"You're such a great guy...."

First off I want to state that I appreciate all those who give me wonderful compliments and make me feel like the great guy that I am. No REALLY thank you! =) I also want to state that I am in no way perfect by any means, but I do think that I have turned out to be a pretty darn good catch. 

Ok, now that I have that out of the way. There is a topic of conversation that I want to have out loud (meaning outside of my head...lol) with all those who still read this blog.  Which I am pretty sure that I proof read my blog WAY more than it actually gets read by others...lol. =p (which doesn't mean much since I miss typos and grammar issues all the time still lol)This topic has been in my head since I was old enough to know that cooties don’t exist, but more importantly this last decade. So my issue is that situation I always get into involving the opposite sex and my pursuit of finding someone to share my life with. 

If I had a dime for every time I have heard that classic, even epic, and just down right frustrating line “You’re such a great guy....” Well let me tell you...I wouldn’t be here I would be laying next to the pacific ocean 3,000 miles from here in Maui at one of my many homes. Retired at  the age of 17, but alas in my stupidity I have not been charging  to hear that dreaded line all this time. Like I said at the beginning of this entry I know everyone means well. You however don’t know how much that one line haunts me. 

It’s like someone telling you that you one the lottery, but you never receive the money. Over and over they call and say YOU WON! Oh man what are you going to do with all that money? What’s the first thing that you're going to by? Are you going to continue to work at New Seasons? (lol.... yeah I am sure you could figure out that answer) After I start giving my answers to the woman on the phone... it disconnects. I just hear dial tone...fuck. Words only go so far. 

I would also like to say my drive to lose weight is not because I am trying to get laid so to speak. It most definitely is because I am very concerned of my health and want to put myself in better position to live a long healthy life. Granted it does make me look a bit more attractive and desirable... that I won’t even try to lie about. ;-) I have heard a lot of talk by some of those women in my life that are surprised to find out that I am single... yeah well ladies I am too. Was even told that I am the cats meow just recently. That’s just all fine and dandy isn’t it kids, but it’s definitely a big check that can’t be cashed. Some would say “Woman are trouble anyways” Well that might be a little true, but it hasn’t stopped me yet.  

So what seems to be the problem? You might ask. Well I will take responsibility for a few things. I am very picky on what I am looking for. Before you make it up in your mind that I am talking about “She has to be 5’6”,  green eyes, size -11, with huge tits.(although that doesn’t sound too bad...lol Well except for the size “-11” part anyway...lol) It actually has to do way more with the actually person themselves not their physical self. There is quite a few things I need specifically from someone that is with me. Those of you that know me know I have to be with someone that eats similar or understand and helps me with my fucked up diet restrictions. Someone that will help and support me on my path and not pull me away from my goals. But yes, I must be attracted to someone, but am way more attracted to someone who has more depth to them. She could be hot as hell, but if all she talks about is old episodes of the OC all the time who cares. Ok I am getting side tracked. Basically I am trying to say I am not shallow and the person I am with won't be either. The other reason is I don’t really make myself available to meet new opportunities. That has to do with the old man I am now and current schedule dealing with my path to a better me. Bars have never been my thing... I don’t have a lot of time for outside activities that may lead to having some sort of connection with a ladie. So you’re probably thinking well how are you going to have time to be with someone? Well I definitely have time here and there and my days off that I allow myself to do what I want. So definitely someone that has their own life going on, but can squeeze in time with someone else here and there. I have posted a lot of and talked about Mr. John Mayer of late. It’s kinda been my thing lately and seems to speak the most to me. I have always been very transparent how I am feeling by the music I listen to. So if you ever see me post stuff here or on Facebook. 95% of the time it is very much in tune with how I am feeling. So listen closely if you really want to know what is going on with me. Be afraid! Be very afraid!!! lol 

I was just having a talk with a good friend and my sister not too long ago about the fact I have never been approached by a girl just randomly or by someone outside my circle. I have usually initiated the connection. I am aware of women that have liked me as well and I don’t want to say that I haven’t gotten looks in my direction. What’s a few nibbles on the line if you aren’t catching any fish. (That last line is funny because I hate fish lol.) It’s the 2000’s now ladies. Step up to the plate too! Some of you that know me might know of a certain situation between an old flame of mine and me. For a moment I thought it might be that girl to actually step up and approach me, but I fear that too is not what it seems. The window is not quite closed, but I definitely am not sitting by the window anymore. 

Oh I know what your going to say.... the same thing that has been said over the course of history. “Oh well you haven’t found the right girl yet” or “Oh it will happen when you least expect it too.”  Don’t worry I have heard them all... more than once.

So hear is my question to you. They say it will happen when you least expect it too, but how long do you wait for that unexpected moment to happen? When do you make a move and push back at the universe? 

Ok well I will leave you with my current feeling with where I am right now. Who better to explain my situation than none other than... YOU GUESS IT! Mr. John Mayer! Enjoy! 

With love D-lite. =)      

Thoughts from beside the campfire....

I have made a fire just outside of my cave tonight because the stars and the moon are just too beautiful to miss. I have had so much time to think while living in my cave... so many thoughts I really need to get them out and off my head... don’t really care what happens to them after that...lol. So here we go...

Why have I turned inward and disappeared into this dark cave that I have been in for quite sometime now? Well it’s complicated. Just like when people ask me “how I’m doing these days?” This is my chance to try to fix that or at least give you an idea of how I feel. I talked a bit of some of my struggles on my last blog... but this time I will go a bit further...

Like a lot of people I know and work with. We all are getting older and older and having the same thought of what the fuck am I doing with my life? How did I end up here?  How do I get out of here? What do I really want to do with my life? As I am listening to the song by Coldplay “Glass of water” and the lyric that stands out to me is “They say you can see you future inside a glass of water”. I wish it was that easy...I really do. There're people out there that just know what they want to do and they are good at it and they just make it happen. I am not one of those people... 

One of the things I like to do is ask people “What did you want to be when you were a little kid?”. It’s very interesting what answers you get. I often think of what happened that got us off the path of getting to those things we once dreamt of being? For me I wanted to be a pilot for the longest time. I must have watched Top Gun a billion times and any other movie that had to do with fighter pilots. My grandma even use to “tape” (yes we are talking VCR days..lol) the show on the discovery channel called “Wings”...I believe it was called. I was so set on being a pilot...well other than I was a bit over the weight limit. It wasn’t till the day I climbed the Astoria Column in Astoria on the tip of northwest Oregon along the coast. http://www.astoriaoregon.com/astoria_column.shtml When I got to the top of the astro collum I realized that I was afraid of heights. Kinda hard to be a pilot when you don’t want to be up in the air. lol I still am fascinated about all of that kind of stuff. I still have been know to watch some old VHS tapes I still have that my grandma gave me. My brother and I watched them a few years ago. I also caught part of Top Gun while at the gym working out a few months ago. I use to know that movie line for line. 

Anyways... I am getting distracted and off target. I feel like a failure. I feel like I am not going where I want to go or that I really am going to get stuck where I am. I have stopped a lot of what I thought I wanted to do and got so excited about since the beginning of the year. Because what is so special about me? Who is really going to pay attention to my life? Past my wonderful friends that are reading this right now. I really do appreciate each one of you, but I want to do some of this stuff as a job. So there is that... which is a big part of what has been getting me down. All I seem to be doing right is working on my health. Which I am making progress thank god for that. Don’t get me wrong I am not trying to sound ungrateful that is still a huge priority of mine and will be the rest of my life, but what else is there? I am almost 30... not getting any younger... even started getting gray hairs... quite a bit too...=(. I mean I live by myself paying a rent that is almost $700. I have to work full time to keep up with everything. I thought about every possible way of trying to find money for school. So I can actually learn to write and spell. So Amy will stop making fun of me. =P

On the other hand I feel so selfish. I think about other people in this world that don’t even have half the things I do. From my job to what I own. I mean think about those people in china that work in the factories that make iphones or the mac that I am using right now. They make $160... A MONTH. Oh and that is an increase because one of them just DIED?!?!? Can you imagine living off of $160? I mean granted cost of living is probably quite a bit lower in china... but still and that isn’t for someone that works just 20 or 30 hours a week or even 40 hours a week. These people that are working shifts in 30+ hours straight at a time. There are plenty of people in other countries were it’s normal for them to just grow up and work. They don’t get the liberty of thinking about college or even hobbies. 

So here I am bitching about not being in college learning to be something special or that I don’t have enough time to play video games. That makes me feel like a piece of shit a big pile of steaming dog shit! (oh there it is that old damn sailor me...lol). So either way I have been feeling down lately. Some of it is I have been feeling very lonely... long before I put myself in this cave mind you. My love life or the lack there of... My money woes... which I am slowly making my way through. I could keep going all day, but I have wasted enough of your time. 

So what else am I suppose to do? What other choice do I have? I do like I always do...put my head down and keep pushing forward. This has a lot to do with my astrological sign which is Aries which is symbolized by the Ram. Instead of a ram though I think of me more like a rhino because of one of my other nicknames that I got from a night of drinking with my sis (a night she wouldn’t let me forget...lol). So after falling on the ground because I was pretty fucking drunk. I decided I was going to knock over the box fan she had on the floor with my head. After I successfully did that I kept saying over and over “I’m the rhino... I’m the rhino”. That is what cheap whiskey will do to you. “quantity over quality” lol. I am the fucking rhino and you better watch out a stampede is coming to a town near you. 

Music like usual is a big part of helping me through this and lets just say I have been in John mayer land. He seems to be speaking the same language. So I do have a lot of what I need to help me hopefully get to where I want to be. It’s just trying to make my way back to where I want to go and focusing my energy. 

But there is definitely something missing... might actually be more than one... well at least from the list that Mr. John Mayer gives in this song that I have been listening to a lot.    

As always with love and pure d-lite. =)

Everyday is a struggle...

I constantly have to tell myself I am on the right path and I am making progress in the right direction. There are however, many times I struggle. Most of you may not even notice or think that I do. I am very good at hiding certain things. The exception being those that are very close to me. Lucky for me my doctor has become one of those people. It's actually very good that she is... because lately I have been very fucking frustrated/irritated. So much so my last monthly meet with my doctor was a big bitching session on all the god damn shit I have been going through. She knew from the moment I walk through the door and she asked how I was doing. To which I replied "it's going.." I let it all out and she listened patiently and answered my ass ton of questions. Helped reenforced my path and all the work I am doing. Gave me some more help and continued pushing me in the right direction. I left still frustrated, but with quite a bit more hope and some validation. Most people that see my progress on the outside don't have a clue to the struggle within. It's not easy to go down this road. A road that has a lot of reward, but takes a lot of work to get the rewards. This is my body we are talking about though so it's the highest work you can do. BUT GOD DAMN IT... it's hard. Reading labels on everything which is hard because I have said before that I can’t read... speaking of which watching me type a blog out is actually probably quite funny looking *imagine me just looking around while both of my hands are violently stroking the keyboard stopping only to hit post on blogger* which = my blog entries or a big pile a dog shit whatever you feel like calling it..lol.

My frustration with my current path is... It's getting harder and harder. I am spending more and more time at the gym, more time prepping food, and actually getting the right amount of sleep. It's frustrating because I have very little time for myself or to share myself with others. I know when I get where I want to go with this path I'm on it will be easier to maintain when I get there. Somedays it's hard to remember that. When I am sweating like a fucking pig at the gym or when I fall asleep at my computer waking up at early hours of the am in my computer chair (which isn't even close to the comfort of my wonderful fucking kingsize bed!) pissed of at myself because I keep trying to push the limit with myself. I know what your thinking... Kingsize bed for a single guy... Oh fuck yeah! Why the fuck not! Jesus Derrick what's with the potty mouth... You know what  

sometimes it's just the right thing to say. It's like that song..."Just call me sailor... In the morning... My potty mouth is all I need..." I think that's how it goes... Or at least it should. Oh I am too much! 

Anyways... I appreciate all of you that support me and even  all those that don't understand exactly what it is I am doing, but love me for loving myself. Please don't take it the wrong way when I turn down wonderful gifts you try to give me that are of the eating type. I also appreciate those that go out of there way to make it work like my sister, Amy the pastry master, Michelle my bell, and even Laura for giving me and excellent gluten free and dairy free dinning experience. There are many more I sure I haven't named, BUT THANK YOU! Remember don't take be sorry if you make a mistake and I catch it. It's not your job to make sure I follow this path it's my job. I got to push on... Everyday fucking day...

With love from your potty mouth and d-liteful sailor... =)

Time for fucking bed... Only have to be up in 6 hrs... Oops... Lol