Before I get into the entry I wrote for New Year's Eve I have to add a bit of back story that happen before I was able to post it. The added information is that on my bike ride to work New Year's Eve day I hit a very large ice patch on the road and took a nasty spill. Lucky for myself it could have been much much worse. I got quite a few bruises and scratches from the crash, but remained mostly intact. I did however hit my thumb during the crash in a way that fracture it. So for the last week I have had a splint on my arm that had made my life very restrictive. Hence the reason I didn't post this entry till now.
So when I talk below of my disgust towards the year 2014 it will make more sense knowing that on the very last day of that horrible year, 2014 took one more jab at me on its way out the door. I will not give in though. 2015 will be a better year come hell or high water. Now on to the regularly scheduled program. = )
So when I talk below of my disgust towards the year 2014 it will make more sense knowing that on the very last day of that horrible year, 2014 took one more jab at me on its way out the door. I will not give in though. 2015 will be a better year come hell or high water. Now on to the regularly scheduled program. = )
*Gives 2014 a good long stare down and says* “I have tried all year to like you and although there was moments throughout the year that were good, overall you suck and I’m done with you.
I have already stressed my dislike for 2014 on many occasion, but this will be my last hurrah on the subject before I move on to 2015.
I remember quite vividly how much I wanted to make 2014 such a great year. I was in such a great place with myself at the beginning of last year and so ready to take on 2014 in a big way. Looking back I remember how good I felt about all parts of my life even up to the week before my mother died. I remember expressing much of that feeling even in the blog entry I wrote a week before my mother died.
Instead 2014 was a year of much loss and heartbreak for myself. I mean the FIRST month into the new year and I lose one of the biggest parts of my life when I lost my mother. Talk about one way to really throw everything out of synch.
I can tell you from my experience grief is a nasty thing because there is no telling what it will do to your life and or where it will take you emotionally. In many ways you are paralyzed to do anything about it and you just have to move through it. It’s like being on a roller coaster that you have no idea when you will slow down or even if it will ever get off of it. That is what 2014 has been for me. This year has been a very paralyzing and crippling year for myself especially when referring to my health progress.
My mother’s death stopped me dead in my tracks and derailed me in the true sense of the word. I haven’t really felt like myself this whole year. I have been way off track with everything that I was doing so great with prior to my mom’s death. It’s been so hard for someone who needs to push forward to allow something else( in this case grief) to take the wheel and control where I go in my life. Someone who thrives on making progress. Instead grief has been directing my life much to my dismay.
All year I have felt like I have been trying to get back to those tracks that I got derailed from at the beginning of last year. All efforts to do so have made minimal impact. It has only been in the last week or so that I have even really started to feel like myself again and that gives me the much needed strength to push forward to reclaim more of me.
I myself have spent 2014 paralyzed which is all part of the process when dealing with grief. I’m starting to see more light at the end of the tunnel. The song I picked for this blog entry is from one of the most influential bands of the last ten years of my life. The band is called Angels and Airwaves. This band helped me through much of the grief that surrounded my fathers death as well. They also helped me push forward and find a person within myself that at the time I didn’t even know was there.
The specific song that I chose by this band to connect to my reflection of 2014 is called “Paralyzed” by Angels and Airwaves. It comes off their latest album that was released in December. It was the first single released for the album and to be honest it took awhile to really connect to me. As I have been reflecting over the last week of the year tying to think of how I think of this year as a whole it started to make a lot of sense. So lets go to the lyrics.
“Paralyzed” by Angels and Airwaves
I wake to a fire in the day
A little lion safe and sound
It's a wild life, so wild, crazy
Cannot tame the crowd
Like beast in the hole, you're MIA
A little hell, you're gonna pay
You're whole at home, a telephone
The king that's here to say
Sleep and awaking to life, for a hell of a ride
Sleep and awaking to life, with your hands at your side, paralyzed
Paralyzed, paralyzed, paralyzed
(I think the chorus is what I connect to the most because it really says it all when it comes to dealing with grief. The feelings of being helpless and paralyzed.)
Out cold in the gentle rain, it's dark
A little lying set your fire
Push away and go, the stereo
A tear ruled death to part
19 with a wicked MRE
What a waste, a memory
Got a steady heart, you played your part
And now get down to the sea
Sleep and awaking to life, for a hell of a ride
Sleep and awaking to life, with your hands at your side
It's more the same, a silly old shame
A dimly lit road, it will wither and go
I climb the light post, illuminate the road
For miles away, so safely on your way
(I will find that light within myself that I lost sight of and light the road that I now take to a different and new destination.)
Sleep and awaking to life, for a hell of a ride
Sleep and awaking to life, with your hands at your side
(One of the most powerful things that death and grief can remind you of is that we are here to live life to the fullest. That life is short and precious. It reminds us what the really important things are in life.)
Sleep and awaking to life, for a hell of a ride
Sleep and awaking to life, with your hands at your side, paralyzed
Paralyzed, paralyzed, paralyzed.
As I move into 2015 I will try again to start the year with such great hopes and aspirations. I won’t give up and I will try my best to make this new year the best that I can. It has to get better right?
I wish you all the best this coming year whether or not you had a great year or bad year like myself. Life can be really rough and truly amazing. It’s up to us to make sure we make the most of it all.
As always I send this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = )
BONUS: I thought I would share the text message that my mother sent my siblings and myself last New Years Eve after the ball dropped. It goes as follows:
“HAPPY WISHES FOR THE NEW YEAR MY CURTAIN CLIMBERS! LOVE U ALL! : D”
LOVE
