Do guys have fat days too?

Absolutely. In fact, I probably have them more than most of the women I know. You're probably thinking for those that have followed my progress over this blog, or just my progress in my life in general, that how can he still have struggles with this issue when he has made so much progress? Well I do. I mean I have lost somewhere around 150 plus pounds since I was at my largest size. If you think about it 150 pounds is a whole other person. The struggles I have when it comes to this subject goes very deep with me. I have said before that I am not done with my journey to the body I want. It's a process and with every pound that is shed off this body it reveals an emotion or wound that was covered up. There have definitely been points along this road that have leveled off from the ups and downs this path has taken me. Each time it has leveled off it is a struggle to keep pushing forward without progress, whether its up or down. Sometimes, I have to keep going without even a hill in the distance to give me that push to keep driving straight knowing that there is an upside to the hard work that I’m doing everyday. Faith is sometimes not enough to keep me above the pain that is deep inside me. This isn’t the only time I have felt this stuck. Everyday it seems I have to remind myself of the thought that when I was 350 pounds plus I never thought I would be where I am with my body right now. It seems though that the smaller amount of weight I need to lose the harder it gets. So, lately I have been very reserved and not my normal happy self. Those that know me well can see it written all over my face. They may not know exactly why I have been feeling the way I have been, but they know something is going on deep within myself. Well the truth of the matter is I’m digging deep within myself. Excuse my language, but “ I’m digging through the shit” is the exact words I used when talking to my sister about what was going on with me. What is it that's blocking my vision of the future me and where I want to be? Lots of things, but I would like to talk about some of the biggest issues I have been facing of late. 

This is me in 2005 after my father died
and I got serious about changing my life.
I wanted these pictures to remind
me of where I started. 

What the hell
was going on with my hair? I
think I just work up. lol

First problem I have point blank is I’M TIRED OF BEING FAT. I know that seems so trivial. I mean who likes being fat anyway, right? I have spent most of my life fat, but not just fat. Technically I have been morbidly obese. I hate it. In fact, medically speaking, even with all the weight I have lost I’m still currently in the obese category. I hate how much of my life was cut short by not being able to be free of the weight holding me down. I’m sick of it. Beyond sick of it. There is one thing that continually keeps feeding this thought of being fat. It's the mirror in the employee bathrooms at my work. I hate that mirror so much. When I look at myself in that mirror it doesn't matter how far I have come, how hard I work, or where I'm at now. My reflection in that mirror just slaps me in the face with the reality, "you're fat". The weird part is not every mirror makes feel this way. Sure I don't look perfect in the mirror in my bathroom at my house, but I feel ok with where my body is when I look at my reflection in that mirror. It's that damn mirror in the bathroom at work that won't let me get up and over this feeling. This is the mirror I see five days a week. The mirror I change in front of from my bike gear to my work clothes and back again. Doing anything in front of this mirror allows me to see everything. I'm not the only person to feel this way about that mirror from the few people I have opened up to and asked about it that I work with. Well that made me feel a little better, but not enough. This mirror connects directly to the pain inside me and helps it grow. So you would probably say to me, “Its just a mirror. Don’t let it get you down. Let it go. It's probably the lighting in that bathroom or something don't let it get to you.” I know because those are all things I have already said to myself. But every week when I start my work week there is that damn mirror, haunting me and reminding me. What you need to understand is I'm not just trying to lose a few pounds to be healthy. I want that feeling of being proud of the body I am in when I look in any mirror. 

Just using this picture to
show that I wasn't always fat.

And then it began.... I'm a
bit more than "Husky" now...
Just look at how big my
earlobe is. lol

Again with that damn hair...lol

Next up,lets talk about pictures and what I see when I look at pictures of me both old and new. When looking at pictures of me that are current I actually sort of feel okay with myself, but I’m still not ever 100% ok with the person in the picture. I know this is very common not very many people feel photogenic, but there has to be a better way then how I feel when I look at pictures of myself. Sure when I look at really old pictures I can see the progress and say I’m not that person anymore. But current pictures that is another story. Anyone would laugh if they knew how much time really goes into taking each picture I take of myself and share with the world. One simple pic could look like a whole days photo shoot on my camera roll on my iphone. With each great picture of myself that I like there, is always something being hidden. Certain things that I do to help hide myself are as simple as only taking shots of me only from the shoulders up, turned a certain way in the mirror, or even just taken when I’m wearing certain clothes. To go even further with this thought of hiding myself, I do it subconsciously as well. I thought about this the other day when I was looking at my face in the mirror. I have a scar thats up above my left eye that was from a surgery years ago to remove a benign cyst. Well why does this matter? Years ago I started wearing my baseball hat with the bill off to the left side. I couldn't figure out why I chose to wear it on the left side and not the right. It was my scar from the surgery. I was trying hide it and I didn't even realize I was doing that to myself. Interesting part about this scar is it really doesn’t bother me much even when I’m not wearing a hat. I have come a long way, but I’m still hiding. The reason I hide is because I’m not quite where I want to be yet. 

Now heading into my teenage years

All I know is I made my
co-workers laugh and in
the end that is what I
love to do the most.
Make laughter.

Now, since we are talking about hiding another sore subject with myself is my material self that covers up my outside. I know everyone can relate to the process in which we dress ourselves. I have lost a lot of weight and feel the best I have ever felt  about myself in my entire life. Even with this feeling of greatness, if you look in my closet most of my clothes are still dark colored. I’m definitely not on the level to rock a pink polo like I have told myself I would when I get to my desired weight. One day I will. I dread stupid things like wearing white unless it’s on the bottom half of me. Most of my shirts are black, so much in fact you would think that I’m goth or something. I even went running in my neighborhood this summer when it was around 90 degrees in a black shirt. Yes, because even in the blazing heat of the sun I was still trying to hide my fat as much as I could. Even when I’m out doing something that is helping to take care of what I’m still hiding. That’s how pained I am about this subject. I use to get scared when anyone would asked me to go to some event that required formal attire. I had a hard enough time finding casual clothes to wear. Getting formal clothes was even more degrading to my self esteem. I can’t wait till the day I feel comfortable wearing anything I like. I mean even when I go to the store to try on clothes I have to work myself through it. I always have to tell myself to be okay with where I am “right now” and find the things I feel the most comfortable in. Thankfully, I have lost enough weight that makes it easier to do this process because I can find clothes that fit. Still many things I want to wear are turned away in this process. Even with all the progress I have made I’m still tired of this process. So sick of playing this game with myself. Now I know granted even the most fit people don’t just put anything on and it looks good, but I know their freedom to wear whatever they want is a lot better than mine. I want that freedom and I’m going to get that freedom.  

Me at prom. The woman in the picture
was one of many woman that walked
all over my heart. 

Captain Heine ARRRRRRgh!

Senior picture.

This process of tearing through all the hurtful things I got called over the years to getting turned down by every girl I liked till even into my early twenties. My struggles with women have gone on for my whole life actually. One of the most painful moments I can remember was on one of the nights I was hanging out with my mom. I remember towards the end of that night as I was eating a banana slit at dairy queen with her when I asked, "Why don't any of the girls like me?". I don't even remember my moms response. I just remember crying so hard. Really hard. That’s all I remember after asking my mom that question was, just me crying uncontrollably. I cry even now as I think about that moment and read what I just wrote. She said something sweet to me I know she did. My mom always made me feel like I was greater than I was and I suppose that is what a good mom should do. She was the one woman besides my sisters that always loved me no matter what. Looking back to when I was very young during the first and second grade era I actually got a lot of attention from girls. Now, I know looks aren’t everything and the body shouldn’t be all of what someone looks at, but once I started to put on weight in third grade it kicked that attention from women out the door. This happened at a young age and stayed that way till my early 20’s. I understand now that if I’m truly going to find the healthy relationship with someone that has the same values about and is heading towards similar goals with themselves is I have to get there myself and project that. This is not to say there is anything wrong with those people out there with extra weight on themselves. We are all struggling. The difference for me is when I get attention from people like that I see the pain and the hurt. It’s going to sound selfish, but I am heading in the other direction. There is no person on this planet that doesn’t come without baggage, but unless they are really doing the same work as myself I can’t add their baggage on to my heavy load that I’m already digging through and getting rid of myself. This isn’t to say that I haven’t gotten attention at all from women over the years. Because I have and some really nice women actually, but none of them quite helped me get where I want to go. My last relationship probably being the best. Even still there were things that weren’t helping either. So here is the deal, I have always said that I want to match the outside of body with the inside. I’m proud of the person I have become on the inside now it’s time for the outside to catch up.

Not thrilled to have this pic taken and I'm sure you
can see why. 

Me at Hagg Lake still rocking the Blonde Highlights.
I was the lead singer of the heavier version of the
Backstreet boys. 

My 21st Birthday. I really look like my dad here.
Just that look on my face. Oh and I look very
drunk too. lol 

So, before I conclude this entry I feel like I need to explain exactly what I mean by being proud of the body I have and what that body looks like to the world. Well to start off a good example of what I realized I wanted came from a recent rafting trip I went on. I’m always looking for examples of the kind of fit body that I want. On the rafting trip that I just went on showed me what it is I think I have been looking for. I saw a few men on the trip that showed me the confidence that I want with my body and self.  These guys are not like super tone or built like guys on the front of a muscle builder magazine. They were just simple guys and very normal looking guys. These men did something with confidence that I haven’t been able to do and be ok with since I was a very young child. That thing I am talking about is to be able go around without a shirt on. See its not just about being sexy or attractive to the others. For me is I just want to be comfortable in my own body just the way it is. I spend majority of my time spent at my house in my birthday suit, but when I step outside all I do is hide. No that doesn’t mean I’m trying to get to the point that I can walk around nude. I just want to be comfortable just being me no matter where I am in the world or what I look like in the world. It’s confidence in myself that I’m looking for. 

Me at Christmas time rocking 49ers gear

My buddy J.J. and me in tuxedos
for my buddy Braits wedding. 

Me at Multnomah Falls in the fall.
Look at my hand it looks HUGE
in the pic. lol

So, there you have it. Guys have fat days too. Or now you at least know I do. Yes, I have hard time looking at myself in the mirror, I spend a lot of time trying to decide what I wear, I have had struggles between weight and women, and I’m not fully comfortable with where I am as a whole...YET. Ending that last sentence with the word  “yet” might be the most powerful thing in this whole blog entry. Because this story about my body has not ended. So, what do I do to change this. Blame my parents, genetics, society, or even myself. NO. The answer is the same as it’s always been. Keep digging through all pain until all this garbage is taken out. For the only person that can change any of this is me. I have made my body this way and I will be the one to get it back to where I want it to be. People can help guide you, but it’s me that always has to do the work. I have to get myself to the gym, I have to face myself in the mirror, I have to say no to the food that does not help me, and I’m the one that has to try harder. I will leave you also with some powerful words that my therapist told me and it really made sense to me. She said, “You have every right to be here, wear what you want to wear,  and just take up space in this world. You have worked hard and you keep working hard which gives you every right to be you right now”. It’s so true I need to stop hiding and own the person I am and have built. I really do like myself and it’s time to start showing my body that by creating a new relationship with this body. To  change the story that this body has been telling for most of my life and rewrite all the thoughts that have held me back from the person I want to be. Because no matter what anyone else ever says about my body it will never be true until I know it is. So, keep pushing Derrick. You are NOT done Derrick. This is not the complete Derrick. You can do better Derrick. Lastly, here is a word to my future self. I will see you soon and I can’t wait to see you.  

The newer me at my 30th birthday party.

Me showing how much I have lost since I
wore that shirt to my dad's funeral
in 2004. 

Very few whole body shots are taken of
me so I thought I would share one more.

 As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-lite. You may ask yourself why did I get so personal? Well, you know what? I am not the only one out there in this world that has feelings like I do about body image and if I just reach one person to let them know that they are worth it.Then its been worth every moment of pain or tear shed while working on this and myself. Because in the end we are all worth it. To move forward we must move through the past and let go. Take care. LOVE. = )

Me giving that mirror at work
my angry face.

Me trying to be ok with
me in that mirror.
=)

Feels good to be back.

Well, hello there....its been awhile hasn’t it. If you haven’t been following me on Facebook then you wouldn’t know that I have recently started going back to school. It took me a long time to make that decision, but after one term I feel like it was a good decision for myself. I'm still not quite sure what I am going to school for exactly, but I think working that out while going to school will help me. It’s been very nice to get that feeling of encouragement and that feeling of being smart again. It’s building confidence to push me to higher things. Things like trigonometry and calculus use to be things I thought of as only what the “smart people” do. I have broken through that feeling after talking to my math teacher last term and a coworker who is a math major. I don’t know if I will be the best at them, but I know that I'm no longer scared to take them on. That kind of thinking has been a very good improvement for myself and I am proud of myself for taking that step. 

So the two classes I took this last spring term was a math class and writing class. Math is still at a review level for me so I don’t want to talk about that much. What I do want to talk about is my writing class. Because I have found through this blog that writing is a good outlet and a powerful tool for me. I am a man of many ideas and thoughts and its very nice to have an audience that enjoys and respects that. So, I know there isn’t millions of people reading this blog, but I want to take the time to thank those that do. 

So thank you for listening and being a part of my life. = )

So, I haven’t posted an entry since March and that was very shortly before I started school. I didn’t however stop writing, my writing just became writing of a different sort. I’m out of school for the summer and want to take this time to catch you up and share the many things that are on my and have been on my mind over the last few months. I plan to share as many blog entries that I can over the summer before I start school again in the fall. So to kick things off I thought I might share one of the three papers I wrote for my writing class. It is the one I'm the most proud of. I got a B on it and I was a little discouraged by that at first. As I explained to many people who helped keep me stay positive about my writing that in the past I have gotten B’s I want to get A’s. I’m not just in school to “pass” I want to excel. I kept at it and didn’t get the A+ I wanted till the last paper and thankfully that one was worth the most points towards my grade. I did however learn a lot trying to push myself to get that A. It’s always a lesson and I am in school to learn.  I will say goodbye for now and pass you off to my paper about the feeling of place. What is place to you?

As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-Lite. = ) 

Home Within a Home

I have lived here in this apartment for over 3 years now. Everything inside this place is connected to me. From the moment I wake up in the morning to get ready for the day, to when I walk through the door after a long day of work. I have worked hard to make this place I call home. It is not the structure itself or the location itself that makes this place I live on earth my special place. It really is so much more.

Every year I take a step back and reassess my apartment and take time to get rid of anything that is cluttering up my space to keep things open. This was an important thing to keep in mind when implementing some feng shui techniques in my apartment. It’s as simple as walking through your front door and as you do, think about these thoughts, “Do I feel welcome? What are the first things I see? How do I feel when entering this place?” When I walk through the door of my apartment, I feel blessed to have a physical place to rest my head and that this is where I belong. The first thing that I see when I step into my home is my kitchen where I spend much of time cooking meals for myself, my family, and my friends. It is a place I feel very at home in because of the time spent there. The feelings I get when I enter my home are relief, freedom, and happiness. Not only do I feel free to be free and open in my apartment, I try very hard to allow those that come into my space to have the same freedom. To have a place that is free to say how you feel, be who you really are, and to be open to anything. The author Terry Tempest Williams in her essay “One Tree” talks about being humbled by the presence of this beautiful cottonwood tree near where she lives when she says, “In the presence of this tree, I am reduced to exactly what I am, simply another life form” (Williams). Walking into my place is very humbling to me. There is no distractions from the outside world. In my apartment I am surrounded by the things I love and things that make me who I am. No matter what life is outside my home, here in my home I am extremely humbled. Not only does my space provide a base of who I am, but my home also has always been a tool to help expand on the person I am. 

There are many physical things in my apartment that have become a part of what is home to me. Many of the things in my apartment are reminders or reflections to myself of who I am. Reminding myself of the things that make up who I am is very important to me, as it makes me feel at home within myself. Music is an important part of my life and has always been part of my home. Besides my CD collection taking up a big portion of the living room, there usually is music playing in the background. That has been carried over from when I was at my father’s house growing up. There is something so relaxing and refreshing to me about music playing. Even the simple things like sitting on my couch and looking out the window brings such peace to me. The plants on my patio are always inviting and welcoming to me and help keep me connected to nature even though I live within the city limits. Then there is my extremely comfortable bed that I love so dearly as well. Because what is having a place to rest your head if you don’t have an excellent place to actually do that? These things help me keep track of who I am no matter where I go and that is why I feel they are important part of my home and that I feel I can pack my home up and move anywhere. 

There are many great things about the environment surrounding the location I live in currently. But if I was given the opportunity to live in a different location, whether similar or very different from where I live right now, I assure you my home would still be very much the same. You think that by living in Oregon my whole life I would completely feel at home here. It’s true there are many great things about Oregon I love, from the vibrant green that fills the state of Oregon during the days of spring to the leaves changing to brilliant colors of yellow, orange, and red in the fall. I also like the fact that I can experience so many different geographical locations without leaving the state. Being able to drive about an hour or two in any direction can give you a nice change of scenery. I have lived in many places within this state since I left my mother’s nest and each one of those places I lived in had things that I find important to a place I call home far past where is was located. Okay, so what if you had to live in Antarctica or in the middle of the desert instead of the lush green vegetation that makes up Oregon. Would that change what is your home? No. For me home is a lot more than the beauty that is around where my home may rest. I have traveled many places and each time I come back to where I live, its not just the beauty and wonder that the state of Oregon has that makes me feel home again. It’s walking through the door at my apartment that gives me this feeling of place. Other things that I like about living where I do is having a family that lives close by so that they can be a part of my daily life, having my own space to create or play, and also a place to just be. Speaking of a place to just be sometimes I will turn everything off in my apartment and open all the windows so that I can hear the freeway near by. That sound of the freeway over the years I have spent here has become as soothing to me as a river flowing down a mountainside, constant and never ending. In the essay “Homeplace” by Scott Russell Sanders he takes a moment to talk about the spiritual side of connecting to a place through words he found from a Zen master named Thich Nhat Hanh. Sanders translates in his own words what that lesson from the Zen master said by saying, “If you stay put, your place may become a holy center, not because it gives you special access to the divine, but because in your stillness you hear what might be heard anywhere” (Sanders 103). This idea of carrying a feeling of place within yourself no matter where you go I think is very powerful. I also feel that if you learn the ability to create that space for yourself in one place you can create it anywhere, it doesn’t matter the location. See having a place in this world to me is more about what travels with you than where exactly those things you bring with you rest or are placed in this world. 

So it may seem that it is my apartment that I call my home from the reasons that I have mentioned, but that would be a little misleading. The fact that I feel at home in my apartment is true, only it’s not the actual apartment I live in itself that that gives me that feeling of being at home. It’s not the airplane landing on the ground of the state I lived my whole life that gives me that feeling of home. It’s not the physical things that I have within my apartment. It’s what those things mean to me that I carry with me from place to place. I have lived in several places in my life and each one felt like home when I lived there. In fact, many people who have visited the places I lived in have told me that my place feels homey. This holds true for the good places I lived in to the not so good places I lived in over the years, each place I have made my home. The items I have or specific things I do to make my home in any place I live have moved with me and have been learned over the course of my time here on this planet and is always evolving with me as I go. I do believe it is important for people to look outward in life at the world around them that makes up or interacts with what they believe to be their home or place in this world. I find it more important to go inward as well to create a home within yourself that can travel wherever you are, because I believe until you find a place within yourself, no matter where you go, it will never feel like home.

1481

Works Cited 

Sanders, Scott Russell. “Homeplace.” Seeing & Writing. Ed. Donald McQuade and Christine McQuade. New York: Bedford, 2000. 101-104. Print.

Williams, Terry Tempest. “One Tree.” Wood Notes Quarterly Summer. 2001. Print.

My trip to Arizona 2012

Good morning!!! =)

Awwwwwwww doesn’t that look beautiful? Blue sky, barely any clouds, and temperature in the high 60’s. That is what I woke up to every morning while I stayed at my cousins house in Arizona. Now that may not sound as great as being in Hawaii (which currently without checking I am sure is between 75-80 degrees all week long), but for someone who has lived in the NW all of his life it was perfect for February. 

So to explain why I went to Arizona I will have to give you a bit of back story. Besides the wonderful weather and just being able to travel to somewhere new. The biggest reason I have had to go to Arizona is because someone that is very special to me lives in that state currently. Someone that has been in and out of my life since I was old enough to remember. His name is Jason Heine. He is one of three sons from my fathers first brother Nelson Heine. Over the years we have spent many many many....MANY good times together. From when we were little playing over at my Grandma Heine’s house in north Portland to spending much of our teenage years together to the current days of seeing each other whenever he is in town and playing video games online as much as we can and such. Now the key part of that last sentence was “whenever he was in town”. See he still has family here and he comes back into town quite a bit to visit. I however have never made the trip down to see him. I had told him for years that I would one day make it down. Well, many years past and he has been living down there I believe 3 or so years. So I decided to do it. I mean all I really need is plane ticket and money for food right? I have no excuses. Sure I have plenty of medical bills and other stuff of that nature, but I can spare some money if I can find a good price for a ticket. So, I approached him about it. He was super excited when I brought it up. We actually started talking about actual dates and how much time he could get off of work. He even showed me a few tricks of how to get a good ticket price on Southwest Airlines. So after a little bit of patience I got some pretty good deals for tickets and then it was set. We started counting the days. See it was perfect timing too. He had around the beginning of this year broken things off with a long time girlfriend and moved into a house of his own. Yes, I said house. I have to bring this up because I am a bit jealous. Because of the housing market sinking there are many houses in Arizona that went way down in value. So he was able to rent a decent size house for not much more than I am paying right now. Yes, it was a bit further outside of Phoenix in one of the smaller suburbs, but if you were willing to commute a bit then you were definitely rewarded. Also, since this was a place for just him, he finally got to spread his wings a bit and take all his stuff out of storage. So he finally got to build the home he has wanted to for a long time. That might not make sense to you right now or sound like a big deal, but don't worry I will explain. See my cousin is a multi talented guy who has a love for video games, studio equipment, and anything electronic. So, with all this space in this house allows himself to build the studio he has wanted to build with all the things that he has and also to make a game room like he has always wanted too. Now the bigger part of the stuff he had in storage was video games stuff. He is quite the collector I would have to say. He use to sell quite a bit on eBay and still does. So over time has created quite the collection of video game stuff. He also has 5 arcade cabinets. Yes, you heard me right five fully working and excellently refurbished arcade cabinets four of which are in his living room in his studio. How awesome right. Ok well, I guess if your not into video games maybe not. I am definitely into video games and as he was explaining his new place to me before I went down to see him it sounded like video game paradise. Well, my cousin doesn’t like to disappoint and he definitely didn’t. It was amazing, but I am skipping too far a head so lets start at the beginning of the trip. 

Here we go....Oh BOY! =)

There is one thing about traveling really far away I don’t really like and that is flying. I wish it were the olden days with more trains going places. Because taking a plane has turned out not to be my favorite thing to do. I really only put up with flying because when I get on a plane it usually means I am going somewhere cool. Which is always funny to me because for the longest time as a kid I wanted to be a pilot. Oh how humorous life is sometimes. So, my flight to Phoenix is scheduled to leave about midday. I wake up early because I am just so damn excited to see my cousin, get some sun, and play some video games. I woke up and finished packing. I left my house about 10 o’clock to catch my flight at 1:35pm. I left so early because for the first time I decided to take the MAX directly to the airport on my own. No one dropping me off or flying with me. Feels good to do that sometimes. To remember the power that you have within yourself. Riding the max to the airport went so smooth it’s a bit scary to me. My last plane flight I believe was 2005 when I took a trip to San Diego with my sister for her birthday. So I was a little nervous I was going to do something wrong. The security checks are different now then they were then. So from a refresher course my cousin gave me over the few days before I left I was instructed exactly what I needed to do. It was great from the ride in to the airport on the MAX, to the wonderful woman checking in my bag (who was giving much praise for my progress on my weight loss after looking at my drivers license lol), to boarding the plane. Believe it or not I actually sat by the window. Why would someone who is afraid to fly and afraid of heights do this? Well, because I am trying to get better at flying and by putting myself next to the window I have to confront my fears. Also, from what I could tell from the woman that sat near me was having a way harder time than I was. I didn’t have it quite as bad as she did. She seemed a lot more nervous. I realized on this last flight that I really don’t mind the in air part so much. It’s the take off and landing. That is where the plane moves a lot more and from the moment that plane leaves the ground I can feel every movement the plane makes in my stomach. So for every landing and take off I try to close my eyes and relax. I have done so much better these days than the past flights I have taken. I even took a few pictures out the window that are pretty damn cool. Yes, I spent some good time looking out the window in between reading. Both snacks they handed out on the plane had wheat in them... I thought to myself...typical. I understand with the pretzels, but the honey roasted peanuts? Jesus people there is no need for wheat in roasted peanuts!!! I love honey roasted nuts too! Well, no matter I planned a head anyway and brought lunch with me. Stacey made me a wonderful wrap. I also brought honey dijon kettle chips and a Mahalo candy bar (which if you don’t know is a vegan imitation of an almond joy. WHICH by the way is way better than an almond joy ever was period!) to eat and the flight attendant gave me some water. Perfect meal on a pretty decent flight. I bring this all up because its part of my life now with where I am at in my life health wise and with eating. I have to pack food ahead where ever I go. The rest of the time in flight I read the book Game of Thrones. 

Pretty cool huh? =)

Just a little snow on top of that mountain.

We land in Phoenix... I am always happy to hit the ground again. Such a land lover I am. I get my bag and right after there is my cousin to pick me up. Then we go out to where his car is parked on the top floor of the parking garage. I bring this up only because from the top you could get a good view of the surrounding Phoenix area. First things I noticed about Arizona was it’s very flat and very brown I mean pretty in its own right, but very different to the green hilly area of Oregon that I have always know. So we take off towards his place with a few stops a long the way. Before arriving in Arizona Jason had done some research to find some place like New Seasons Market in Arizona that was at least somewhat close to his house so that we could do a little grocery shopping. Out of the two places he took me Sprouts I think was fairly close to being a New Seasons Market. I got many of the things I needed to have food around that I could eat while being at his place. So after a little grocery shopping then continued on to his house. Now another thing about Arizona as my cousin explained is that the streets are very grid based and so it makes it hard to get lost. It also makes for a boring drive in my opinion. So we make it out to my cousin’s house in a suburb a little farther out from Phoenix in a place called Queencreek. It was really not way out in the sticks, but a bit farther out. Now I know we all would like to rent our own house to have all to ourselves, but this was a huge thing for my cousin to do. My cousin has had to move quite a bit over the last few years so finally being able to grow some roots in one area I know means a lot to him. I have already said it, but I must say it again my cousin has lots of COOL stuff. It’s awesome to see because of leaving his girlfriend of many years and being able to spread his wings. I am happy to say he did it in a big way. He is now able to have full access to himself and all he owns. We are talking the ultimate bachelor pad. A full studio in the living room with 4 arcade machines on the far wall, a full game room up above the living room, a room next door to the game room with more video game stuff, a room next to that one for guests (like me although I thought about sleeping in the game room lol), a master bed room for himself,  and even a place next to the kitchen to set up his very nice drum set. Now to say my cousin has stockpile of video game stuff is an understatement, but he doesn’t have every game or system...yet. He definitely has more than most of us would dream of. So that is a big reason why I came down to see him and do what we have done for years when he lived here in Oregon together. I'm talking about having a real face to face game night. In this day and age with xbox live and even video games we play together over cell phones there isn’t as much actual visiting friends and family in person. Every time my cousin and I get to see each other since he moved away that is exactly what we spend our time doing. This vacation brought all that back. Sitting in his game room and looking through his games asking questions, wondering what games were good enough to play, and just thinking back to all the memories we have from the video games that we have played in the past. So many great times at all sorts of different times in my life. I am not going to sit here and tell you all the games we went through because there was just way too many. I do want to mention a few. First off, the first night we ended up in front of his arcade machines. They all are just so awesome. All of his arcade cabinets have been redone from the ground up by my cousin and they truly are just amazing. Out of the 4 I really fell in love with Killer Instinct 2. I had played the first one with Jason quite a bit over the years and we did play on that cabinet before the second one, but the second one really caught my attention. The original Killer Instinct cabinet has an upgraded sound system put in by my cousin which took the sound to another level. Still the Killer Instinct 2 arcade machine sucked me in. We also ended up playing it on Jason’s N64 as well. Next up, Conker’s Bad Fur Day...wow where do I start with this game. I had watched a review about it a while ago on Youtube and was very interested to play it in real life. It’s definitely not a kids game and it amazes me what someone got nintendo(normally very strict as to keep their family image) to approve this game on their console. It was really fun and funny. I would definitely like to own that game one day. Lastly, was a more current game that Jason had been telling me about recently. It’s called Motorstorm: Pacific Rift which is only on Playstation 3. Wow, what a great racing game. What is more important was there we were like the good old days trading off the controller back and forth as we tried to progress through the game. Each of us trying to help the other find better ways to beat each level. That right there my friends is what I like about gaming. From board games, card games, sports, and video games. It’s the team effort. It’s the competition with that collective effort. Being there with my cousin and every time we get to spend time with each other these days we realize how much we miss that connection. We play games a lot online too, but being there next to each other opens up a lot more options to play older games as well as newer ones. So enough about all that I don’t want to put you all to sleep with all my video game talk.

Castles and Coasters! =)

Main floor of Castles and Coasters. HEAVEN! =)

Retro

Jason playing a racer...lol never. =)

The second full day of being in Arizona we actually made it out of the house and he showed me more around Arizona. One of the first places we went was a place called Bookman’s. I guess the best way to describe Bookman’s is to say it’s like a used media store that is only in the state of Arizona. They have used CDs, books, music equipment, and video games. Jason has told me lots about this place before I came down and I was very excited to go there. Although after the money I spent there maybe I shouldn’t have gone there. By taking me there though my cousin revived the collector in me. There was so many games there I wanted. It was lots of trouble for both of us and also something we love to do together is hunting for video games. It’s the hunt for that special game or a great game at a great price. Again I won’t bore you with all that I got, but it was a ton of fun to say the least. Also, on our day out in Arizona he took me to two awesome arcades. The first arcade he took me to was called Castles and Coasters. It was a mini amusement park with rides and such, but we didn’t bother with all that...we headed straight into the castle and inside would make anyone that is my age or bit older shoot right back to 1980’s-1990’s. See people of my age and older really know what it was like growing up with arcades. Way before the arcades made their way into our homes. It was awesome it had classic arcade machines upstairs, more current stuff on main floor and a wonderful selection of pinball machines in the center. I was in heaven. I mean between Jason’s video game palace and this arcade I didn’t ever want to leave. We played quite a few machines and got to meet up with friend of Jason’s named John who he met over Youtube from their video game channels channels. I got to see John in action on the Donkey Kong arcade machine  he talks a lot about which was quite awesome. I also watched Jason get in the zone with Miss Pac-man machine. He didn’t get the high score on the machine, but definitely did the best he has ever done. It was quite intense to even watch. Then before we left he went and ripped it up on the Batman returns pinball machine. So after a while of playing games at Castles and Coasters we had to venture out again to the other Bookman’s that was near by. I did better at this store and only spent a a little of my money. Then it was off to another arcade found in a place called Golfland. Because as great as Castles and Coasters was they were missing a very important machine that is in my opinion the best arcade machine to come out for this generation and that is H2O Overdrive. It's one of Jason and I’s favorite arcade machine. Its a boat racing game very similar to one I loved growing up called Hydro Thunder. Well, of course because some of the same people created both of the games. H2O Overdrive is everything Hydro thunder should have been and an awesome upgrade for this day and age. So we played that till the arcade shut down. Literally I played till the last minute before the machines shut off. 

Golfland Main floor 

Golfland Main floor

Back to the house and we went through our Bookman’s stacks of goodies and cleaned them and took off all the stickers. Then we played more Motorstorm: Pacific Rift. The next day filled with a stack of N64 games. I have been very interested in the system of late because I never got one growing up. I have been interested in getting a N64 so we went and played some games I didn’t know about for the system. Had so much fun doing so. More laughs and more memories created. Tuesday night John came over and I was guest on their video game podcast called “All Gen Gamers”. http://gamester81.com/all-gen-gamers-podcast-episode-82/ That was a so much fun and a blast to do. I love talking about video games and talking in general I guess. After that we played a game on the Kinect for the xbox called You Star. It’s a fun game where through using the camera on the connect it puts you into scenes in famous movies. My cousin streamed it on his TwitchTv account so you can go watch me mess up lines and look silly if you want. http://www.twitch.tv/theemureview/b/309410116 =) I had a hard time reading my lines on the screen because what I forgot to mention was I think it was the second night when I was getting into bed I somehow got my glasses under my bed I was sleeping on and broke my glasses. Regardless I had too much fun playing the game with those two guys they were too funny and a lot better at the game than I was. 

The next day and final day I was there we just did a bit more game playing and just hanging out with each other. Left for the airport little early to avoid too much traffic and to get In and out Burger one last time. Yes, I didn’t mention it, but I was so excited to be able to go and have In and Out burger even for my gluten free and Dairy free diet. It was an excellent treat. What I like about In and Out burger is that is didn’t feel like too much it was just the right about, everything is consistent, they didn’t ask me to super size it, and they didn’t hand me a 64 ounce cup when getting a small drink. That is very refreshing and although I really don’t eat at fast food anymore this really is the one exception. ALl I really had to ask for when ordering my burger was no cheese and wrapped in lettuce instead of a bun which is called "protein style". So awesome. 

YUMMY!!! =)

So we said our goodbyes on the ride over too the airport. Both of us very glad that I had finally made my way down to see him. We both agreed that this wouldn’t be the only time instead it would be the first of many. He is doing his thing down there and I am doing my thing up here so I don’t see either of us moving closer to the other anytime soon. So our face to face game nights will have to wait. The ride home on the plane I think was quite a bit better than the ride down there to Arizona. The pilot was also a lot funnier and cracked a few jokes that helped me and I found his humor very refreshing for someone who gets a little nervous on planes. 

So what did I learn? I got to see another state that puts me at 11 states of America that I have visited. I definitely need to increase that number. After thinking about how many I had actually visited that doesn’t seem like much. I realized how much I love the company of my cousin with just every time we actually get to spend quality time together. I will probably be asking him to move back to oregon for as long as I am living. Since the early days at my Grandma’s house we have always been close and I don’t see why we wouldn’t ever be. I have talked about it before about the need to take time to let those that are important and meaningful in your life know that as much as you can. None of us are here forever so lets appreciate the time spent together and not take them for granted. Love and laughter are essential in life so never stop trying to get them. Also, Jason awoke the collector in me was reborn with this trip of video game madness...lol oh no! There is just “TWO MANY GAMES!” because remember “two” video games is to many to play. For you can’t play two games at the same time and enough them, but I will just keep stacking them and get to them when I can who is up for another game night? =) I also need too stop talking about doing things and start making them happen I much coming soon so stay tuned. I had told him for years I would come see him and following through felt very good. So get out and explore and see the ones you love so dearly because those are the real things in life that matter. So get out and see the world! 

Till next time... =)

As always I bring this to you with Love and Pure D-lite. =) 

What do you see?

So I want you to take a long look at the picture above my writing. I want you to really look at it and see what emotions come up for you. It’s ok I will wait.... =) 

Why am I showing you this you might ask? Well, I was joking around with someone and was talking about what I was going to be in the future if I don’t get my shit together with my life and health. I literally typed into google under images “Fat old gamer” and this pic is what popped up. Now, I did use the pic to prove my point, but as I looked at it I realized that there was something more to this picture. I am very connected to this picture. See most of you know me as the happy, fun, “skinner” version of myself. I wasn’t always like that and as I look at this picture I am reminded of all the pain that I carried around with me everywhere I went. See the person I sent this picture to is on the opposite end of the spectrum skinny and afraid to eat or let go and eat. When they looked at the picture they commented...”I don’t know he looks happy”. I suppose to a person that struggles with trying to be skinny to be able to just let it go sounds nice. Because either way it’s very stressful to maintain with your health whether skinny and trying to stay that way or being over weight and trying to lose weight. We all struggle with it in some way. It’s really one universal thing we all share. 

So back to the picture...I feel so much pain when I look at him or what use to be me. I also feel that way when I see people like this. The people in the supermarket that are on motorized carts that at some point got to the point of giving up. I know there are other factors to why they might be there as well, but a good portion of them did it to themselves. See, I swore a long time ago that I don’t care if takes me my whole life I will not give up on myself. So far I have kept that promise. I try everyday to make the best me that I can. I am far from perfect and I am not really trying to be perfect or normal. There is no normal people... only the best you that you can be. Funny that the picture is trying to make a fat man sexy. The truth of the matter women didn’t look at me that way when I was that big. Unless they were having the same problem themselves, but really I didn’t get much attention back then. As I drop weight though its been weird dealing with the extra attention. It’s nice I’m not going to lie, but I also get frustrated. I feel like saying “hey, that’s nice that you like me now, but what about the other 20 some years I have been available?” I remember girls hitting on me when I was skinnier as a kid...quite a bit actually. I get it now though because they say you attracted a mirror of yourself. So until I started taking care of myself then how would I attract someone that would be doing the same? I remember crying to my mom not knowing why the girls didn’t like me. I get it now. You can’t expect someone to love you if you aren’t loving yourself to start with. I really hope the guy in that picture actually wakes up one day to what he could be instead of what he just accepts himself to be. 

Now I don’t want to sound like it’s just as easy as saying “I’m going to change myself into the person I want to be” and .... *POOF* There you are. It is a lot of work. I really do struggle everyday. The person I am dating has gotten a good idea of what it’s like for me day to day. It’s a lot of dedication, but it’s the highest work that we can do on this planet. How can we change the world without starting with ourselves first right? For those that see me day to day may not see it, but there is a lot of internal conflict that I go through everyday. I will tell you though the hard work is worth every tear, sweat, and struggle you may go through. See for me it didn’t all click till I got all three parts of my being in line. Because Doing just one never worked. I use to workout a lot with my close buddy Brait many years ago and I made some progress, but it never stuck. I see lots of regular people at the gym that don’t make any progress and I feel bad for them because they haven’t dug deeper to find what is holding them back. It’s like wanting to go back and tell myself what I know now. It wasn’t till I started looking at what I eat...like really look and why I was eating. Then when I started working on eating and then started working out again the wheels actually started moving. The last part was getting therapy. See putting on the weight and talking it off are a lot more emotional than just adding some extra weight. And as I have dropped weight there has been many of things I have had to deal with. It’s all part of the healing process.

So now I will show you a happier picture to look at. Well, at least for me it is. 

I was going through and getting rid of the old clothes I use to wear and making room for the ones I’m going to wear. It was a very hard, but a cleansing day for me. Putting on this shirt in the picture really put it all in prospective for me. It’s one of those landmark moments where you really see the hard work and why you do the work day in and day out. It’s these moments that motivate me to keep going to my next goal. Because for those that have seen me get this far...I am going further. It’s been harder than the 150 plus pounds I lost, but I know I can do it. Everyday I tell myself at some point “I am not done...I am not satisfied”. The picture above is a picture of me wearing a shirt that I wore to my dad’s funeral 8 years ago to the very minutes I write this entry. A shirt that was very tight on me and I had hard time keeping it tucked in I remember now it was like wearing a tent. It was because of my fathers death I woke up and decided to live life. I wish more than anything I could show him how far I have come. He too struggled with his weight. He would be so proud...he is so proud. I am proud of myself and that is something no one can take away. He gave me the greatest gift I could have ever asked for him to give me...life.  

So, where am I going with all this? Well, every year on the anniversary of my fathers passing I really try to put life in prospective for myself. I thought I would share a bit more of my story on being fat in hopes it might help one person keep trying. I know anyone that reads this can relate. Even those that think they can eat anything and not feel the effects. Everything is a direct effect of the choices you make everyday. I encourage everyone to keep trying. There is never a better time than the present. 

As always I bring this to you with lots of love and pure D-Lite. =)

The Christmas rush is through....

Its over...both trees are already put away and all the wonderful decorations tucked away in my Christmas storage container.Yes, even the snowflakes that hung so beautifully from my ceiling are now gone. Now the might seem a little harsh from someone who LOVES Christmas, but I have to move on after Christmas has passed or I kinda get a little depressed about it. I use to get really sad about it when I was younger. Christmas is so awesome, special, and magical and then it’s just...poof!..gone. Furthermore, I start the Christmas Season the day after Halloween. I do this in part to get my fill in so by the time Christmas passes I am ready to move on. So this year and the last few I have started taking down my tree and decorations very shortly after Christmas Day. Not going to lie the past few days coming home and seeing an empty space where the tree once brightened the inside of my home has been a little sad. Also by doing this it makes it special to have the tree in my home. That way I still get excited to put it up again next year. Which by the way I’m already plotting my thoughts of how I am going to decorate it next year. Excited! =) 

So, mark it dude...another Christmas Season in the books. Another year I have survived working in retail during the holidays. Three decades of Christmases logged in the memory banks. OK well, I am sure I don’t really remember the first three or four, but nonetheless I have had a few Christmases in my life time. Some of them good and some of them not so good. As I think back through them all I remember more good than bad though. Even though during the many years my mom was married to her second husband every Christmas Eve they would fight. To me I still remember more of the good things that happened during Christmas time then the bad. In comparisons to some of the bad Christmases I have heard about through other people I know even my worse Christmas wasn’t that bad. I have been lucky to always have a job during the holidays. Enough extra to spread the love, money, and always had enough for food on the table. I hope that is how it will always be. My parents never had a lot per say, but were never quite poor either. I just always tried to be grateful for what I got. Thinking back now it was way too much. That is something about my mom that I love. She loves to give. Sometimes the gifts don’t quite match up, but you can’t deny the love and thought she tries to put into everything she gives. Because having a meaning behind the gifts you give is what matters. So that’s where I get it. To me giving any gift has to have some sort of meaning behind it. Maybe it’s just something you saw that made you think of someone. Maybe it’s something they have always needed. See I love to enable people to do things that they love. One year I finally bought my sister a sander. Do you know how many times I heard her say “Yeah I need to sand that down and refinish it?” Too many to count. So that was my gift to her to try to help her get to do some of those things she always wanted to do. Maybe its something you think this person should have and or know about. To show a person something new is truly a gift in life where we are constantly learning. From new music that might be right in tune with where they are or are going to in their life. I love giving books that help educate others. So I know there is a very commercial part of Christmas that I am not about. To me its a time of year to bring in cheer, light, and love in to the more dark days of the year. I happen to do that through gifts. Not because its a material thing, but because it’s an excuse to spend more energy on others than yourself. A super boost of giving if you will. I don’t just give gifts this time of year. Some of the best gifts I have given are for no reason. Random acts of kindness. I remember the feeling of warmth that passed over me the year I gave $50 dollars to the family we chose to support through work. I remember how good it felt to give to someone I don’t even know with no expectation of getting anything back and to people that had no idea that it was coming. To maybe make that time in their life just a little brighter. Sometimes all we need is to see just a little light at the other end of the tunnel. One smile to spark the love inside us. Remember we all in this thing called life together. =)

A few years ago my sister and I watched a movie that talks about the history of Christmas. It’s called “Christmas Unwrapped: The History of Christmas” done by the history channel. I would suggest this movie to anyone that is looking to understand the holiday a bit more and find something in it that relates to you and why you may celebrate Christmas. For my sister and I it helped us stop focusing on it being such a religious holiday for neither of us are very religious. Because you will find in the movie that it talks about the fact that during this time of year there was celebrations of many kinds. Even before it became Jesus’s birthday. See the things that really spoke to me was bringing light into the darkest part of the year for a good portion of the planet, to celebrate family, and to give. There was many tries to cancel Christmas, but the people always made it happen one way or another. So after many years trying to reinvent Christmas for ourselves we finally had something to back our desire to do things differently and celebrate it in a way that makes more sense to who we are. So spend only what you have and make the money you spend worth it. I also have tried harder to make gifts for others. Don’t spend money you don’t really have. I have never opened a new credit card to make Christmas happen. I even remember the first Christmas I spent when I lived with my sister in the apartment we shared. We really didn’t have anything. I remember getting a few Christmas present for her and I did get a Christmas tree and that was all I really wanted for Christmas. So I did and I was so glad I did too. I love how a Christmas tree really warms my heart and home. To our surprise a few days before Christmas we received a big box in the mail from my mother who at the time was on the other side of the united states. She didn’t have much herself, but somehow put some money together and made it go farther by spending much of it at the Dollar tree. Man that made our Christmas. Even thought it wasn’t hundreds of dollars of presents it was still so nice to open stuff. Some of the presents we laughed and smiled at. Some of them we tried to figure out what my mom was thinking. Just so sweet of her and I have never forgotten how special that was to me. To be thousands of miles away and she managed to touch us. I still have a glass Christmas mug that I love to this day from that Christmas. My sister has the other one. I still love drinking egg nog out of that cup and is truly one of my favorite Christmas gifts. 

Why am I bringing all of this up you may ask. Well, I have been reflecting on the Christmas that just passed and I don’t know how the people at Hallmark draw up their idea of a “perfect Christmas”, but Christmas for me 2011 was one that I think really makes my idea of a perfect Christmas. It really started with the Monday after thanksgiving My Mom and Stacey went on a journey to get that perfect Christmas tree. It was a very beautiful day. Sunny and not too cold. We went to one of my mom’s friends  tree farms and found just a wonderful noble Christmas tree. Took it home and kicked of the Christmas season in the Heine house. Stacey made some of the most beautiful paper snow flakes I have ever seen. I am not just being bias each one of them was so creative and wonderful. Even when she said she was going to make them I had this idea of the crappy snowflakes I did as a kid. I mean now that I have seen her snowflakes mine definitely were very bad in comparison to hers.lol Having them hang down from the ceiling was something new and refreshing to add to my holiday decorations. I got to introduce her to some of the movies I consider classic Christmas movies. One of which was the History Channel’s movie I talked about earlier. 

Then midway through December we took on the task of making Dairy Free and Gluten free Christmas sugar cookies. Now, I am not going to lie our first attempt failed, but you know what it only made our second batch that much better. If you are reading this blog entry and you didn’t get any PLEASE don’t think that I don’t love you. Even after the 80 some cookies we made we didn’t have enough for everyone. Granted we ate a few ourselves because hey they were pretty damn good. One of my cooks at work called me a liar because she couldn’t believe that the sugar cookies were Dairy free and Gluten free because they tasted so good. I tell you what though it was so awesome handing them out to people especially the ones that didn’t know it was coming. The joy of sharing warms my heart. I love the reaction of one of my coworkers daughters who I sent home with some of the sugar cookies. She said “Oh mom that was so sweet of Derrick to do that. He is so cute and sweet”. She is adorable and constantly makes my heart smile. They are Muslim and don’t celebrate Christmas, but still enjoyed our Christmas cookies. See people it doesn’t have to be something that separates us. 

Also, the joy of going over to my buddy’s house and bringing his two kids one gift each. Again I didn’t have much, but I found two gifts that meant a lot to me to share with them. They are my kids until the day I have my own and I love them dearly. So then lets move on to Christmas Eve in through Christmas Day. So Christmas Eve at work is busy day, but always fun. I worked the holiday table and so I got to sit and just enjoy the day. Just watching our wonderful family we have at New Seasons smiling and joking around with each other. There was so many special moments from my assistant manager dressing up over the top festive, to my boss giving me his traditional handshake to say thanks for helping making it through another holiday season before he left, to one of the night crew employees I don’t talk to much come up to me and wish me a very merry Christmas and even sealed it with a nice hug. I wish everyday could be filled with this much love. There was even a mess up with a cake and I ended up giving the people who ordered the cake for free because of some mess up with the frosting. They tried to argue with me about giving it to them for free, but then they decided that instead of spending the twenty five dollars they would have spent on the cake they would in turn put that money towards donating to buy meals for those in need at the registers. Wow...that really moved me. Here I was doing the right thing for them and then they took it a step further by doing an even better thing. That was truly amazing to me. 

So after work I headed back to my house and did a few things before my brother came over for our annual Christmas Eve brother bonding time. We usually play any type of games from video games to board games. This year it happened to be a few video games that we could play together. Just so lucky to have my brother. Having him in my life means the world to me. We have been through some tough times, but I tell him all the time I am so lucky to have a brother as cool as him to have fun with in my life. So we played games and relaxed. After this busy holiday season it was just what I needed. We both couldn’t stay up as late as we wanted and we both started nodding off while playing video games so we decided to go to sleep. Then after hitting my snooze button quite a few times Christmas morning I got up a little after 8 am and tried to get everything ready to go over to my sister house the “Magic Cottage”. 

Along with presents I also had to bring many dishes. Because this year I decided to make breakfast for everyone on Christmas morning. My mom showed up shortly after 9 am and we all packed into my mom’s car and off we went. I did a good job on remembering everything except the last of our Christmas sugar cookies that I was going to take over to my sisters for my family to eat sometime during Christmas Day. Which I ate later on don’t worry. We showed up to my sisters and the fire was burning brightly and all of our stockings were hung on the fireplace with care. After a little of mingling I started in on my breakfast as the rest of the family played a game. My sister and I worked away in the kitchen. See every year my sister was the one making Christmas breakfast. This year it was my turn to do something for my family that I always wanted to which was make a wonderful dairy free & gluten free Christmas breakfast. So what was on the menu you may ask? Well, to please everyone I made both coconut egg nog French toast and cranberry pancakes. Also there was chicken sausage, turkey bacon, candied pork bacon, potatoes and eggs. It actually came together very well. My sister helped me when I needed it and was cleaning as we went. Also, my brother did an excellent job keeping everyone’s drinks full between hot chocolate and coffee. So when it was all done and ready to serve and as everyone started moving to the table I had a moment in the kitchen with myself. It was a moment that felt so good that I got a little teary eyed. It just made me so happy that I was actually making Christmas breakfast for my family. It was also Dairy-free and Gluten Free, but everyone still enjoyed it. Words can’t really explain what that meant to me. Just a wonderful moment in my life. As I sat down and started to eat, my brother teased me about not talking a pic and posting it on Facebook like I always do with the other meals I make. So I took a second to take a picture of my masterpiece and posted it on Facebook. Also, my grandmother’s boyfriend sitting to my right leaned over and said during the meal “So when are you making this breakfast again?” lol. I replied “You are going to have to wait a whole year.” ;-) The meal was excellent and it was nice to put food in my stomach since I was living off hot chocolate up until then.

 After breakfast we headed over and went through our stockings which since they had been hung by the fireplace that was burning very well had melted a good portion of the chocolate that was put into them lol...oops. Then the presents where passed out and like most Christmases I was blown away with how much was passed out. So many awesome presents. There was a few repeats of presents, but actually that worked out later on, but I will get to that in a minute. Now thinking about all the Christmases I have had with my family I have always felt like I can always be myself and expect that to whoever I share that day with. I couldn’t imagine having a stressful and rigid Christmas. For my families Christmases are full of joking around and laughter. Something else I noticed this Christmas was the strong connection with my siblings. I know that one day we might have families of our own and such, but I really don’t think that will really change how we spend Christmas together. I really couldn’t imagine spending Christmas without them honestly. This year we even had my grandma with her boyfriend Hal to spend Christmas with. Also my aunt Natalie with her boyfriend Pete showed up later in the afternoon after visiting her own children for Christmas. 

Now here comes an awesome story of how cool my family is. So after all the present were opened we were sitting back relaxing, still digesting our wonderful breakfast, and trying to decide our next move. When we asked my mom when Aunt Nat and Pete were going to be showing up. Somewhere in that conversation she brings up that My Aunt bought presents for all of us. All I could hear was the sound of tires screeching to a halt. We all sat in silence for a second...then my sister starts saying “What?! I didn’t buy them anything! They didn’t fill out the Christmas survey we had put on the “Christmas at the Magic Cottage” event page on Facebook!”. Of course we all started saying the same thing. We all thought she was just going to stop buy later in the day. We all looked at each other and what happened next was awesome. We all started looking at our own presents thinking what we could give up. My sister started looking around her house for extra things she had or gotten from vendors through her work. Now we could have just sat there and just been okay with not getting Nat and Pete anything for Christmas and I am sure they still would have loved us just the same or we could go into Christmas crisis mode and make something happen. Well, you know what we chose to make something happen. It was awesome to see my family work the way they did. Through a few duplicate presents and things my sister had including a portrait of My siblings and myself that we took for my mom and grandmother we did a great job. So, when they finally got there later in the afternoon and we had them open all the gifts before we told them the story of the family Christmas miracle. All the while all of us giggling under our breathe with each present they opened. Then when they had no presents to open we told them the story. My Aunt and Pete were so surprised that we put it all together shortly before they got there. That is the Christmas spirit if I have ever seen it. 

By the way the gifts She and Pete came up with were awesome and so thoughtful. For me they painted a wooden stand sign thing that said “kiss the cook” which my brother read wrong as I was unwrapping it. Which got us all laughing when he said what he thought it had said instead of “cook”. lol Oh man I haven’t laughed that hard for a looooong time. That alone made that gift priceless. After that we all played Bingo were my aunt and my sister won most of the bingo prizes. I did manage to with an awesome Christmas decorative snowman that I can’t wait to use next year. Kudos to my mom for the sweet bingo prizes. Then after that my grandma and Hal left and then shortly after so did Nat and Pete. Which my aunt kept winning at bingo so we were going to kick her out soon anyway. lol So the rest of us played one of the games I got for Christmas from Erica called “5 Second Rule” which has nothing to do with the 5 second rule for food dropped on the floor. lol It was pretty fun, but would be better played at a party with more people. After that we all headed our own ways. I wanted to keep going as I think we all did, but we all were so tired. I love my family. 

All and all it couldn’t have been any better of a Christmas in my opinion. Even the mistake of not getting gifts for my Aunt and Pete turn out to be quite a memorable event that I won’t forget. The beauty of just people loving people. So what ever your holiday means to you is fine. You can make it be anything you want it to be. That goes for life in general actually. My coworker doesn’t celebrate Christmas because it’s tied with the birth of Jesus. I told her it can be whatever you want it to be. I do not celebrate Christmas for Jesus’s birthday at all actually. For even if I did celebrate his birthday he wasn’t really born in December anyways.lol I use the Christmas season to love everyone around me. From family to friends to anyone I encounter. Life is about connections. Christmas 2011 will go down as one of my favorite Christmases and one that the people at Hallmark couldn’t recreate if they tried. Christmas with my family has always been priceless. Thank you for reading and I hope you made the best of your holiday. Till next year Happy Holidays.

As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-lite. =)

As a little extra here is my sisters cat Ellie passed out midday from all the excitement of Christmas morning. Soooooo cute! =)