Alrighty! Back at it again. This song that has been playing in my head recently over the last few months. I heard this song many times over the last two and half years. Unfortunately with the death of my mother there was also the death of another person. That person was the man I use to be.
Many people that I know have heard me say that right before my mother’s death I truly was the best that I had ever been as a human being. Her death derailed me in the worse way possible as I have already discussed in other blog entries. What I want to talk about more in this post is the fact of what a death of someone really close to you can truly do to the person that you are.
I keep saying I want so bad to get back to that place in which I was before my mother died, but guess what? You can’t. The bad news is that the person that I was will never exist because my life is not the same as it was. The death of my mother was the marking of the beginning to a big chapter in my life in which now I'm parent-less. God willing most of you won’t know this feeling until you are much older.
I have no parents to lean on when I need them. I no longer have the cheerleaders that parents can be in your life always. Family time during the holiday season gets very different from it was in the past. There is no longer that unconditional love in the real world now that they have both passed on. It’s the struggle to figure out a new relationship with those people now that they are in a different form. Instead of saying goodbye its trying to find a new way to say hello.
Over the last two and half years I have had struggled with my attempts to get back to that happy, healthy, and truly loving life person that I was prior to my mother’s death. It’s really been such an up and down battle. At one moment I would make such progress and then the next I would be set back quite a few steps.
What has finally helped me make more progress in the right direction is one big revelation about how I must live now. What I have come to really embrace is that statement above that the person that I have been chasing is unattainable. What I have done instead is focused on what I felt at that time before my mother’s death and try to duplicate the parts of myself that I loved in the new lens from who I am now to who I’m becoming.
What are some of those things? Well, having a purpose to get out of bed every morning is a great start. The ability to truly seeing the world around me from the little things to the extremely large things. To acknowledge the ugliness and the beauty that is life. To be truly thankful for my life. To appreciate what I have and work towards things that I need, want, and dream of that will truly add to my life. To really pay attention to what I chose to have in my life and let go of things that no longer serve me. What is more important is giving more energy to what adds to my life. TO FEEL GOOD IN MY BODY. That one is so very important to me and prior to my mother’s death it had become such a part of the person that I am. My parents death’s have really made the idea of do the things that you want to do because life is so short. The abilities to find the positives in all possibilities life gives us. These are some of the ideals that I hold on to these days as I move closer and closer to getting back to the man I am.
So the song of the week is that of one of my favorite hip hop artist mostly for his ealier body of music. The song that I picked is “Man I Use to Be” by K-OS (which stands for Knowledge Of Self) from his second album titled “Joyful Rebellion.” Most of my connection to this song is from the lyric from the title & chorus which is “Man I use to be”, but lets go to the lyrics anyway and see what we can find.
“Man I Use to Be” by K-OS
I tried it, I couldn't find it Now I just want to get back to me Awe baby, hoo hoo Back into the man I used to be
(I did try and continue to try.)
Things that I said I wouldn't do, I did 'em Secrets below the service of truth I hid 'em
(I have been very lost over the last few years and so I tried many things to try to help. Many things I said I wouldn’t do.)
This mankind is past, but can he erase The tears of a million years is human race Of animals, that taught to walk upright Then slave all day and fall in a trance at night Flowing the planet, trying to find missing links Like the men we used to be and always suppose to think Mysteries, maybe not It's getting hot, we better configure the plot, but I hold a pen with the grip so tight That' a squeeze the ink out'ta the page, and write a song for the people Came up from the underground, now I write above on a hovercraft sound This microphone, like an amphetamine Keeping me clean, speaking in dreams So nature can intervene, just for a scene
(The days when I use to write in this blog more often help me so much to remain me.)
I walk the long path alone, my feet hurt Lost some friends along the way, I did dirt I went to church, I tried everything From leaving my body, to watching the birds sing For hours, so I could feel heavenly powers Had been across the universe and inside of flowers But what is it worth, I'm still just a man on the earth
(I’m not alone, but I have walked much of my path alone trying many things. I haven’t lost some friends, but the fiends I have now do change. I looked inside and outside myself, but in the end I’m just a man.)
Rappers are acting like man tan Can I be candid, I can't stand it Rap bandit, got Kheaven acting frantic I want to swing my sword decapitate But what is a man if he acts like an ape So I sit back, planning my great escape Load up my EPS and peruse my record crate The man I used to be, I can only see by looking beyond me So what is reality, I don't know
I walk the long path alone, my feet hurt Lost some friends along the way, I did dirt I went to church, I tried everything From leaving my body, to watching the birds sing For hours, so I could feel heavenly powers Had been across the universe and inside of flowers But what is it worth, I'm still just a man on the earth Rappers are acting like man tan Can I be candid, I can't stand it Rap bandit, got Kheaven acting frantic I want to swing my sword decapitate But what is a man if he acts like an ape So I sit back, planning my great escape Load up my EPS and peruse my record crate The man I used to be, I can only see by looking beyond me So what is reality, I don't know
Oops, wrong song, stop it stop it You know what I woke up in the morning I took a trip to the corner store That's when I heard my calling But I'd never heard the voice of truth before So I kept on walking Pretended I didn't see Walked by a window and my reflection said to me You could try all the same But you'll never know this mystery There's no pile on your plane So you're not the man you used to be Try all the game, but you'll never know this mystery When your pile has no plane Said you're the man you used to be seen
(I love this part of the song. At the end of the song it goes into Kevin (K-os) singin over an acoustic guistar. You can try all the same [of trying to be the person I was],but you’ll never know this mystery [life])
Holla and ya holla, you folla you fall Ya holler and ya holla, you folla you fall Ya holler and ya holla, you folla you fall Ya holler and ya holla, you folla you fall Ya holler and ya holla, you folla you fall Ya holler and ya holla, you folla you fall Yo, microphones get ripped holding us back K dash rocking it out, rocking the cold style Making it up, go along singing my song Woke up, in the early morn didn't know what was going on Whatever, I don't really know Flows like an immaculate goat what up, whatever
One step and one day at a time I find my way to where I must go now and who I shall become. Slowly I get in touch with my inner self. Slowly I get reconnected to this body I’m lucky enough to have on my trip through life. I make more progress on building new dreams, new views, and new ways of being me. It is in my opinion the highest work that a person can do while on the planet.
I hope you are doing the same for yourself and hope life is going well.
As always I bring this to you with much love and pure D-lite. = )
As always I bring this to you with much love and pure D-lite. = )
