So I want you to take a long look at the picture above my writing. I want you to really look at it and see what emotions come up for you. It’s ok I will wait.... =)
Why am I showing you this you might ask? Well, I was joking around with someone and was talking about what I was going to be in the future if I don’t get my shit together with my life and health. I literally typed into google under images “Fat old gamer” and this pic is what popped up. Now, I did use the pic to prove my point, but as I looked at it I realized that there was something more to this picture. I am very connected to this picture. See most of you know me as the happy, fun, “skinner” version of myself. I wasn’t always like that and as I look at this picture I am reminded of all the pain that I carried around with me everywhere I went. See the person I sent this picture to is on the opposite end of the spectrum skinny and afraid to eat or let go and eat. When they looked at the picture they commented...”I don’t know he looks happy”. I suppose to a person that struggles with trying to be skinny to be able to just let it go sounds nice. Because either way it’s very stressful to maintain with your health whether skinny and trying to stay that way or being over weight and trying to lose weight. We all struggle with it in some way. It’s really one universal thing we all share.
So back to the picture...I feel so much pain when I look at him or what use to be me. I also feel that way when I see people like this. The people in the supermarket that are on motorized carts that at some point got to the point of giving up. I know there are other factors to why they might be there as well, but a good portion of them did it to themselves. See, I swore a long time ago that I don’t care if takes me my whole life I will not give up on myself. So far I have kept that promise. I try everyday to make the best me that I can. I am far from perfect and I am not really trying to be perfect or normal. There is no normal people... only the best you that you can be. Funny that the picture is trying to make a fat man sexy. The truth of the matter women didn’t look at me that way when I was that big. Unless they were having the same problem themselves, but really I didn’t get much attention back then. As I drop weight though its been weird dealing with the extra attention. It’s nice I’m not going to lie, but I also get frustrated. I feel like saying “hey, that’s nice that you like me now, but what about the other 20 some years I have been available?” I remember girls hitting on me when I was skinnier as a kid...quite a bit actually. I get it now though because they say you attracted a mirror of yourself. So until I started taking care of myself then how would I attract someone that would be doing the same? I remember crying to my mom not knowing why the girls didn’t like me. I get it now. You can’t expect someone to love you if you aren’t loving yourself to start with. I really hope the guy in that picture actually wakes up one day to what he could be instead of what he just accepts himself to be.
Now I don’t want to sound like it’s just as easy as saying “I’m going to change myself into the person I want to be” and .... *POOF* There you are. It is a lot of work. I really do struggle everyday. The person I am dating has gotten a good idea of what it’s like for me day to day. It’s a lot of dedication, but it’s the highest work that we can do on this planet. How can we change the world without starting with ourselves first right? For those that see me day to day may not see it, but there is a lot of internal conflict that I go through everyday. I will tell you though the hard work is worth every tear, sweat, and struggle you may go through. See for me it didn’t all click till I got all three parts of my being in line. Because Doing just one never worked. I use to workout a lot with my close buddy Brait many years ago and I made some progress, but it never stuck. I see lots of regular people at the gym that don’t make any progress and I feel bad for them because they haven’t dug deeper to find what is holding them back. It’s like wanting to go back and tell myself what I know now. It wasn’t till I started looking at what I eat...like really look and why I was eating. Then when I started working on eating and then started working out again the wheels actually started moving. The last part was getting therapy. See putting on the weight and talking it off are a lot more emotional than just adding some extra weight. And as I have dropped weight there has been many of things I have had to deal with. It’s all part of the healing process.
So now I will show you a happier picture to look at. Well, at least for me it is.
I was going through and getting rid of the old clothes I use to wear and making room for the ones I’m going to wear. It was a very hard, but a cleansing day for me. Putting on this shirt in the picture really put it all in prospective for me. It’s one of those landmark moments where you really see the hard work and why you do the work day in and day out. It’s these moments that motivate me to keep going to my next goal. Because for those that have seen me get this far...I am going further. It’s been harder than the 150 plus pounds I lost, but I know I can do it. Everyday I tell myself at some point “I am not done...I am not satisfied”. The picture above is a picture of me wearing a shirt that I wore to my dad’s funeral 8 years ago to the very minutes I write this entry. A shirt that was very tight on me and I had hard time keeping it tucked in I remember now it was like wearing a tent. It was because of my fathers death I woke up and decided to live life. I wish more than anything I could show him how far I have come. He too struggled with his weight. He would be so proud...he is so proud. I am proud of myself and that is something no one can take away. He gave me the greatest gift I could have ever asked for him to give me...life.
So, where am I going with all this? Well, every year on the anniversary of my fathers passing I really try to put life in prospective for myself. I thought I would share a bit more of my story on being fat in hopes it might help one person keep trying. I know anyone that reads this can relate. Even those that think they can eat anything and not feel the effects. Everything is a direct effect of the choices you make everyday. I encourage everyone to keep trying. There is never a better time than the present.
As always I bring this to you with lots of love and pure D-Lite. =)
