Life Through Music: “What now?” by Rhianna

I mad a decision a long time ago that I have chosen a path of feeling. That means I have chosen in my life to be present in every moment. I gave up things like alcohol to feel life in every moment. This seems easy in theory of course, but its a lot more difficult to actually do. It’s not an easy path to go down as I have come to find out. What makes it so difficult is because although the good times are great to be felt in their entirety, the flip side to this coin is that the bad times can be very hard to feel in their entirety as well. 

So, this last week the heaviness of the energy in my life came to the forefront. Through many things going on in my life I was forced to deal with it. Some of the things that came up were old things and some of the rest were new things that I had to process.  

One of my biggest problems is that I get restless. This restlessness gets me into many problems with myself. First thing that usually happens when I get restless is that I don’t sleep well or long enough because my mind is running full speed trying to figure out every thing in my life at once. Then because I don’t sleep correctly everything else in my life gets very off track. The best way to explain just how my restlessness screws me up is to imagine a set of dominos. These dominos are set up in a neat evenly dispersed arrangement. Then my restlessness comes right in and just starts knocking over all the dominos in no particular order. To keep myself going in a positive direction I need all those dominos to fall in the correct order. This is why being restless is bad for me.

I don’t just become restless all at once it’s usually something that creeps up on me slowly. Sometimes I catch it before it gets to me and sometimes I don’t. This last week it finally caught up to me. 

Through a few changes I have made more recently I have really quieted down the noise that plays in my life. In essence I have had to sit with the silence I created from making those changes. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea knowing how restless I get or maybe it would have happened anyway. 

Regardless, I was there by myself sitting with the silence and just feeling. Trying to not to figure out everything that was going on in my mind, but instead I was just feeling and processing how I felt. It was a process of listening to my heart and my mind at the same time. This is a very difficult thing to do and I became very overwhelmed many times over the last week. There is much to learn about life and yourself from this process. 

I stayed in it because these are the moments in life that help you heal and grow. As the week went along some new sounds came in my life to help me as I started to make sense of my feelings. That is when I came across this week’s song of the week. The song I picked for my song of the week I found when I was going to YouTube to look up a different song. When I went to do this YouTube’s home page had this song’s music video featured right below the search box. Something in me urged me to click on the video so I did. I took a chance and I was glade I did. 

The song “What Now?” by Rhianna seemed a perfect fit even from the title itself. Because that was much of what I was feeling with my life at that moment. Everything didn’t seem to make sense or I couldn’t see the future in many things I was doing. So, what I literally was thinking of my life as a whole during this rough patch was “Well, what now Derrick?”. 

Lyrics:

"What Now"

I've been ignoring this big lump in my throat

I shouldn't be crying, tears were for the weaker days

I'm stronger now, or so I say,

But something's missing

Whatever it is, it feels like

It's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror

Whatever it is, it's just laughing at me

And I just wanna scream

What now? I just can't figure it out

What now? I guess I'll just wait it out (wait it out)

What now? Oh, oh, oh, oh! What now?

I found the one, he changed my life

But was it me that changed

And he just happened to come at the right time

I'm supposed to be in love

But I'm numb again

Whatever it is, it feels like

It's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror

Whatever it is, it's just sitting there laughing at me

And I just wanna scream

What now? I just can't figure it out

What now? I guess I'll just wait it out (wait it out)

What now? Please tell me

What now?

There's no one to call 'cause I'm just playing games with them all

The more I swear I'm happy, the more that I'm feeling alone

'Cause I spent every hour just going through the motions

I can't even get the emotions to come out

Dry as a bone, but I just wanna shout

What now? I just can't figure it out

What now? I guess I'll just wait it out (wait it out)

What now? Somebody tell me

What now?

I don't know where to go

I don't know what to feel

I don't know how to cry

I don't know oh oh why

I don't know where to go

I don't know what to feel

I don't know how to cry

I don't know oh oh why

I don't know where to go

I don't know what to feel

I don't know how to cry

I don't know ow ow why

So what now?

I have more recently become a fan of Rhianna’s music. Not all of it, but there is something about that voice that draws me in with the right message being con vied. In this song there is much that I connect with. The real hook for me was the chorus when she sings “What now?” over and over.

In a way this fits right into a lot of what has been going on astrologically of late. There has been a big shift this month about letting go to the things in your life that no longer serve you. It hasn’t been just me that has felt this shift and heaviness. As I reached out to others I know that are doing the work they shared similar feelings as myself. That definitely helped to hear others going through this too and to get the feeling that I wasn’t alone in all of this.

Let go. 

It seems so easy saying it, but it’s harder to do. As I change I have had to reassess many things that are in my life. That means really looking at the things that are important to me and the things that I chose to focus my energy on. That means even letting go to somethings that have been with me my whole life. At times I wanted to just rid myself of every thing in my apartment. I didn’t do that of course, but it got me thinking a lot about what I have in my house. There is going to be some changes going on over the next few months for sure. I have a feeling that it will be hard, but also very necessary. It might just be the refreshment I need. 

It wasn’t just material things I felt like letting go of either, it was also many other things in my life. Things I do in my life. Things I waste my time on. People that I have in my life. The effort I put in for relationships with people that I don’t really get the same effort back. I’m telling you it was a serious week for me and I really thought about many things on a high level. It’s all part of the process I kept telling myself. So, I continue to work at it because that is the only way that it will get better. 

As I write this entry I'm feeling much better. I still know there is always work to be done within ourselves, but for now I feel better about a lot of things. Also, I feel that I'm in touch with myself again and that is always a good feeling. Just keep doing the work. 

Out of the darkest moments we rise again to see the light for what it really is. Live in the love, the love that just is. That is my hope for everyone on this planet. 

As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = )

Life Through Music: “Somewhere Only We Know” by Keane

I don’t know why, but during the fall I always feel so nostalgic or reminiscent. Maybe its because we are getting close to an end of another year. Maybe it’s because fall has many holidays that are filled with many memories of family and friends over various times in my life. Fall to me is a time to reflect on the year that has past. To shed my leaves and prepare for the rebirth of myself in the spring. 

  

Last week I had the privilege to tag along with my sister Paula as she went to take pictures of all the places that she has ever lived in her life for a school project. Naturally being her brother for all but two and a half years of her life I have actually been involved in many of the places she had on her list to visit. Not just because she and I are brother and sister, but also because we lived together many years later after living with my mother. 

I don’t need to go through each and every spot that we visited last Monday, but what I do want to mention is that it was crazy to go back and see places that I lived in the past. Some of those places even decades ago now. It is also no surprise that many of the places that we visited looked very different from they did when I was a kid. Its always amazing how big things seemed when I was younger, but are much smaller now that I am older. Just seeing how the neighborhoods look now that years have past. Its both amazing and sad to me see each place we visited because although you can enjoy the memories you had there during that time period you can never go back to or stop the change that has happened since you have moved on. Change is the only thing in life that is inevitable. 

This is the apartment that is straight across from the apartment I actually lived in when I was about 4.
Why I'm showing this apartment instead of the one I lived in?
 Because this is where I met my first best friend Brait.

This is the house I have spent the longest time at in my life.
It didn't look this nice when we left it, but the owners who bought it have done a great job with it.

This is the view at the end of the street from where my grand parent's (on my dad's side) house is in St. John near the University of Portland.  

The song that I picked for this week and last week is a song that my sister played while we were in the car between stops. This song “Somewhere Only We Know” and really the whole album by Keane definitely have the feeling of fall for me. It’s mood fits the feeling of fall and all the things that fall beings up for me. Even in the music video for this song it has many fall shots in it. So fitting that it was a day of sharing somewhere that we only know and have shared between just me and my sister for the most part all these years. 

Lyrics:

"Somewhere Only We Know"

I walked across an empty land

I knew the pathway like the back of my hand

I felt the earth beneath my feet

Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone?

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree

I felt the branches of it looking at me

Is this the place we used to love?

Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone?

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go

Talk about it somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go

Somewhere only we know?

Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone?

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go

Talk about it somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go?

So why don't we go?

Ah-ah-ah

Ah-ah-ah

This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go

Somewhere only we know?

Somewhere only we know?

Somewhere only we know?

I don’t directly connect to what the lyrics say, but the repeating of “Somewhere only we know” seem to fit the feeling that my sister and I had as we took a trip down memory lane for a good portion of our life so far. 

I say it all the time, but I don’t care if I sound like a broken record because I truly have the best sister in the world. During the day we made a stop to have lunch at Dick’s Kitchen downtown and we had one of the best talks we have ever had. Between that and the food it will go down as one of the best times I have spent with my sister. We even shared a vegan pumpkin chocolate shake that was so good. I guess I should throw in the whole day because it really was so perfect. She is my rock in life and has helped me through this crazy thing called life. 

The sun shined the whole day which made the fall colors brighter than they already were on a day that the temperature was as warm as anyone could ask for in November here in Oregon. It’s a day I won’t soon forget and I will add it to all the other memories that I visited on that day.  

It’s always a tough process to see what things you must let fall away and see what stays at the core of you. To make room in the spring with new growth on what is left behind and build on this growth to begin anew. 

As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = )

I failed.

I had one job. One thing that I was responsible for, and you know what?

I failed. 

As I walked to over to my sister to tell her the bad news, that feeling of failure washed over me. The best outcome of this interaction with my sister was that I owned up to my mistake right away. It may have helped if I had known it earlier, but I really didn’t realize I had messed up till she asked me what my responsibility was. I felt so stupid because what was asked of me was so easy I could have done it at any point during the days leading up to the event. What a horrible feeling it is to let down someone that you care so much about. Shortly after I realized that I had messed up, my mind went to work trying to figure out how I could fix the problem. 

A few days before I was to attend my Aunt Natalie’s wedding, I was asked if I could get a instrumental version of the song “Come Away With Me” by Norah Jones. I was to have it on some device that could play through my now uncle Pete’s amplifier. This day in age its as easy to buy a song digitally on most mobile devices with a simple tap of the screen. So why didn’t I just buy a version right after I was notified that my aunt wanted that song? Well, some sort of perfectionist in me wanted to pick the right version of the song. When I looked in itunes there was plenty to choose from and they all sounded a little bit different. Most of the versions were set up for karaoke. So, I thought I will do some research and figure out which one is the best version because if this is my one responsibility in helping out the wedding I wanted to do my best. 

Well, turns out that instead I did my worst. I just forgot about it all together. Something I do more and more as I get older. There is always too many things going on in my head. I have so many reminders on my phone these days and I write notes to myself all the time to not forget things. There was no reminder set or note written for this task and my one responsibility completely slipped my mind till my sister called me over from the deck of my aunt’s house. 

Damn it, Derrick. 

Now normally none of this would have mattered. I would have just went to my phone and downloaded the song right then and there. Problem was that was where my aunt was having her wedding. I was on the very property owned by the two people getting married. That property is in a place that is off the grid for the most part. I did not get reception at there place at all. Not even a little bit. 

 After I told my sister that I didn’t have the song I took a walk down their driveway and out towards the highway. For some reason I told myself that I thought I actually got reception from the highway that was near their place. Maybe it was just me trying to do something instead of standing around doing nothing. Regardless, when I made it to the highway, I didn’t find any reception either. What I did find was some confidence to go back to the house and try to figure something else out. 

On my long walk back I remembered that Pete and Nat had said they had wifi set up for anyone that wanted to use it when we stayed at their house during past reunions. As I got closer to the house I pulled out my phone and tried frantically to connect to their wifi. I tried for awhile with no luck and I remembered back to last reunion that I had trouble connecting to it then too. I hung out on the deck still working it through my head of any other way to fix the problem. I checked through the list of songs on my phone already to see if for some reason I had that song or I had any other song that might work in it’s place. No luck. 

I found myself on the deck beating myself up for being so stupid. I heard them in the house trying to figure out what to do. Something so simple became so complicated so fast. 

I was gazing down at the people gathering in the yard for the ceremony, when my mother, who was standing out there, noticed the look on my face and asked me, “What’s wrong?” I proceeded to tell her what I had done. She did three things that I suppose any good mother would do. She told me that it would be alright, she hugged me, and then she made a comment about the fact that she had already messed up plenty of things that day already. The last part made me laugh because of how she said it and also made me realize mistakes do happen. 

Her efforts calmed me down quite a bit, but I was still feeling the failure. Music is my thing and I love doing audio things for people. I really do. How could I have forgotten to do this to a woman that I love so much on a very important day?

So what they had come up with between themselves in the house was that they were going to buy it on the laptop and play it through that. It looked as though the problem was going to be solved. I stayed around and tried to stay connected to the process. I was still put in charge of playing the music during the ceremony. It was all hooked up and then the laptop started having issues. My mind went to work again. I problem solve with computers all the time. This laptop however was not playing nice. We were running out of options. 

Plan B was initiated. Different song on an actual cd played on the stereo of their truck backed up in the area of the ceremony. It wasn’t ideal, but at this point we were running behind and out of options. Pete backed the truck up and when he got out I hopped in and went to work. 

I hit play and slowly cracked up the volume. It was a song I had never heard before called “A Case Of You” by Joni Mitchell. Now I know Norah Jones' song “Come Away With Me” very well. Its a beautiful song without a doubt, but this backup song however I think actually might have fit this ceremony much better than the Norah Jones track. I kept the volume loud, but respectful to the situation.

As the song played, I watched from the truck as my aunt and soon to be uncle made their way down the hill toward the crowd of people waiting for them. I tried very hard to hold back the tears that slowly made their way to my eyes. Even as my aunt tripped on her way down the hill I smiled. She recovered quite nicely and said something funny. I couldn’t hear what she said from where I was, but could see everyone laughing so she said something great as she always seemed to do. They slowly made their way towards my sister the master of ceremonies and everyone one stood up. I slowly faded the music out as they reached the front. When I had everything turned off and was about to get out of the truck I looked down at the clock on the dash and it read 3:33. Instantly all the failure and the worry that I had earlier was washed away with pure love and understanding that it all worked out just as it was suppose to. The number 333 is magical for me and whenever it pops up in my life, it sets things in balance for me. Thank you, Universe. I needed that. 

I quickly made it down to the ceremony and sat in the back row and tried again to hide the tears as my sister put on such a great wedding for them. My sister as usual made me so proud, not because I was surprised she was capable of doing such great heartfelt things, but because everyone else gets to see what she is capable of. She gave a performance filled with words that were funny, compelling, and full of love. They got married under the plum tree on their property and they couldn’t have picked a better place. The weather up until the day of their wedding was overcast and cold. Not on this day. The sun shined so perfectly upon them and all those that watched them take the next step in their relationship. 

Before I move on from the ceremony under the plum tree, I wanted to bring up something else that I thought was so cute that happened as they were getting married. Pete and Natalie have 5 big dogs that live with them. During the ceremony, the dogs were suppose to be locked in their house. Well, someone forgot to shut the front door and so they all made their way down to be included in the wedding. Which was cute on it’s own and the way it should be since those dogs are just a big a part of each others lives as they are to them. The moment with the dogs that stood out to me the most was the last dog to make it down the hill. It was their dog Raven. Raven has been dealing with some really bad arthritis in her back hips. I watched her earlier in the day and it was very sad to watch her struggling to walk around. She is the leader of the group of dogs and such a sweet dog too. So, halfway through the proceedings I look to my right from where I was sitting and there was Raven slowly trying to make her way down the hill towards the ceremony. She stumbled and kind of took breaks with each person she passed by on her way to the front. Too adorable. To me it looked like her efforts to make it to the wedding were like a person crawling their way to the wedding and saying “I’m here! I’m here! I wouldn’t miss it for the world!” She made her way to the front and finally laid down so she could watch the rest of the ceremony. 

My faith in relationships is restored as I watched my aunt Natalie and now my uncle Pete go through the ceremony of getting married. All the fussing, planning, arranging, spending, stressing, and in my case failing, were worth it for this moment. This moment was for two people that really, truly love each other and have for a long time. They have taken the next step in this thing called life.

After they kissed, we all made our way back up to the house. We ate at the backside of the house together. There were two rows of tables set up and a mini bar close by. As the outside mini bar opened up the two families kind of mingled for a bit getting to know each other as the tables were finished being set up for dinner. 

It was very nice to chat with some of Pete’s family members. This mingling continued into the wonderful catered meal we had. Ed, one of Pete’s older brothers, gave a wonderful speech for my aunt and uncle. 

After dinner, most of us made our way down to the live band and outside dance floor that was set up. Some of us, like myself, sat around the campfire. Much dancing ensued as the night went on. Eventually, everyone either made their way home or ended up around the campfire.

It’s true that I messed up and that can never be fixed, but why I’m sharing this moment is to show that the day was not ruined just because of my failure. Everything worked out just as it was suppose to. It was truly a wonderful time spent and my failure was only a blip on the radar of everything else that went right with their wedding.

The things that we get caught up on that most of the time aren’t the real things that matter. Just keep that in mind the next time you’re in a similar situation because in life we will all have them. 

As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = )  

Life Through Movies and Music: “Bridesmaids” & “Hold On” by Wilson Phillips

That’s right you read it correctly.  I’m doing a combination of both movie and music for this week pick of the week. The two-forms of media are very connected and so it’s only natural that they made an appearance in an entry together. 

This last Sunday night I had a friend over to watch a movie. This Sunday she brought a selection of movies to watch. She brought three movies to choose from that were all great movies, but I immediately picked “Bridesmaids” out of the bunch. Because it is a movie that I missed out on for quite some time and many people have told me to watch it. So, to avoid more ridicule from the masses I thought that I should add it to the movies I have seen. 

It was a great movie and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I didn’t however laugh as much as I thought I would given how much people laughed even mentioning the movie. That is not to say the movie isn’t funny because it is. I look at things a lot differently these days because of my current desires to create things that are humorous as well. So, in a way I’m taking notes on the things that I see to help build my comedic knowledge. 

What I did pay more attention to in the movie was the main character as she struggles especially in her love life. There are many similarities between genders even though the movie was more focused on trying to show the female side of love life interactions. 

One thing I could totally relate to was her many awkward moments when being single in a group of not single people. Especially when you go to such things as weddings. Yes, weddings are the worst at least in my experience. There is plenty more awkward situations out there for us single people especially the older you get. 

Holding strong to who I am as a person and the main reason for why I’m currently single. This at times has been weird for those around me at some level. Truth be told there is a lot about being single that I like obviously since I have stayed that way for a good portion of my life. There has been a message that has been going through my mind over this last week that I cannot ignore. That message is this:

If I thought that being with someone was something I needed to feel complete in life then I would have been with someone long ago. It is not and will never be. 

That is not to say I don’t want to find someone to share life with. What it does mean is I rather not mess around with something that does not serve me. I’m an Aries by nature and I’m rather independent in general. I also look for that in someone I could be with as well. That kind of independence is not found with those that cannot stand on their own. 

There is so much about relationships that can bog people down. This just isn’t about me however its about standing on my own so someone can stand next me on their own as well. 

I want the same things for my partner that I want for everyone else in the world. I want them to live life to the fullest at every moment. I never want to stand in the way of anyone else’s ambitions. I want to support and inspire them as much as possible. To let them be them and let me be me.   

It’s true that I have been guilty over the years of holding on to situations that would never serve me well. If Laura wasn’t a prime example of that I don’t know what is. I’m not trying to make this out to be a pity party for myself anymore. I know now that I’m the one that controls whether this part of my life changes or not. I have really started to think of things differently and although I could really relate to the good guy in the movie getting looked over and treated poorly. All that stuff has happened to me in my love life, but that is all in the past now. I cannot change the past anymore than you can. I just keep moving forward and try to put myself in better situations and all will come in due time. Which leads me right into the song for this week.

Oh Wilson Phillips where have you been all these years. I know this group, not because I chose to listen to them back in the day, but rather it was my sister who blared music in the morning as we got ready for school. Wilson Phillips was some of that music that she played a lot. I also have a few years of country music that is stuck in my head still somewhere because of this. 

When Wilson Phillips was on steady rotation on Z100 my sister was all about it and because of that this album will always be stuck in my head. This song was in Bridesmaids towards the end of the movie and a full version was played again during the credits. Hearing it again after all these years it brought up many memories, but what is more important is it has much relevance to what I have been talking about.

 Lets go to the lyrics and see:

"Hold On"

I know this pain

Why do lock yourself up in these chains?

No one can change your life except for you

(Yes, No one can change this except for you.)

Don't ever let anyone step all over you

(Nobody deserves to be suppressed. Ever.)

Just open your heart and your mind

(Always.)

Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

[Chorus:]

Some day somebody's gonna make you want to

Turn around and say goodbye

Until then baby are you going to let them

Hold you down and make you cry

Don't you know?

Don't you know things can change

Things'll go your way

If you hold on for one more day

Can you hold on for one more day

Things'll go your way

Hold on for one more day

(The only thing that is guaranteed in life is that change is inevitable.)

You could sustain

Or are you comfortable with the pain?

You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness

You got yourself into your own mess

(It’s true. Your happiness is controlled by no one but yourself.)

Lettin' your worries pass you by

Don't you think it's worth your time

To change your mind?

(Is it time to make a change and think of life differently?)

[Chorus]

I know that there is pain

But you hold on for one more day and

Break free the chains

Yeah I know that there is pain

But you hold on for one more day and you

Break free, break from the chains

(Break free from the chains that were never there in the first place.)

Some day somebody's gonna make you want to

Turn around and say goodbye

Until then baby are you going to let them

Hold you down and make you cry

Don't you know?

Don't you know things can change

Things'll go your way

If you hold on for one more day yeah

If you hold on

Don't you know things can change

Things'll go your way

If you hold on for one more day,

If you hold on

Can you hold on

Hold on baby

Won't you tell me now

Hold on for one more day 'Cause

It's gonna go your way

Don't you know things can change

Things'll go your way

If you hold on for one more day

Can't you change it this time

Make up your mind

Hold on

Hold on

Baby hold on

(Till I find something that is a better fit for me then I will hold on for one more day...)

Because if being single means I’m happy and being the best version of myself then single it will be for the rest of my life. I plan on maintaining my happiness and my myself, and I will not compromise myself to follow the norm.

I know I know Derrick always has to dig deeper and find something to build off of. He can’t just enjoy a comedy for being a comedy. This is just how I see life through my lens and I hope you take something away with you. It’s great movie if you haven’t seen it already you should. 

As always I bring this to you with so much love and pure D-lite. = )