It is time...time to break the silence with myself. I’m not even going to lie to you it has been a rough start to 2014. Not just with my mothers passing, but many other things that have added to it. Just when you feel like you are getting a grip on life it pulls away from you. It has been hard in many ways to find my footing. I’m very lucky, however, because over the last few months I have had so many great people help me try to at least keep one foot on the ground. I’m very thankful for this. Some people have been amazed that I’m functioning as well as I have been in light of my mother passing. Trust me there is much that is going on inside me in every moment.
I have not written an entry since about a week before my mother passed away and it hasn’t been because I haven’t wanted to or lack of thoughts to write about. It’s just been hard to put the words together. I feel that is was very fitting that the last song that I wrote about was a song that reminded me that you get what you give. I say that because over the last month or so I have received so much love from so many people. So much so that It has been so overwhelming at times, but in the best way possible. Which must mean I’m doing something right? I really don’t have the words that really express how grateful I am, but I am.
This blog has helped me in so many ways and has become a big part of me. I write not only for myself however I write to help others as well. We all are trying to make our way through this crazy thing called life. I try to give a positive spin on the craziness that we all deal with on a daily. This is something I must continue to do for my own soul and just the hope that it helps others.
Without a doubt my mother was my number one fan of this blog and my most avid reader. Although she is not here in the present to read my blog anymore I do believe that she still is reading this from the other side. Therefore, I must continue to write because I know how much she loved reading my writing.
So, I will kick off the beginning of many entries to come from yours truly by getting back to my song of the week. What better song of the week to pick than a song from one of my favorite bands Coldplay. The song I chose is one of the singles that was released for their album coming out very soon. It is a song I heard a few weeks ago and I have played it a lot since then. When I first heard this song I loved it and it hit so close to home for me. The song is called “Magic” and it is very in tune with where I’m at lately when I think of my mother, but let me explain more in detail.
My mother did not have much in her life by way of material things and lived a very simple life. In her passing she actually had much more to give than we originally thought, but what she had to gift came in many different ways. Most notably I got my mothers car. Which is great in many ways because I haven’t had the freedom that comes with a car in many years. This opens many doors for me in the near future, but everything has a cost of course. When my mother was alive she used that car to help me get around to various appointments and such. It was our way of spending time with each other. I didn’t just allow her to help me without giving back though. I used that time doing errands to spend some quality time with her. Looking back now I’m so glad that I took that time. I would take her to lunch often or some times it was as simple as coming over to her apartment for a bit and maybe changing the lightbulb in the light fixture above her bed (which I did many times). In fact I’m still mad at her because I was supposed to take her to lunch the Monday before she passed. What I’m getting at is she gave me a great many things from her passing to which I’m forever grateful for. The truth of the matter is that the only thing I truly want is my mother back. I was not truly ready to have our relationship we had worked so hard for to just end. Which brings me back to the song “Magic” by Coldplay. Lets look at the lyrics to help explain why I made the connections between my mother and I.
"Magic"
Call it magic
Call it true
Call it magic
When I'm with you
And I just got broken
Broken into two
Still I call it magic
When I'm next to you
(I think back on all the time that we spent together throughout the years and I can’t help but smile. Even though your departure from this earth has left me heartbroken. When I think back of being around you it reminds me that I do believe in the magic. The magic that is true love. Love in it’s highest form. You taught me everything I know about how to love and I will not forget that.)
And I don't, and I don't and I don't, and I don't
No, I don't,
It's true
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't
No, I don't,
It's true
I don't, no, I don't no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you
(It’s true. It’s so very true. I know you would want me to have the car that you use to help me, but I don’t truly need it. I want you. I would trade it all for you.)
Ooooh ooh ooh
Call it magic
Cut me into two
And with all your magic
I disappear from view
And I can't get over
Can't get over you
Still I call it magic
(I do feel that I have been split into two pieces with your death. Meaning the Derrick that was before you died and the Derrick that has to live his life without you. So much magic you gave me and my life will never be the same without you. So much love you gave me that can never be replaced. I can’t get over it and yet I still call every moment I had with you magic.)
It's such a precious jewel
(She was such a shining light in my life. She will continue to be, but in a different way. Whenever you see me truly smile or my eyes sparkle there she is.)
And I don't, and I don't and I don't, and I don't
No, I don't,
It's true
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't
No, I don't,
It's true
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you
(No one else but you.)
Wanna fall
I fall so far
I wanna fall
I fall so hard
And I call it magic
And I call it true
I call it magic
Ooooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooh ooh
And if you were to ask me
After all that we've been through
Still believe in magic
Oh yes I do
Oh yes I do
Yes I do
Oh yes I do
Of course I do
(Not every moment in my relationship with my mother was perfect or great. We had many years of struggle. We never gave up on each other though and I’m so lucky for that. I’m so glad I made that effort because there is nothing more magical than your mothers love. Yes. Yes of course. Yes of course I do. Yes of course I love you and I will always miss you mom.)
No matter how low this thing call life tries to get me I will always keep looking up. No matter how high the climb is to get out of the holes life puts you in the view from the top is always worth it. I hope all of you have been taking good care of yourselves and enjoying every moment. I will be in touch.
As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = )
