Do guys have fat days too?

Absolutely. In fact, I probably have them more than most of the women I know. You're probably thinking for those that have followed my progress over this blog, or just my progress in my life in general, that how can he still have struggles with this issue when he has made so much progress? Well I do. I mean I have lost somewhere around 150 plus pounds since I was at my largest size. If you think about it 150 pounds is a whole other person. The struggles I have when it comes to this subject goes very deep with me. I have said before that I am not done with my journey to the body I want. It's a process and with every pound that is shed off this body it reveals an emotion or wound that was covered up. There have definitely been points along this road that have leveled off from the ups and downs this path has taken me. Each time it has leveled off it is a struggle to keep pushing forward without progress, whether its up or down. Sometimes, I have to keep going without even a hill in the distance to give me that push to keep driving straight knowing that there is an upside to the hard work that I’m doing everyday. Faith is sometimes not enough to keep me above the pain that is deep inside me. This isn’t the only time I have felt this stuck. Everyday it seems I have to remind myself of the thought that when I was 350 pounds plus I never thought I would be where I am with my body right now. It seems though that the smaller amount of weight I need to lose the harder it gets. So, lately I have been very reserved and not my normal happy self. Those that know me well can see it written all over my face. They may not know exactly why I have been feeling the way I have been, but they know something is going on deep within myself. Well the truth of the matter is I’m digging deep within myself. Excuse my language, but “ I’m digging through the shit” is the exact words I used when talking to my sister about what was going on with me. What is it that's blocking my vision of the future me and where I want to be? Lots of things, but I would like to talk about some of the biggest issues I have been facing of late. 

This is me in 2005 after my father died
and I got serious about changing my life.
I wanted these pictures to remind
me of where I started. 

What the hell
was going on with my hair? I
think I just work up. lol

First problem I have point blank is I’M TIRED OF BEING FAT. I know that seems so trivial. I mean who likes being fat anyway, right? I have spent most of my life fat, but not just fat. Technically I have been morbidly obese. I hate it. In fact, medically speaking, even with all the weight I have lost I’m still currently in the obese category. I hate how much of my life was cut short by not being able to be free of the weight holding me down. I’m sick of it. Beyond sick of it. There is one thing that continually keeps feeding this thought of being fat. It's the mirror in the employee bathrooms at my work. I hate that mirror so much. When I look at myself in that mirror it doesn't matter how far I have come, how hard I work, or where I'm at now. My reflection in that mirror just slaps me in the face with the reality, "you're fat". The weird part is not every mirror makes feel this way. Sure I don't look perfect in the mirror in my bathroom at my house, but I feel ok with where my body is when I look at my reflection in that mirror. It's that damn mirror in the bathroom at work that won't let me get up and over this feeling. This is the mirror I see five days a week. The mirror I change in front of from my bike gear to my work clothes and back again. Doing anything in front of this mirror allows me to see everything. I'm not the only person to feel this way about that mirror from the few people I have opened up to and asked about it that I work with. Well that made me feel a little better, but not enough. This mirror connects directly to the pain inside me and helps it grow. So you would probably say to me, “Its just a mirror. Don’t let it get you down. Let it go. It's probably the lighting in that bathroom or something don't let it get to you.” I know because those are all things I have already said to myself. But every week when I start my work week there is that damn mirror, haunting me and reminding me. What you need to understand is I'm not just trying to lose a few pounds to be healthy. I want that feeling of being proud of the body I am in when I look in any mirror. 

Just using this picture to
show that I wasn't always fat.

And then it began.... I'm a
bit more than "Husky" now...
Just look at how big my
earlobe is. lol

Again with that damn hair...lol

Next up,lets talk about pictures and what I see when I look at pictures of me both old and new. When looking at pictures of me that are current I actually sort of feel okay with myself, but I’m still not ever 100% ok with the person in the picture. I know this is very common not very many people feel photogenic, but there has to be a better way then how I feel when I look at pictures of myself. Sure when I look at really old pictures I can see the progress and say I’m not that person anymore. But current pictures that is another story. Anyone would laugh if they knew how much time really goes into taking each picture I take of myself and share with the world. One simple pic could look like a whole days photo shoot on my camera roll on my iphone. With each great picture of myself that I like there, is always something being hidden. Certain things that I do to help hide myself are as simple as only taking shots of me only from the shoulders up, turned a certain way in the mirror, or even just taken when I’m wearing certain clothes. To go even further with this thought of hiding myself, I do it subconsciously as well. I thought about this the other day when I was looking at my face in the mirror. I have a scar thats up above my left eye that was from a surgery years ago to remove a benign cyst. Well why does this matter? Years ago I started wearing my baseball hat with the bill off to the left side. I couldn't figure out why I chose to wear it on the left side and not the right. It was my scar from the surgery. I was trying hide it and I didn't even realize I was doing that to myself. Interesting part about this scar is it really doesn’t bother me much even when I’m not wearing a hat. I have come a long way, but I’m still hiding. The reason I hide is because I’m not quite where I want to be yet. 

Now heading into my teenage years

All I know is I made my
co-workers laugh and in
the end that is what I
love to do the most.
Make laughter.

Now, since we are talking about hiding another sore subject with myself is my material self that covers up my outside. I know everyone can relate to the process in which we dress ourselves. I have lost a lot of weight and feel the best I have ever felt  about myself in my entire life. Even with this feeling of greatness, if you look in my closet most of my clothes are still dark colored. I’m definitely not on the level to rock a pink polo like I have told myself I would when I get to my desired weight. One day I will. I dread stupid things like wearing white unless it’s on the bottom half of me. Most of my shirts are black, so much in fact you would think that I’m goth or something. I even went running in my neighborhood this summer when it was around 90 degrees in a black shirt. Yes, because even in the blazing heat of the sun I was still trying to hide my fat as much as I could. Even when I’m out doing something that is helping to take care of what I’m still hiding. That’s how pained I am about this subject. I use to get scared when anyone would asked me to go to some event that required formal attire. I had a hard enough time finding casual clothes to wear. Getting formal clothes was even more degrading to my self esteem. I can’t wait till the day I feel comfortable wearing anything I like. I mean even when I go to the store to try on clothes I have to work myself through it. I always have to tell myself to be okay with where I am “right now” and find the things I feel the most comfortable in. Thankfully, I have lost enough weight that makes it easier to do this process because I can find clothes that fit. Still many things I want to wear are turned away in this process. Even with all the progress I have made I’m still tired of this process. So sick of playing this game with myself. Now I know granted even the most fit people don’t just put anything on and it looks good, but I know their freedom to wear whatever they want is a lot better than mine. I want that freedom and I’m going to get that freedom.  

Me at prom. The woman in the picture
was one of many woman that walked
all over my heart. 

Captain Heine ARRRRRRgh!

Senior picture.

This process of tearing through all the hurtful things I got called over the years to getting turned down by every girl I liked till even into my early twenties. My struggles with women have gone on for my whole life actually. One of the most painful moments I can remember was on one of the nights I was hanging out with my mom. I remember towards the end of that night as I was eating a banana slit at dairy queen with her when I asked, "Why don't any of the girls like me?". I don't even remember my moms response. I just remember crying so hard. Really hard. That’s all I remember after asking my mom that question was, just me crying uncontrollably. I cry even now as I think about that moment and read what I just wrote. She said something sweet to me I know she did. My mom always made me feel like I was greater than I was and I suppose that is what a good mom should do. She was the one woman besides my sisters that always loved me no matter what. Looking back to when I was very young during the first and second grade era I actually got a lot of attention from girls. Now, I know looks aren’t everything and the body shouldn’t be all of what someone looks at, but once I started to put on weight in third grade it kicked that attention from women out the door. This happened at a young age and stayed that way till my early 20’s. I understand now that if I’m truly going to find the healthy relationship with someone that has the same values about and is heading towards similar goals with themselves is I have to get there myself and project that. This is not to say there is anything wrong with those people out there with extra weight on themselves. We are all struggling. The difference for me is when I get attention from people like that I see the pain and the hurt. It’s going to sound selfish, but I am heading in the other direction. There is no person on this planet that doesn’t come without baggage, but unless they are really doing the same work as myself I can’t add their baggage on to my heavy load that I’m already digging through and getting rid of myself. This isn’t to say that I haven’t gotten attention at all from women over the years. Because I have and some really nice women actually, but none of them quite helped me get where I want to go. My last relationship probably being the best. Even still there were things that weren’t helping either. So here is the deal, I have always said that I want to match the outside of body with the inside. I’m proud of the person I have become on the inside now it’s time for the outside to catch up.

Not thrilled to have this pic taken and I'm sure you
can see why. 

Me at Hagg Lake still rocking the Blonde Highlights.
I was the lead singer of the heavier version of the
Backstreet boys. 

My 21st Birthday. I really look like my dad here.
Just that look on my face. Oh and I look very
drunk too. lol 

So, before I conclude this entry I feel like I need to explain exactly what I mean by being proud of the body I have and what that body looks like to the world. Well to start off a good example of what I realized I wanted came from a recent rafting trip I went on. I’m always looking for examples of the kind of fit body that I want. On the rafting trip that I just went on showed me what it is I think I have been looking for. I saw a few men on the trip that showed me the confidence that I want with my body and self.  These guys are not like super tone or built like guys on the front of a muscle builder magazine. They were just simple guys and very normal looking guys. These men did something with confidence that I haven’t been able to do and be ok with since I was a very young child. That thing I am talking about is to be able go around without a shirt on. See its not just about being sexy or attractive to the others. For me is I just want to be comfortable in my own body just the way it is. I spend majority of my time spent at my house in my birthday suit, but when I step outside all I do is hide. No that doesn’t mean I’m trying to get to the point that I can walk around nude. I just want to be comfortable just being me no matter where I am in the world or what I look like in the world. It’s confidence in myself that I’m looking for. 

Me at Christmas time rocking 49ers gear

My buddy J.J. and me in tuxedos
for my buddy Braits wedding. 

Me at Multnomah Falls in the fall.
Look at my hand it looks HUGE
in the pic. lol

So, there you have it. Guys have fat days too. Or now you at least know I do. Yes, I have hard time looking at myself in the mirror, I spend a lot of time trying to decide what I wear, I have had struggles between weight and women, and I’m not fully comfortable with where I am as a whole...YET. Ending that last sentence with the word  “yet” might be the most powerful thing in this whole blog entry. Because this story about my body has not ended. So, what do I do to change this. Blame my parents, genetics, society, or even myself. NO. The answer is the same as it’s always been. Keep digging through all pain until all this garbage is taken out. For the only person that can change any of this is me. I have made my body this way and I will be the one to get it back to where I want it to be. People can help guide you, but it’s me that always has to do the work. I have to get myself to the gym, I have to face myself in the mirror, I have to say no to the food that does not help me, and I’m the one that has to try harder. I will leave you also with some powerful words that my therapist told me and it really made sense to me. She said, “You have every right to be here, wear what you want to wear,  and just take up space in this world. You have worked hard and you keep working hard which gives you every right to be you right now”. It’s so true I need to stop hiding and own the person I am and have built. I really do like myself and it’s time to start showing my body that by creating a new relationship with this body. To  change the story that this body has been telling for most of my life and rewrite all the thoughts that have held me back from the person I want to be. Because no matter what anyone else ever says about my body it will never be true until I know it is. So, keep pushing Derrick. You are NOT done Derrick. This is not the complete Derrick. You can do better Derrick. Lastly, here is a word to my future self. I will see you soon and I can’t wait to see you.  

The newer me at my 30th birthday party.

Me showing how much I have lost since I
wore that shirt to my dad's funeral
in 2004. 

Very few whole body shots are taken of
me so I thought I would share one more.

 As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-lite. You may ask yourself why did I get so personal? Well, you know what? I am not the only one out there in this world that has feelings like I do about body image and if I just reach one person to let them know that they are worth it.Then its been worth every moment of pain or tear shed while working on this and myself. Because in the end we are all worth it. To move forward we must move through the past and let go. Take care. LOVE. = )

Me giving that mirror at work
my angry face.

Me trying to be ok with
me in that mirror.
=)

Feels good to be back.

Well, hello there....its been awhile hasn’t it. If you haven’t been following me on Facebook then you wouldn’t know that I have recently started going back to school. It took me a long time to make that decision, but after one term I feel like it was a good decision for myself. I'm still not quite sure what I am going to school for exactly, but I think working that out while going to school will help me. It’s been very nice to get that feeling of encouragement and that feeling of being smart again. It’s building confidence to push me to higher things. Things like trigonometry and calculus use to be things I thought of as only what the “smart people” do. I have broken through that feeling after talking to my math teacher last term and a coworker who is a math major. I don’t know if I will be the best at them, but I know that I'm no longer scared to take them on. That kind of thinking has been a very good improvement for myself and I am proud of myself for taking that step. 

So the two classes I took this last spring term was a math class and writing class. Math is still at a review level for me so I don’t want to talk about that much. What I do want to talk about is my writing class. Because I have found through this blog that writing is a good outlet and a powerful tool for me. I am a man of many ideas and thoughts and its very nice to have an audience that enjoys and respects that. So, I know there isn’t millions of people reading this blog, but I want to take the time to thank those that do. 

So thank you for listening and being a part of my life. = )

So, I haven’t posted an entry since March and that was very shortly before I started school. I didn’t however stop writing, my writing just became writing of a different sort. I’m out of school for the summer and want to take this time to catch you up and share the many things that are on my and have been on my mind over the last few months. I plan to share as many blog entries that I can over the summer before I start school again in the fall. So to kick things off I thought I might share one of the three papers I wrote for my writing class. It is the one I'm the most proud of. I got a B on it and I was a little discouraged by that at first. As I explained to many people who helped keep me stay positive about my writing that in the past I have gotten B’s I want to get A’s. I’m not just in school to “pass” I want to excel. I kept at it and didn’t get the A+ I wanted till the last paper and thankfully that one was worth the most points towards my grade. I did however learn a lot trying to push myself to get that A. It’s always a lesson and I am in school to learn.  I will say goodbye for now and pass you off to my paper about the feeling of place. What is place to you?

As always I bring this to you with love and pure D-Lite. = ) 

Home Within a Home

I have lived here in this apartment for over 3 years now. Everything inside this place is connected to me. From the moment I wake up in the morning to get ready for the day, to when I walk through the door after a long day of work. I have worked hard to make this place I call home. It is not the structure itself or the location itself that makes this place I live on earth my special place. It really is so much more.

Every year I take a step back and reassess my apartment and take time to get rid of anything that is cluttering up my space to keep things open. This was an important thing to keep in mind when implementing some feng shui techniques in my apartment. It’s as simple as walking through your front door and as you do, think about these thoughts, “Do I feel welcome? What are the first things I see? How do I feel when entering this place?” When I walk through the door of my apartment, I feel blessed to have a physical place to rest my head and that this is where I belong. The first thing that I see when I step into my home is my kitchen where I spend much of time cooking meals for myself, my family, and my friends. It is a place I feel very at home in because of the time spent there. The feelings I get when I enter my home are relief, freedom, and happiness. Not only do I feel free to be free and open in my apartment, I try very hard to allow those that come into my space to have the same freedom. To have a place that is free to say how you feel, be who you really are, and to be open to anything. The author Terry Tempest Williams in her essay “One Tree” talks about being humbled by the presence of this beautiful cottonwood tree near where she lives when she says, “In the presence of this tree, I am reduced to exactly what I am, simply another life form” (Williams). Walking into my place is very humbling to me. There is no distractions from the outside world. In my apartment I am surrounded by the things I love and things that make me who I am. No matter what life is outside my home, here in my home I am extremely humbled. Not only does my space provide a base of who I am, but my home also has always been a tool to help expand on the person I am. 

There are many physical things in my apartment that have become a part of what is home to me. Many of the things in my apartment are reminders or reflections to myself of who I am. Reminding myself of the things that make up who I am is very important to me, as it makes me feel at home within myself. Music is an important part of my life and has always been part of my home. Besides my CD collection taking up a big portion of the living room, there usually is music playing in the background. That has been carried over from when I was at my father’s house growing up. There is something so relaxing and refreshing to me about music playing. Even the simple things like sitting on my couch and looking out the window brings such peace to me. The plants on my patio are always inviting and welcoming to me and help keep me connected to nature even though I live within the city limits. Then there is my extremely comfortable bed that I love so dearly as well. Because what is having a place to rest your head if you don’t have an excellent place to actually do that? These things help me keep track of who I am no matter where I go and that is why I feel they are important part of my home and that I feel I can pack my home up and move anywhere. 

There are many great things about the environment surrounding the location I live in currently. But if I was given the opportunity to live in a different location, whether similar or very different from where I live right now, I assure you my home would still be very much the same. You think that by living in Oregon my whole life I would completely feel at home here. It’s true there are many great things about Oregon I love, from the vibrant green that fills the state of Oregon during the days of spring to the leaves changing to brilliant colors of yellow, orange, and red in the fall. I also like the fact that I can experience so many different geographical locations without leaving the state. Being able to drive about an hour or two in any direction can give you a nice change of scenery. I have lived in many places within this state since I left my mother’s nest and each one of those places I lived in had things that I find important to a place I call home far past where is was located. Okay, so what if you had to live in Antarctica or in the middle of the desert instead of the lush green vegetation that makes up Oregon. Would that change what is your home? No. For me home is a lot more than the beauty that is around where my home may rest. I have traveled many places and each time I come back to where I live, its not just the beauty and wonder that the state of Oregon has that makes me feel home again. It’s walking through the door at my apartment that gives me this feeling of place. Other things that I like about living where I do is having a family that lives close by so that they can be a part of my daily life, having my own space to create or play, and also a place to just be. Speaking of a place to just be sometimes I will turn everything off in my apartment and open all the windows so that I can hear the freeway near by. That sound of the freeway over the years I have spent here has become as soothing to me as a river flowing down a mountainside, constant and never ending. In the essay “Homeplace” by Scott Russell Sanders he takes a moment to talk about the spiritual side of connecting to a place through words he found from a Zen master named Thich Nhat Hanh. Sanders translates in his own words what that lesson from the Zen master said by saying, “If you stay put, your place may become a holy center, not because it gives you special access to the divine, but because in your stillness you hear what might be heard anywhere” (Sanders 103). This idea of carrying a feeling of place within yourself no matter where you go I think is very powerful. I also feel that if you learn the ability to create that space for yourself in one place you can create it anywhere, it doesn’t matter the location. See having a place in this world to me is more about what travels with you than where exactly those things you bring with you rest or are placed in this world. 

So it may seem that it is my apartment that I call my home from the reasons that I have mentioned, but that would be a little misleading. The fact that I feel at home in my apartment is true, only it’s not the actual apartment I live in itself that that gives me that feeling of being at home. It’s not the airplane landing on the ground of the state I lived my whole life that gives me that feeling of home. It’s not the physical things that I have within my apartment. It’s what those things mean to me that I carry with me from place to place. I have lived in several places in my life and each one felt like home when I lived there. In fact, many people who have visited the places I lived in have told me that my place feels homey. This holds true for the good places I lived in to the not so good places I lived in over the years, each place I have made my home. The items I have or specific things I do to make my home in any place I live have moved with me and have been learned over the course of my time here on this planet and is always evolving with me as I go. I do believe it is important for people to look outward in life at the world around them that makes up or interacts with what they believe to be their home or place in this world. I find it more important to go inward as well to create a home within yourself that can travel wherever you are, because I believe until you find a place within yourself, no matter where you go, it will never feel like home.

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Works Cited 

Sanders, Scott Russell. “Homeplace.” Seeing & Writing. Ed. Donald McQuade and Christine McQuade. New York: Bedford, 2000. 101-104. Print.

Williams, Terry Tempest. “One Tree.” Wood Notes Quarterly Summer. 2001. Print.