way because of how far I have come I'm always keeping track in my head. I also made choices during my vacation not to eat certain things and go hungry till I could eat something better for me. Problem with that is most of the time I ate too much when I got back to my hotel room. Even if it was stuff I could eat back in the hotel room I ate almost like I did when I was younger meaning that I ate like I didn’t know when the next meal was coming. The trade off is I did have to do a lot of physical work on my vacation mostly walking and a bit of badminton (which I loved!). So, hopefully when I step on the scale next time I won’t be too mad. My vacation was really three different parts and so accompanying this blog entry I will probably be doing three different blog entries to really get into depth of what I did and what I learned from each part of my vacation. I have been for the most part to save money living off peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. I have eaten my last two on this train ride home. Again, I spent too much money during this trip. Ugh. I need to work on that too. Also, my head recently I has been having some issues lately similar to how my head felt after my bike accident. This is my major frustration with my life, that even though I’m working really hard at all levels of myself there is always something popping up that I need to deal with. I know that life won’t ever stop, but a year or two break from some of this stuff would be nice. I know wishful thinking. So, I push forward. Onward till I make it home again. I have enjoyed my vacation, but I’m really excited to be home again. I do love riding the train because it’s the closest thing I have to spending time with my dad. Ok, I think I’m going to end for now. Thanks for listening to me ramble and unload my brain I think that I will go back to looking out the window. 

Just had to take a pic for my dad. What
a wonderful color of red! =)

As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-lite. = )

Do guys have fat days too?

Absolutely. In fact, I probably have them more than most of the women I know. You're probably thinking for those that have followed my progress over this blog, or just my progress in my life in general, that how can he still have struggles with this issue when he has made so much progress? Well I do. I mean I have lost somewhere around 150 plus pounds since I was at my largest size. If you think about it 150 pounds is a whole other person. The struggles I have when it comes to this subject goes very deep with me. I have said before that I am not done with my journey to the body I want. It's a process and with every pound that is shed off this body it reveals an emotion or wound that was covered up. There have definitely been points along this road that have leveled off from the ups and downs this path has taken me. Each time it has leveled off it is a struggle to keep pushing forward without progress, whether its up or down. Sometimes, I have to keep going without even a hill in the distance to give me that push to keep driving straight knowing that there is an upside to the hard work that I’m doing everyday. Faith is sometimes not enough to keep me above the pain that is deep inside me. This isn’t the only time I have felt this stuck. Everyday it seems I have to remind myself of the thought that when I was 350 pounds plus I never thought I would be where I am with my body right now. It seems though that the smaller amount of weight I need to lose the harder it gets. So, lately I have been very reserved and not my normal happy self. Those that know me well can see it written all over my face. They may not know exactly why I have been feeling the way I have been, but they know something is going on deep within myself. Well the truth of the matter is I’m digging deep within myself. Excuse my language, but “ I’m digging through the shit” is the exact words I used when talking to my sister about what was going on with me. What is it that's blocking my vision of the future me and where I want to be? Lots of things, but I would like to talk about some of the biggest issues I have been facing of late. 

This is me in 2005 after my father died
and I got serious about changing my life.
I wanted these pictures to remind
me of where I started. 

What the hell
was going on with my hair? I
think I just work up. lol

First problem I have point blank is I’M TIRED OF BEING FAT. I know that seems so trivial. I mean who likes being fat anyway, right? I have spent most of my life fat, but not just fat. Technically I have been morbidly obese. I hate it. In fact, medically speaking, even with all the weight I have lost I’m still currently in the obese category. I hate how much of my life was cut short by not being able to be free of the weight holding me down. I’m sick of it. Beyond sick of it. There is one thing that continually keeps feeding this thought of being fat. It's the mirror in the employee bathrooms at my work. I hate that mirror so much. When I look at myself in that mirror it doesn't matter how far I have come, how hard I work, or where I'm at now. My reflection in that mirror just slaps me in the face with the reality, "you're fat". The weird part is not every mirror makes feel this way. Sure I don't look perfect in the mirror in my bathroom at my house, but I feel ok with where my body is when I look at my reflection in that mirror. It's that damn mirror in the bathroom at work that won't let me get up and over this feeling. This is the mirror I see five days a week. The mirror I change in front of from my bike gear to my work clothes and back again. Doing anything in front of this mirror allows me to see everything. I'm not the only person to feel this way about that mirror from the few people I have opened up to and asked about it that I work with. Well that made me feel a little better, but not enough. This mirror connects directly to the pain inside me and helps it grow. So you would probably say to me, “Its just a mirror. Don’t let it get you down. Let it go. It's probably the lighting in that bathroom or something don't let it get to you.” I know because those are all things I have already said to myself. But every week when I start my work week there is that damn mirror, haunting me and reminding me. What you need to understand is I'm not just trying to lose a few pounds to be healthy. I want that feeling of being proud of the body I am in when I look in any mirror. 

Just using this picture to
show that I wasn't always fat.

And then it began.... I'm a
bit more than "Husky" now...
Just look at how big my
earlobe is. lol

Again with that damn hair...lol

Next up,lets talk about pictures and what I see when I look at pictures of me both old and new. When looking at pictures of me that are current I actually sort of feel okay with myself, but I’m still not ever 100% ok with the person in the picture. I know this is very common not very many people feel photogenic, but there has to be a better way then how I feel when I look at pictures of myself. Sure when I look at really old pictures I can see the progress and say I’m not that person anymore. But current pictures that is another story. Anyone would laugh if they knew how much time really goes into taking each picture I take of myself and share with the world. One simple pic could look like a whole days photo shoot on my camera roll on my iphone. With each great picture of myself that I like there, is always something being hidden. Certain things that I do to help hide myself are as simple as only taking shots of me only from the shoulders up, turned a certain way in the mirror, or even just taken when I’m wearing certain clothes. To go even further with this thought of hiding myself, I do it subconsciously as well. I thought about this the other day when I was looking at my face in the mirror. I have a scar thats up above my left eye that was from a surgery years ago to remove a benign cyst. Well why does this matter? Years ago I started wearing my baseball hat with the bill off to the left side. I couldn't figure out why I chose to wear it on the left side and not the right. It was my scar from the surgery. I was trying hide it and I didn't even realize I was doing that to myself. Interesting part about this scar is it really doesn’t bother me much even when I’m not wearing a hat. I have come a long way, but I’m still hiding. The reason I hide is because I’m not quite where I want to be yet. 

Now heading into my teenage years

All I know is I made my
co-workers laugh and in
the end that is what I
love to do the most.
Make laughter.

Now, since we are talking about hiding another sore subject with myself is my material self that covers up my outside. I know everyone can relate to the process in which we dress ourselves. I have lost a lot of weight and feel the best I have ever felt  about myself in my entire life. Even with this feeling of greatness, if you look in my closet most of my clothes are still dark colored. I’m definitely not on the level to rock a pink polo like I have told myself I would when I get to my desired weight. One day I will. I dread stupid things like wearing white unless it’s on the bottom half of me. Most of my shirts are black, so much in fact you would think that I’m goth or something. I even went running in my neighborhood this summer when it was around 90 degrees in a black shirt. Yes, because even in the blazing heat of the sun I was still trying to hide my fat as much as I could. Even when I’m out doing something that is helping to take care of what I’m still hiding. That’s how pained I am about this subject. I use to get scared when anyone would asked me to go to some event that required formal attire. I had a hard enough time finding casual clothes to wear. Getting formal clothes was even more degrading to my self esteem. I can’t wait till the day I feel comfortable wearing anything I like. I mean even when I go to the store to try on clothes I have to work myself through it. I always have to tell myself to be okay with where I am “right now” and find the things I feel the most comfortable in. Thankfully, I have lost enough weight that makes it easier to do this process because I can find clothes that fit. Still many things I want to wear are turned away in this process. Even with all the progress I have made I’m still tired of this process. So sick of playing this game with myself. Now I know granted even the most fit people don’t just put anything on and it looks good, but I know their freedom to wear whatever they want is a lot better than mine. I want that freedom and I’m going to get that freedom.  

Me at prom. The woman in the picture
was one of many woman that walked
all over my heart. 

Captain Heine ARRRRRRgh!

Senior picture.

This process of tearing through all the hurtful things I got called over the years to getting turned down by every girl I liked till even into my early twenties. My struggles with women have gone on for my whole life actually. One of the most painful moments I can remember was on one of the nights I was hanging out with my mom. I remember towards the end of that night as I was eating a banana slit at dairy queen with her when I asked, "Why don't any of the girls like me?". I don't even remember my moms response. I just remember crying so hard. Really hard. That’s all I remember after asking my mom that question was, just me crying uncontrollably. I cry even now as I think about that moment and read what I just wrote. She said something sweet to me I know she did. My mom always made me feel like I was greater than I was and I suppose that is what a good mom should do. She was the one woman besides my sisters that always loved me no matter what. Looking back to when I was very young during the first and second grade era I actually got a lot of attention from girls. Now, I know looks aren’t everything and the body shouldn’t be all of what someone looks at, but once I started to put on weight in third grade it kicked that attention from women out the door. This happened at a young age and stayed that way till my early 20’s. I understand now that if I’m truly going to find the healthy relationship with someone that has the same values about and is heading towards similar goals with themselves is I have to get there myself and project that. This is not to say there is anything wrong with those people out there with extra weight on themselves. We are all struggling. The difference for me is when I get attention from people like that I see the pain and the hurt. It’s going to sound selfish, but I am heading in the other direction. There is no person on this planet that doesn’t come without baggage, but unless they are really doing the same work as myself I can’t add their baggage on to my heavy load that I’m already digging through and getting rid of myself. This isn’t to say that I haven’t gotten attention at all from women over the years. Because I have and some really nice women actually, but none of them quite helped me get where I want to go. My last relationship probably being the best. Even still there were things that weren’t helping either. So here is the deal, I have always said that I want to match the outside of body with the inside. I’m proud of the person I have become on the inside now it’s time for the outside to catch up.

Not thrilled to have this pic taken and I'm sure you
can see why. 

Me at Hagg Lake still rocking the Blonde Highlights.
I was the lead singer of the heavier version of the
Backstreet boys. 

My 21st Birthday. I really look like my dad here.
Just that look on my face. Oh and I look very
drunk too. lol 

So, before I conclude this entry I feel like I need to explain exactly what I mean by being proud of the body I have and what that body looks like to the world. Well to start off a good example of what I realized I wanted came from a recent rafting trip I went on. I’m always looking for examples of the kind of fit body that I want. On the rafting trip that I just went on showed me what it is I think I have been looking for. I saw a few men on the trip that showed me the confidence that I want with my body and self.  These guys are not like super tone or built like guys on the front of a muscle builder magazine. They were just simple guys and very normal looking guys. These men did something with confidence that I haven’t been able to do and be ok with since I was a very young child. That thing I am talking about is to be able go around without a shirt on. See its not just about being sexy or attractive to the others. For me is I just want to be comfortable in my own body just the way it is. I spend majority of my time spent at my house in my birthday suit, but when I step outside all I do is hide. No that doesn’t mean I’m trying to get to the point that I can walk around nude. I just want to be comfortable just being me no matter where I am in the world or what I look like in the world. It’s confidence in myself that I’m looking for. 

Me at Christmas time rocking 49ers gear

My buddy J.J. and me in tuxedos
for my buddy Braits wedding. 

Me at Multnomah Falls in the fall.
Look at my hand it looks HUGE
in the pic. lol

So, there you have it. Guys have fat days too. Or now you at least know I do. Yes, I have hard time looking at myself in the mirror, I spend a lot of time trying to decide what I wear, I have had struggles between weight and women, and I’m not fully comfortable with where I am as a whole...YET. Ending that last sentence with the word  “yet” might be the most powerful thing in this whole blog entry. Because this story about my body has not ended. So, what do I do to change this. Blame my parents, genetics, society, or even myself. NO. The answer is the same as it’s always been. Keep digging through all pain until all this garbage is taken out. For the only person that can change any of this is me. I have made my body this way and I will be the one to get it back to where I want it to be. People can help guide you, but it’s me that always has to do the work. I have to get myself to the gym, I have to face myself in the mirror, I have to say no to the food that does not help me, and I’m the one that has to try harder. I will leave you also with some powerful words that my therapist told me and it really made sense to me. She said, “You have every right to be here, wear what you want to wear,  and just take up space in this world. You have worked hard and you keep working hard which gives you every right to be you right now”. It’s so true I need to stop hiding and own the person I am and have built. I really do like myself and it’s time to start showing my body that by creating a new relationship with this body. To  change the story that this body has been telling for most of my life and rewrite all the thoughts that have held me back from the person I want to be. Because no matter what anyone else ever says about my body it will never be true until I know it is. So, keep pushing Derrick. You are NOT done Derrick. This is not the complete Derrick. You can do better Derrick. Lastly, here is a word to my future self. I will see you soon and I can’t wait to see you.  

The newer me at my 30th birthday party.

Me showing how much I have lost since I
wore that shirt to my dad's funeral
in 2004. 

Very few whole body shots are taken of
me so I thought I would share one more.

 As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-lite. You may ask yourself why did I get so personal? Well, you know what? I am not the only one out there in this world that has feelings like I do about body image and if I just reach one person to let them know that they are worth it.Then its been worth every moment of pain or tear shed while working on this and myself. Because in the end we are all worth it. To move forward we must move through the past and let go. Take care. LOVE. = )

Me giving that mirror at work
my angry face.

Me trying to be ok with
me in that mirror.
=)

Feels good to be back.

Well, hello there....its been awhile hasn’t it. If you haven’t been following me on Facebook then you wouldn’t know that I have recently started going back to school. It took me a long time to make that decision, but after one term I feel like it was a good decision for myself. I'm still not quite sure what I am going to school for exactly, but I think working that out while going to school will help me. It’s been very nice to get that feeling of encouragement and that feeling of being smart again. It’s building confidence to push me to higher things. Things like trigonometry and calculus use to be things I thought of as only what the “smart people” do. I have broken through that feeling after talking to my math teacher last term and a coworker who is a math major. I don’t know if I will be the best at them, but I know that I'm no longer scared to take them on. That kind of thinking has been a very good improvement for myself and I am proud of myself for taking that step. 

So the two classes I took this last spring term was a math class and writing class. Math is still at a review level for me so I don’t want to talk about that much. What I do want to talk about is my writing class. Because I have found through this blog that writing is a good outlet and a powerful tool for me. I am a man of many ideas and thoughts and its very nice to have an audience that enjoys and respects that. So, I know there isn’t millions of people reading this blog, but I want to take the time to thank those that do. 

So thank you for listening and being a part of my life. = )

So, I haven’t posted an entry since March and that was very shortly before I started school. I didn’t however stop writing, my writing just became writing of a different sort. I’m out of school for the summer and want to take this time to catch you up and share the many things that are on my and have been on my mind over the last few months. I plan to share as many blog entries that I can over the summer before I start school again in the fall. So to kick things off I thought I might share one of the three papers I wrote for my writing class. It is the one I'm the most proud of. I got a B on it and I was a little discouraged by that at first. As I explained to many people who helped keep me stay positive about my writing that in the past I have gotten B’s I want to get A’s. I’m not just in school to “pass” I want to excel. I kept at it and didn’t get the A+ I wanted till the last paper and thankfully that one was worth the most points towards my grade. I did however learn a lot trying to push myself to get that A. It’s always a lesson and I am in school to learn.  I will say goodbye for now and pass you off to my paper about the feeling of place. What is place to you?

As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-Lite. = ) 

Home Within a Home

I have lived here in this apartment for over 3 years now. Everything inside this place is connected to me. From the moment I wake up in the morning to get ready for the day, to when I walk through the door after a long day of work. I have worked hard to make this place I call home. It is not the structure itself or the location itself that makes this place I live on earth my special place. It really is so much more.

Every year I take a step back and reassess my apartment and take time to get rid of anything that is cluttering up my space to keep things open. This was an important thing to keep in mind when implementing some feng shui techniques in my apartment. It’s as simple as walking through your front door and as you do, think about these thoughts, “Do I feel welcome? What are the first things I see? How do I feel when entering this place?” When I walk through the door of my apartment, I feel blessed to have a physical place to rest my head and that this is where I belong. The first thing that I see when I step into my home is my kitchen where I spend much of time cooking meals for myself, my family, and my friends. It is a place I feel very at home in because of the time spent there. The feelings I get when I enter my home are relief, freedom, and happiness. Not only do I feel free to be free and open in my apartment, I try very hard to allow those that come into my space to have the same freedom. To have a place that is free to say how you feel, be who you really are, and to be open to anything. The author Terry Tempest Williams in her essay “One Tree” talks about being humbled by the presence of this beautiful cottonwood tree near where she lives when she says, “In the presence of this tree, I am reduced to exactly what I am, simply another life form” (Williams). Walking into my place is very humbling to me. There is no distractions from the outside world. In my apartment I am surrounded by the things I love and things that make me who I am. No matter what life is outside my home, here in my home I am extremely humbled. Not only does my space provide a base of who I am, but my home also has always been a tool to help expand on the person I am. 

There are many physical things in my apartment that have become a part of what is home to me. Many of the things in my apartment are reminders or reflections to myself of who I am. Reminding myself of the things that make up who I am is very important to me, as it makes me feel at home within myself. Music is an important part of my life and has always been part of my home. Besides my CD collection taking up a big portion of the living room, there usually is music playing in the background. That has been carried over from when I was at my father’s house growing up. There is something so relaxing and refreshing to me about music playing. Even the simple things like sitting on my couch and looking out the window brings such peace to me. The plants on my patio are always inviting and welcoming to me and help keep me connected to nature even though I live within the city limits. Then there is my extremely comfortable bed that I love so dearly as well. Because what is having a place to rest your head if you don’t have an excellent place to actually do that? These things help me keep track of who I am no matter where I go and that is why I feel they are important part of my home and that I feel I can pack my home up and move anywhere. 

There are many great things about the environment surrounding the location I live in currently. But if I was given the opportunity to live in a different location, whether similar or very different from where I live right now, I assure you my home would still be very much the same. You think that by living in Oregon my whole life I would completely feel at home here. It’s true there are many great things about Oregon I love, from the vibrant green that fills the state of Oregon during the days of spring to the leaves changing to brilliant colors of yellow, orange, and red in the fall. I also like the fact that I can experience so many different geographical locations without leaving the state. Being able to drive about an hour or two in any direction can give you a nice change of scenery. I have lived in many places within this state since I left my mother’s nest and each one of those places I lived in had things that I find important to a place I call home far past where is was located. Okay, so what if you had to live in Antarctica or in the middle of the desert instead of the lush green vegetation that makes up Oregon. Would that change what is your home? No. For me home is a lot more than the beauty that is around where my home may rest. I have traveled many places and each time I come back to where I live, its not just the beauty and wonder that the state of Oregon has that makes me feel home again. It’s walking through the door at my apartment that gives me this feeling of place. Other things that I like about living where I do is having a family that lives close by so that they can be a part of my daily life, having my own space to create or play, and also a place to just be. Speaking of a place to just be sometimes I will turn everything off in my apartment and open all the windows so that I can hear the freeway near by. That sound of the freeway over the years I have spent here has become as soothing to me as a river flowing down a mountainside, constant and never ending. In the essay “Homeplace” by Scott Russell Sanders he takes a moment to talk about the spiritual side of connecting to a place through words he found from a Zen master named Thich Nhat Hanh. Sanders translates in his own words what that lesson from the Zen master said by saying, “If you stay put, your place may become a holy center, not because it gives you special access to the divine, but because in your stillness you hear what might be heard anywhere” (Sanders 103). This idea of carrying a feeling of place within yourself no matter where you go I think is very powerful. I also feel that if you learn the ability to create that space for yourself in one place you can create it anywhere, it doesn’t matter the location. See having a place in this world to me is more about what travels with you than where exactly those things you bring with you rest or are placed in this world. 

So it may seem that it is my apartment that I call my home from the reasons that I have mentioned, but that would be a little misleading. The fact that I feel at home in my apartment is true, only it’s not the actual apartment I live in itself that that gives me that feeling of being at home. It’s not the airplane landing on the ground of the state I lived my whole life that gives me that feeling of home. It’s not the physical things that I have within my apartment. It’s what those things mean to me that I carry with me from place to place. I have lived in several places in my life and each one felt like home when I lived there. In fact, many people who have visited the places I lived in have told me that my place feels homey. This holds true for the good places I lived in to the not so good places I lived in over the years, each place I have made my home. The items I have or specific things I do to make my home in any place I live have moved with me and have been learned over the course of my time here on this planet and is always evolving with me as I go. I do believe it is important for people to look outward in life at the world around them that makes up or interacts with what they believe to be their home or place in this world. I find it more important to go inward as well to create a home within yourself that can travel wherever you are, because I believe until you find a place within yourself, no matter where you go, it will never feel like home.

1481

Works Cited 

Sanders, Scott Russell. “Homeplace.” Seeing & Writing. Ed. Donald McQuade and Christine McQuade. New York: Bedford, 2000. 101-104. Print.

Williams, Terry Tempest. “One Tree.” Wood Notes Quarterly Summer. 2001. Print.