2015 in review. Life through Music: "The Adventure" by Angels and Airwaves

2015 Looking back...

So it’s the last day of 2015 and I always like to look back to evaluate the year as a whole. The last few weeks in particular I have been feeling a great amount of growth within myself. I also feel that there is a great many things ahead of me, but to usher in those things in I must first look at what I must let go of to make room for the new things. I don’t make New Year’s resolutions anymore. Instead I like to map out some guidelines and intentions for the coming year.

To explain it more clearly I feel like what I imagine it must be like for an astronaut that is walking to the launch platform before he leaves the planet. On this walk I need to think about all of what I’m leaving behind and what I’m not taking with me as I prepare to launch into 2016 with full force.

I can easily say that 2015 was a much better year than 2014, but maybe that was way too easy to do. There still was too much bleed over from 2014 into 2015. I do feel though as I come out of the fog that has been my life for so long. Now with an uncluttered and focused mind I’m heading into 2016 with the intention that it will be a much better year. I would like to point out that I said the same thing going into 2014 and not even a month in it went down the shitter with the death of my mother. This time though with the knowledge that I have now to help prevent myself from slipping into a deep hole I should actually be able to help create a better year for myself. If nothing else preventing another year like 2014 from happening ever again if I can help it.

It’s been a very long time since I have picked a song of the week or a song at all on my blog. So I would like to connect this idea of walking to the launch platform as I get ready to take flight towards 2016 and a song that really helps fuel me when I’m about to head to the next level with myself. The song that I’m picking is a song that I have picked before that helped me open myself up to life back in 2008. It was a song that start a new and exciting adventure for myself. The song is called “The Adventure” by Angels and Airwaves. Even from the imagery in the video itself you can see why I connected this song to my current place in life.





Let’s go to the lyrics:

"The Adventure" by Angels and Airwaves

I wanna have the same last dream again
The one where I wake up and I'm alive
Just as the four walls close me within
My eyes are open up with pure sunlight

I'm the first to know my dearest friends
Even if your hope has burned with time
Anything that's dead shall be regrown
And your vicious pain, your warning sign
You will be fine

Hey oh, here I am
And here we go life's waiting to begin

Any type of love it will be shown
Like every single tree reach for the sky
If you're gonna fall I'll let you know
That I will pick you up like you for I

I felt this thing I can't replace
When everyone was working for this goal
Where all the children left without a trace
Only to come back as pure as gold

To recite this all

Hey oh, here I am
And here we go life's waiting to begin tonight
Hey oh, here I am
And here we go life's waiting to begin tonight
Hey oh, here I am
And here we go life's waiting to begin

I cannot live I can't breathe
Unless you do this with me
I cannot live I can't breathe
Unless you do this with me

I cannot live I can't breathe
Unless you do this with me
I cannot live I can't breathe
Unless you do this with me

I cannot live I can't breathe
Unless you do this with me
I cannot live I can't breathe
Unless you do this with me

Hey oh, here I am
(Do this with me)
Here we go life's waiting to begin
(Do this with me)
Hey oh, here I am
(Do this with me)
Here we go life's waiting to begin
Life's waiting to begin

So lets see what are some things that I’m not going to take with me...

I have spent much of the year shedding myself of things that no longer serve me. My sister and I have purged lots of stuff physically as well as mentally over the last two years.

I won’t take with me my old focus on sports from the past. I have already dropped to a much lower level than I had most of my life when it comes to sports. Sports is far from a priority for me these days. I just have more important things to do with my time. So unless watching a sporting event that is helping me to bond with my friends than it doesn’t matter much.

I won’t be taking my excessive spending on video games with me into the next year. I have already stopped putting too much money into video games. When I do buy games I’m much more particular about what games I buy. This is mainly because in all the things I have to do in my day to day video games are very low on the totem pole. I even stopped buying single player games almost exclusively because I just don’t play them. If and when I get a chance to play video games I usually like playing multiplayer games in efforts to hangout with my friends and share the experience.

I won’t be taking with me emotionally unavailable women that I have dated in the past. That has got to change. I won’t go into the details about this year’s past relationships. However, I will say that I have realized my mistakes. I will now start to listen to myself instead of trusting in the other people to tell me what is going on in a relationship when clearly it was not what they said it was. Where I’m going I don’t need that kind of woman. I will continue to be even more upfront with the women I meet in the future. I’m looking for much more.

I won’t be taking with me my bad eating habits or my self medicating through with food into the new year either. As I fell into that pit I was in for a while I did much self medicating through food to cope with the heaviness that is life. After my mother’s death I had no other way to numb myself because I don’t drink or do drugs. This made it really hard to check out when I couldn’t handle life on an emotional level. I have already started myself in a better direction with food as I have awoken from my daze.

I won’t take with me a very stagnate life style that had become my life over the last two years. I need movement in my life so much because it helps me on so many levels. It helps me keep serious focus on maintaining my health goals. Things like exercise helps me stay mentally healthy and fights off negative things like depression. Movement for me just plain makes me feel good so I must always get some of that.

I won’t take with me the negative attitude that I have carried around lately. I have to admit that the last few years I have been a real downer. I want to take the time to apologize to you right now if you were ever a victim of this at any point. Trust me I’m starting to be more positive and will continue to work on being more of an upper going forward.

I won’t take with me the lack of focus on self-care in my life as I was under a dark cloud. Self-care had become such a big part of my life over the last decade and it was amazing how easily it slipped out of my grasp as I got depressed.

I won’t take with me that negative thoughts and blame towards myself that I have carried with me much of my life. Not all of what has happened to me has been my fault or the result of me not being worthy of greater things. I deserve nice things and I am so worthy of so much more than I have given myself a chance to experience.

Now for what I will take with me into this new year....

I will pack with me my positivity towards others and life in general. This had become such a proud part of who I am as I have grown into the wonderful person that is me. Trying to find the positives to ever situation in life had become so second nature that when I got really down it was harder to remember how to do it when forcing it. This is definitely starting to resurface and you know this true because if it wasn’t there again I wouldn’t be writing this blog entry for starters.

I will take with me the love that I have for myself that helps me achieve more personal growth within myself. I cannot stress enough how important it is to love ourselves above all else. Without love for ourselves we cannot be the light for others. I love myself for you and you love yourself for me. Love is always the answer.

I will take with me the light that shines for myself and others. Not only did I love shining so bright for myself, but sharing that light with others. By holding the light for others you can help them see the light within themselves. Spread love like wildfire.

I will take my dreams with me as I go forward. I will continue to dream big dreams and help myself manifest those dreams to be. No one has the right to stop you from dreaming. That includes yourself as well. We are our own biggest barriers in life.

I will take with me my high sense of compassion and empathy in this world. This is something that we all need more of in this tough thing called life. If we could do more of seeing the world through other people’s eyes then we can do more to make the world a better place.

I will take with me my strong desire to help others. This is my soul purpose in life. Helping others gives me the most value out of life. It is what warms my heart and fuels my fire.

I will take with me my own vulnerability as I go beyond my own self. As hard as it is to be vulnerable in today’s world it has helped my personal growth so much to do so. To understand that I don’t know everything, to admit my mistakes, to ask for help when I don’t know how to do something, to just be honest and open. It sounds a lot easier in theory I know, but trust me it can reap many benefits if you allow it.

10...

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Well, that is most of the big things that I can think of right now. I’m sure more will surface as the year goes forward. Then again next New Year’s Eve I will start the process over again. I encourage you to do the same thing for yourself in what ever form serves you. I would stay clear of calling them resolutions or goals though. Instead I would encourage you to look at them as “intentions” because it’s not about just hitting a check point it’s about making long term changes that stick.

I’m not going to put 2015 in the bad year bin, but I will definitely look at it more as a transition year. There was definitely some bright spots that happened in 2015 so it wasn’t all bad, but I think 2016 can be so much better. So raise a glass and lets make a toast to greater things for all of us in 2016 and beyond. Cheers!

As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-Lite. = )

2015 D-LITE: THE FORCE AWAKENS

It’s been awhile. It feels so weird to be in front of my computer again with the sole purpose of writing for myself and yet it feels normal to get back at it. I can’t even remember when the last blog entry was made, but I know it’s been a long time.

The lack of entries from me of course is not without me making efforts to do so over the last few years. Every time I tried to make an entry it just didn’t feel right or even worse I didn’t like what I wrote down. I have really been struggling to find the light that carried me for so long. I truly lost sight of my purpose in writing over the recent years and that is definitely not a good thing for me. This lack of purpose carried over to many other parts of my life as well. There has been much grayness in my life over the past few years.

 What happened that got me to fall away from all that made me shine bright and so in love with life? Those are very good questions to ask. In fact I have been asking them to myself over and over for a long time. I have been desperately searching for that answer for too long. The answer as it turns out was in a thought that I had been ruminating on for the last two years.

See I kept thinking back to the time right before my mother died in January of 2014. I looked back and remembered how well I was doing in all parts of my life. Today I even found some hand written thoughts about myself that reflect where I was with in regards to myself back then. It was so amazing how great I felt physically, mentally, and spiritually. Seriously people I can remember walking to the transit center one night and having a very powerful moment with myself. A moment where I stopped and pause to recognize how well I felt on all levels of my life. It was truly amazing and I will never forget that moment. It is the piece of myself that I held onto that would lead me back to myself.

As it turns out the thing that shattered that great part of myself was when a week after that wonderful moment with myself my mother passed away unexpectedly. It rocked me so hard and changed my life forever. Looking back now I see how much it really did affect me. As great as I was feeling with myself I was not prepared to handle something like my mother leaving my life. I remember while I was at the hospital that night after she died I posting on my Facebook status something that basically said that I realized that the light I had found within myself had gone out with the death of my mother. I also said I knew that one day it would return again and stronger than it was before she died. At that time I had no idea how much her death would change me or let alone when the light would return.

Well, after much struggle over the last two years I’m starting to see that light again. Unfortunately to have this awakening I had to hit a bottom with it all to finally ask for real help to get out of the pit I fell into. I’m so thankful that I reached out and asked for help because it has made all the difference. I’m so very lucky to have such great people in my life that help me be my best self.

Finding this light again is a very exciting accomplishment to me because I can finally get back on the path that I was on before I was knocked so far off course. I’m so excited to feel open and free again after living under a rock for so long. I have purpose again and I’m excited to see where the light within myself will lead me to now. Where can I go from here? What can I create? What is possible?

The hardest part of discovering this light again is that I just want to jump back to where I was before my mother’s death, but it’s not that simple. I just want to GO! GO! GO! Well, not so fast Derrick. I have to have patients and much focus to get me there again. The great part is that I’m starting a new chapter that is separate from the chapter that sent me to new heights, but this new chapter is with just as much possibility if not more.

This is it for now, but there is much more that is on the way. I just wanted to get something up to tell the world that I’m back and I’m ready for the next level. Thank you for your patients and I will talk to you very soon.

As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-Lite. = )

Life Through Music:”Paralyzed” by Angels and Airwaves

Before I get into the entry I wrote for New Year's Eve I have to add a bit of back story that happen before I was able to post it. The added information is that on my bike ride to work New Year's Eve day I hit a very large ice patch on the road and took a nasty spill. Lucky for myself it could have been much much worse. I got quite a few bruises and scratches from the crash, but remained mostly intact. I did however hit my thumb during the crash in a way that fracture it. So for the last week I have had a splint on my arm that had made my life very restrictive. Hence the reason I didn't post this entry till now.

So when I talk below of my disgust towards the year 2014 it will make more sense knowing that on the very last day of that horrible year, 2014 took one more jab at me on its way out the door. I will not give in though. 2015 will be a better year come hell or high water. Now on to the regularly scheduled program. = )

*Gives 2014 a good long stare down and says* “I have tried all year to like you and although there was moments throughout the year that were good, overall you suck and I’m done with you. 

I have already stressed my dislike for 2014 on many occasion, but this will be my last hurrah on the subject before I move on to 2015. 

I remember quite vividly how much I wanted to make 2014 such a great year. I was in such a great place with myself at the beginning of last year and so ready to take on 2014 in a big way. Looking back I remember how good I felt about all parts of my life even up to the week before my mother died. I remember expressing much of that feeling even in the blog entry I wrote a week before my mother died. 

Instead 2014 was a year of much loss and heartbreak for myself. I mean the FIRST month into the new year and I lose one of the biggest parts of my life when I lost my mother. Talk about one way to really throw everything out of synch.

I can tell you from my experience grief is a nasty thing because there is no telling what it will do to your life and or where it will take you emotionally. In many ways you are paralyzed to do anything about it and you just have to move through it. It’s like being on a roller coaster that you have no idea when you will slow down or even if it will ever get off of it. That is what 2014 has been for me. This year has been a very paralyzing and crippling year for myself especially when referring to my health progress. 

My mother’s death stopped me dead in my tracks and derailed me in the true sense of the word. I haven’t really felt like myself this whole year. I have been way off track with everything that I was doing so great with prior to my mom’s death. It’s been so hard for someone who needs to push forward to allow something else( in this case grief) to take the wheel and control where I go in my life. Someone who thrives on making progress. Instead grief has been directing my life much to my dismay. 

All year I have felt like I have been trying to get back to those tracks that I got derailed from at the beginning of last year. All efforts to do so have made minimal impact. It has only been in the last week or so that I have even really started to feel like myself again and that gives me the much needed strength to push forward to reclaim more of me. 

I myself have spent 2014 paralyzed which is all part of the process when dealing with grief. I’m starting to see more light at the end of the tunnel. The song I picked for this blog entry is from one of the most influential bands of the last ten years of my life. The band is called Angels and Airwaves. This band helped me through much of the grief that surrounded my fathers death as well. They also helped me push forward and find a person within myself that at the time I didn’t even know was there.

The specific song that I chose by this band to connect to my reflection of 2014 is called “Paralyzed” by Angels and Airwaves. It comes off their latest album that was released in December. It was the first single released for the album and to be honest it took awhile to really connect to me. As I have been reflecting over the last week of the year tying to think of how I think of this year as a whole it started to make a lot of sense. So lets go to the lyrics.

“Paralyzed” by Angels and Airwaves

I wake to a fire in the day

A little lion safe and sound

It's a wild life, so wild, crazy

Cannot tame the crowd

Like beast in the hole, you're MIA

A little hell, you're gonna pay

You're whole at home, a telephone

The king that's here to say

Sleep and awaking to life, for a hell of a ride

Sleep and awaking to life, with your hands at your side, paralyzed

Paralyzed, paralyzed, paralyzed

(I think the chorus is what I connect to the most because it really says it all when it comes to dealing with grief. The feelings of being helpless and paralyzed.)

Out cold in the gentle rain, it's dark

A little lying set your fire

Push away and go, the stereo

A tear ruled death to part

19 with a wicked MRE

What a waste, a memory

Got a steady heart, you played your part

And now get down to the sea

Sleep and awaking to life, for a hell of a ride

Sleep and awaking to life, with your hands at your side

It's more the same, a silly old shame

A dimly lit road, it will wither and go

I climb the light post, illuminate the road

For miles away, so safely on your way

(I will find that light within myself that I lost sight of and light the road that I now take to a different and new destination.) 

Sleep and awaking to life, for a hell of a ride

Sleep and awaking to life, with your hands at your side

(One of the most powerful things that death and grief can remind you of is that we are here to live life to the fullest. That life is short and precious. It reminds us what the really important things are in life.)

Sleep and awaking to life, for a hell of a ride

Sleep and awaking to life, with your hands at your side, paralyzed

Paralyzed, paralyzed, paralyzed.

As I move into 2015 I will try again to start the year with such great hopes and aspirations. I won’t give up and I will try my best to make this new year the best that I can. It has to get better right? 

I wish you all the best this coming year whether or not you had a great year or bad year like myself. Life can be really rough and truly amazing. It’s up to us to make sure we make the most of it all. 

As always I send this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = )

BONUS: I thought I would share the text message that my mother sent my siblings and myself last New Years Eve after the ball dropped. It goes as follows:

“HAPPY WISHES FOR THE NEW YEAR MY CURTAIN CLIMBERS! LOVE U ALL! : D”

LOVE